To Fight for a Better Me: Part Two

My last entry is so interesting to me because of has happened now. I have been learning a lot in the last two weeks. I have seen my childish ways so present in my life. I have seen how I need to fight for a better me because then I am capable in fighting for others. It is time that I become an adult. I have in many ways but I am starting to realize I have a lot of work to do in my life.

I have been through a lot and things are still getting figured out. Though I have realized in my strength derived from my struggles, it has prohibited me to relate to another human being. It has kept me from getting involved in my friend's lives. I have talked about myself for far too long and now it is time to talk about others. It is time for me to extinguish my beliefs that have been rooted in fear and laziness. I am not a child anymore...I am not in the "real" world where things get more complex and if we don't have the skills to survive in it, there is no hope.

I have been selfish. I have been so selfish.

I have this problem. I have a problem with getting involved in my friend's lives. I assume that if I am capable of being an open book to them that they should be also with me. That is a complete fabricated lie. I have definitely created that so I didn't have to get so involved. I fear of losing people. I have this fear because I lost someone very special to me. So I fear getting attached. I fear that if I do get attached in this way...that I will fail them. I will them like I failed my brother when he got consumed by drugs. I know this is a lie but sometimes the lies we tell ourselves...disguise themselves as the truth until we are told otherwise. I fear failing people. That I won't be what they want me to be or who that want me to be.

So I have this dilemma. To solve this problem, that I find so horrifying and troubling, will not be easy. Because to be honest I don't know how to. I don't know how to make this an easy transition or if it could be an easy transition. I ask of you...reader...to help me. Surely there are people that are better than me at this.

The reason why I want to be aggressive...is because I am 21 and after college it is like these qualities you obtain and how your character my alter through the years...I am making habits and these habits will stay with me. Before they get too deep in my skin and my mind I want to change it. I want to change it as much as possible. I will not be a prisoner in my own habits and rituals.

This is my next chapter. Turning the pages to find something new and more delightful. To not only bear the fruit from my own personal day but to bear the fruit of others' days. To be a listening ear. To be intention with the approaches to conversation. To be keen. Alert. Alive for others. To limit my talk of personal struggles. To fight for a better me.

I learn to fight for a better me

There will always be a battle. A battle in our hearts or against the rest of the world. We don't realize we are fighting until it just gets too much. And we need to make a decision if we are going to keep on fighting. Its that point where our character shows and where we build more on our character.

Fighting was taught to me at an early stage in my life. I was weak and shy. Although the world changed me because it asked many things of me. It asked me to fight and if I don't fight I won't last in this world. I didn't know how this decision to fight would influence me in the way I perceived life and dealt with it.

We fight in what we believe to be true and when our beliefs are tested. We fight when our loves are being attacked or when ourselves are being attacked. We fight.

I'm a stubborn fighter. It is part of my temperament. I'm finding it easier to realize that I could be wrong or even better yet...I am wrong. Though, I am also finding it easier to fight for others. I will fight for them when they are being attacked. I'm trying to do that. I want to do that.

This semester has been interesting. Things have come up that were and still are interesting. I suppose its like that most of the time though. I want to know that these things that have tested me will continue to make me grow in ways that I should. These are things that prove to be important to me. Life will go faster and become more complex as well become older. It is our choice to move along with it and to allow it to mold us.

We will meet people in our lives that will test us. People we dislike or dislike us...people we love or try to love. People that are important and will be important...people we just meet. I do not want to let any one slow me down. Instead I want them to either push me ahead or grow with me as I grow.

In the beginning of the semester my heart was harden. I'm not so sure about what. It grew hard and misshapen. Slowly it has been awaken...I can feel myself awakening but then I hit a wall.

I get to consumed and involved into things that I prioritize...haha and school is definitely not one of them. I get too consumed and too involved. So now I am learning even more about myself with the help of individuals.

I fight for the new me. The adult me. I fight for things that should be right about me. I learn to drop my fights with things that are wrong with me. I learn to fight for a better me.

Or maybe just some of those childish things

I am not quite sure how I got to this point in my life. Where I have become so dependent on myself and dependent on very few people. At times I think that my heart has grown into a stone or some kind of crystal. The exterior is hard but the inside of it is where everything special is. I suppose I started to not wear my heart on sleeve and only really be me around a selective crowd. At times it isn't that noticeable and in fact I don't really care. In the end I got tired of getting hurt and letting myself get hurt. So natural I changed it over time. The pressure of life and what positions I felt like I was in turned me into coal. I got sort of harsh and annoyed. Into some kind of critic. I'm looking at life through my experiences and things that have polished away the things that I just can't carry on with. I suppose I matured and left childish things behind in some way. Although those things, those childish things, might have been better to keep. Or maybe just some of those childish things. I cannot erase what people have done to me or what people have done for me. I also can't erase what life events have done to me or do to me.

I look at the people in my life and I count the people who really know me and respect me and the number begins to decrease from the actual number of people I am friends with. I cannot quite explain why this is so. Some people have taken the time to get to know me and others asked me to take the time to get to know them.

When I search through the sea of people I know I begin to wonder what goes on through their head. I want to know what they have been through that makes them tick. I wonder why I am not like them or they aren't like me. I wonder why I cry at these times and they don't and vice versa.

There are some that say people don't change. I don't think that is true. I think people can change. They have their fondation, their personality temperaments. Their cognition can change to a certain extent and therefore their behaviors change. Life is stagnate and it cannot stop on a dime. Events and situations keep happening that effect people like a ripple effect.

Ever since Spain I have had a hard time being involved with the church. I never felt like I really belonged. My ideas kept being different. Community was different in my eyes. I felt mature by life than most adults there. As the years went on from my freshman year in college to now...I view church different. When I walk in I do not feel welcomed. It feels as though people come to hear a lecture and sing songs. mingle and then leave. the pressure to have community is so great that it feels incredibly fake. I have yet to shake a hand and see Gods face in their eyes. Although I actually did once. In California I shaked the hand of an old woman who greeted me into church. Her wrinkles told me stories of life and frustration. Her eyes told me of love and embrace. I'm not sure why I have lost my hope in church. But what I do know now is that the meanest people I have met have been affiliated with the church. They talked with smooth and suave words but it felt like a bite from a snake.

I have felt more welcomed in a bar then at church. Maybe because people are drinking which is very true. But I have had great conversations in them also. I have met people who have been through hell and actually talk about it. I have met more kind eyes then I have in church. Its weird because when I usually meet kind eyes in a church, the person is older...much older then me.

I have changed in numerous ways. Learned lessons that reach the sun. I've cried for days on end. I have done horrible things. I have tried to be kind and then tried some more. I have told somebody I loved them. I have been hurt many times. I have held the hand of the dying. I have felt love.. genuine love from just an embrace. Though I have not lived. I have not. I have more mountains to climb and sorrows to bare. I have oceans to swim and rivers to wade in. I have couches and blankets and friends to snuggle with still.

I still feel like a bird in it's cage and the door is open but I still cannot fly out of it.

I have this photo on my desk. It is of my mom and I. I'm probably 4. We are both wearing white shirts and bathing suits. Taking a walk on the beach and look for seashells. My hair is up in a pony tail and a ribbon tied in. I wish I could go back to this time. Where I was innocent and didn't think too much. Life was simple and understood.

Traumas are very interesting. A person goes through something that can't be describe in any way. And to work their way to some kind of new normal, takes a very long time. I'm sick of missing my mom. I kind of just want to be over it. But then i think about the series of events I went through, especially towards the end of my mom's life. I don't understand how I got this far in college and still sane. How did I get here and survive.

I saw life being sucked out of a living body. I saw what was like to see life and then death in a human being. I felt the attempts of my mind to explain what I was seeing and feeling.

During this time I feel vulnerable. I usually get depressed or something. But I don't feel depressed. I feel vulnerable. Like a small animal. The only thing they can rely on is their mother. Not even themselves. I feel like that. I wish didn't. I hate appearing weak and small.

It is amazing to me how I can see people's true colors through tragedy...how well people deal with it. How they try or try not to relate with you. Sometimes it is perplexing.

I do not like Halloween in college. People become selfish with the holiday. You have to be doing something. You can't just be sitting around watching a scary movie. You have to go out and do something. There is always a party. A party full of people. Mainly drunk people.

As the days get closer to Halloween...I am drifting a little bit away from people. In therapy they advise you to plan something on the day that you lost a loved one or something tragic happened on that day. If it is planned out in a flexible type plan, it limits freaking out or feeling lonely.

I planned a dinner. A dinner to celebrate how far I come. That I am sane. That grief has no hold on me in everyday life now. I'm starting to lose interesting in this dinner. I am angry. I'm sick of hearing people that they are going to be there...that if I don't want to go out the weekend of halloween...they will stay behind with me. For some I don't think its true and for others I do. I wish I could better explain myself but I cannot. If I could explain myself with no problem...I wouldn't be writing this.

5 years since I saw my mom. Since then I still feel like a bird in it's cage and the door is open but I still cannot fly out of it. Will I ever be able to? Or I'm going to keep looking out waiting for something or somebody to change me? I don't know. But I do know the only time I really think about this is around Halloween.

fall

Fall

but there is another one right after that can be better

Today is the last day of September...and its only 1am.
I'm writing for myself, well for my heart. This past week was very overwhelming and I really just wanted someone to hold my hand and tell me it isn't too bad. You made it to the finish line and with success...
I got overwhelmed and I noticed myself lingering for comfort and for touch. I wanted that time where I can simply just relax with someone to the point that we are asleep. Doing nothing for nothing. Then today I realized that October is breast cancer awareness month. And my heart sank a little. I became so needy this past week and I understood why but not fully, not until I realized what October was.

I love to watch Parenthood. This roughly new show that just tugs at my heart and then makes me laugh.   Sort of like family. Well one of the characters gets breast cancer. I'm not sure if I can watch it this month. Maybe next month.

There are times in the year that I want to just scream and be held...letting all troubles and worries go into a scream and then feeling a touch sooth my soul feels right. Other times I want to step back and look at my life and see all the wonderful people in it. The wonderful things that I was able to do and I'm doing. I want to touch all the abstract things and ideas that are forming. I wish life was more fluid and smooth...but it is not. And because it is not..we have to deal with that.

We have to deal with things like sexuality, impurity, loneliness, dishonesty, overload, being here when you want to be there, God, religion, words that sting, eyes that kill, and the list goes. We have to deal with those things. I'm thankful for some of things...because life would be something different than it is now and I do not think any of us can fathom that. Those things are there and we have to face them.

This past week I missed my mom. I really wanted to just complain and talk to her and hear me complain. I know she would let me do that. As the familiar tears gently come down...it makes me jealous of almost every girl that has a mom. I cannot imagine what my relationship would look like now with my mom because so much as changed in the past 5 years. But that is fine. I don't need to know. It would only make it harder. I know got irritated with my mom...though I do know I will never get that friendship from her. I wasn't mature enough for it. I was only 16. So I push away my wants because they are unrealistic and will only hurt me more.

I just know that I need to keep my head up when life is shit. I need to know that being vulnerable and able to connect is important. There are weeks and more weeks to come...to make it better than before. And love and comfort comes in all its various forms.

This month might be shit but there is another one right after that can be better.

I've been noticing my blogs are getting shorter or rather to the point. Not completely sure what that means. But I don't mind, I like it.

try. sunset. xx

I have been thinking about a subject lately that I don't think I can define quite well. It deals with two hearts and two minds. It deals with missing the chance to be something or to be somebody with somebody. It's that idea or concept that seems to be at your grasp though it slips right through your fingers. Sometimes its tragic and toxic. I've been getting good at that. Not because I entirely want it to be but because it falls into my hands like a challenge.

I'm obsessed with a band. A band that speaks more truth and reason then most bands today. They not only write their own lyrics but when they sing them...it is as if their soul was imprinted on every word they let loose from their lips. Drugs, dancing, lies, and etc don't seem to be interweaved with their lyrics either. Which isn't so appealing to our culture of music. Though the bass line mixed with the sublet guitar playing as a rhythm of life or once was life is inexhaustible.

The band The Xx...sweeps me off my feet. Recently, I got rejected after something that seemed to me real. It wasn't a fabrication of my mind because the evidence was there. I felt deceived and led on to something that I didn't know someone was capable of. I'll hide this post from him so that I can be honest.

I haven't had a lot of chances to be rejected. I have been the one who was rejecting. I have broken hearts. I have made someone cry. Because I thought I was invincible. I thought my heart was untouchable. I thought that I could get whatever I wanted. This pattern of actions and thoughts encouraged me to be vulnerable with others. It gave me this risk factor that dug deep in my way of approaching anything.

After what happened...my third rejection out of the multitude of me rejecting...a calus grew to protect me. It grew fast and started to seep into the insides of my heart. My housemates have been incredible. They placed this wall around me. A removable wall but a wall to enclose my vulnerability, to recover.

I was reading my psych homework and I came across a definition of courage from the psychologist Alder. It is taking a risk and not knowing the end product and also taking a risk even thought the product could be hurtful. I took a risk with every guy I had something with. I took a risk to be vulnerable in various ways. When I read that...I decided that I could remove some of that calus. I could be me again but made anew. I could look at the ones who feel rejection more often and have empathy. I could put myself in that spot because now I have been in that spot more than once. I am not invincible but I am courageous.

I can listen to the song Sunset by The Xx and relate in certain ways. I could listen to the song Try by The Xx and say that I have been there. All of our break ups, rejections, and heart aches are different. They will be eternally different. But similarities will only run deep.

I try everything imaginable and I still can't soar through school

I have been reluctant in being prepared for school. I have been preparing for life instead. I am dreading the time when a test is scheduled and I have to start studying. I have always been a terrible test taker. I tried my hardest I can still not reach my goals.

When people first meet me they say later on that I was intimating or even scary. They also say that I am so cool. Most every time I do not understand this statement or where this thought process began. I get confused and worried. I've been asking my friends why they say that. Why they thought that or still think that. They scary part I still can't seem to understand though. For the other two, they say I give off a sense of confidence. I have my life figured out, I don't care what people think of me or say about me, that if someone has a problem with me I will confront them, and etc. I agree mostly with that. I suppose I can understand that.

The thing is I feel like the dumb jock. I feel like that kid in high school that is so popular but once it comes to school they are at the bottom of their class. I have felt that feeling since I can remember. Since school became competitive or something that is to be successful at. When the recesses stop and knowledge begins to be more fun (at times).

I try everything imaginable and I still can't soar through school like most of my friends. I try to get those high Bs and those golden As...but I can't. I step into a classroom and I feel so self conscious. I feel like everybody in the room knows that I suck at school. I feel that feelings rushing back into me...The teacher hands back last week's test. Everyone is expressing how easy that test was. Even I say those words. As or Bs are exchanged. I finally get mine back. I wish for that B because I know that I will never get that A. I take a look and sure enough its C. More than often it is D. It looks like I don't even study. It looks as if I don't care about my grades. My hand quickly covers the letter. Hoping that no one saw it. Im embarrassed the rest of the class period...

So making it seem like I'm not prepared for my last year of college seemed like a good cover story. Something to lean back on and pretend it was true. Go so far in actually not being prepared.

A prof struck my attention today. He talked about how he loved September. It offered opportunities to start new habits. These habits are potential habits that we will bring through out the year. So maybe I need a new habits and more confidence in myself that I can do this. I have come to learn that tests are not my strong suit. I can talk and talk about what ever I learned and even teach others about it but actually writing it down is impossible for me. I shall change this or cope with it better. Learn and then move on.

more of those weekends

I had the privilege of having a great weekend. Sometimes they are hard to find. Those weekends when almost every moment is fantastic.

I looked into my friends' eyes this weekend. I saw something in them. Something so great. I wanted to take that look in their eyes and hold onto it forever. I watched the old Parent Trap the other night. There is this part when Susan, who is pretending to be Sharon, smells her grandpa for the first time. He asks her what she is up to and she says "Making a memory."

Making those good memories for when life kind of sucks or when you forget how good it was. So as I watched my friends play in the lake...king of the hill that is. And I watched them as the sun was slowing down...I didn't want anything else. My body hurt from swimming so long. My face was tight from the lake water and the sun mixture. My body cold from the breeze and my wet bathing suit still on me. I watched them play and laugh and joke and be them. I saw some of their flaws and I saw their qualities. I saw the love they had for each other. I saw the ones who didn't know each other that well make an effort. I saw life happen before my eyes.

They made me feel alright. Like how I knew I made the right decision in coming early to Michigan. I've been a bit overwhelm lately with school starting. I just want to hold on to what I have now. I don't want to let go. I don't want them to leave or go home. I want them to be by me. I mean I got to know them and now its over?? I started life with them and now it seems like it is coming to an end.

It makes me think of that saying...some people are in your life for a season and a reason but some are there for a lifetime. I don't want these friends to be here just for a season. I will be as selfish as possible because this is something I want. But this idea of them going their separate ways, makes me want to pull away. Or to distance myself and attach onto new people. Because then if I do...the pain will be less.

Tuesday is my first day of Senior year, aka my last year. I will start that week with habits that will continue for the rest of that year and maybe the rest of my life. My conversations need to be more intentional and even though I tend to cling to being an introvert...I might have jump out of the boat. Stop turning things down because of what is comfortable. Even after Spain I still have problems with that.

The home that I made here is going to be one that will never forget even if I do try. As I searched for love and comfort these past years here, I didn't know that I would actually find it. I found it different ways too and different people that I didn't expect to have it. I see my heart yearning for more but being reluctant as time goes on.

So this past weekend was something. Something I won't forget. This year I will try to grab a hold of more of those weekends.

...that day special and worth living for.

"If I believe in nothing, nothing is going to get me. Saw it all once and it felt like everything."

These lyrics from Deptford Goth really make my mind think and search inside me if I once felt this too. The fact of it is, I have felt this before. If I don't believe in people, the world, life, or God...nothing is going to get me. I have believed in people, the world, life, or God and it all got to me...I felt everything all at once.

If you believe in anything, you are bound to get hurt. Your heart is bound to feel something. And when it does...it either sucks or is amazing. I used to have a lot of expectations in people. I put a lot of work into friendships. Too much work I think. It was killing me. I was let down and crushed by people's natural imperfections.

The world that I saw through my child like eyes weren't adequate for college life.  They were brought to a place that I think most people have to enter before taking on the world. The world has so much beauty in it; the colors, the shapes, the movement, and the noises. Though the world has flaws or natural imperfections too.

I believed in life once before this past year. I'm not totally sure when it was but I did. Because the fact is I saw death at 16. In my home...
I think I believed in life when I didn't have a sense of analyzing yet. When my mind was still immature; not too deep and radical. When my mind only thought about a handful of things and when something entered my life that was strange or complicated...I reasoned with just not having to think about it because it didn't bother me at that age. When I started believing in life again...I was in Spain. I saw the beauty of simple living and the bonds of a nation. I met someone who made me feel so good. So naturally I believed in life again.

God. I don't know when I started believing in God and I really don't want to know. Because it doesn't make a difference to anything. I remember hating church because it was boring and strange. The rhythms of church seemed to only suit my parents or those kids that just seem to fear anything bad and needed something to cling on to. When my mom did die though...I knew I had to hold on to something and if I held onto people...they might die. Although my human tendencies needed the human touch so I also dove myself into friendships, way too much.

God is this concept, idea, faith, person, being, theological debate, misunderstanding, people...life...the world...

He haunts my thoughts and plays with my emotions. He understands. I don't see him has this old man sitting on a chair with a crown on his head. I see him so much more. I see him powerful like the mountains, fierce as the hiss of a tiger. I see his qualities in the things he has made.

Did I stop believing in God? No. I just stopped wanting to believe in Him for awhile. I stopped believing in the people that went to His churches. I couldn't take them anymore. I didn't want to. I was tired of the judging. The picking on at races, the ones who drink or smoke, the ones who use government health care, the ones who dress differently, the ones who are the "church going people". Just plan tired....

I didn't really want to talk about God.
I've been growing and I have just become a bit more silent in my thoughts. I bit more softer. A bit more conscious of what I want to say. I wanted to grow up more and be responsible with my decisions and with my decisions they take time. I needed time and I need time. I need to just see the world as it is and not what I have been told it is.

I do believe we all need to believe in something because then what are we living for? If we just believe in ourselves then we are just pursuing life for ourselves. I want to believe that I can believe in something beyond me. Because I have learned that doing it my way only gets me so far. And if this includes pain and some suffering I think I can deal with it. When I reflect from my day...I can find more than one thing that made that day special and worth living for.

JeriLynn De Young

I'm impatience about a lot of things. Though one of them is when I get a good idea for a blog. I cannot wait to get out. I was going to do this one on wednesday. Although I have the time now and I probably won't this coming week.

I would just like to take a moment and remember my mom. Her birthday is Wednesday. I believe she would be 54.

I remember when I was really depressed and I would wake up sad almost every day. Or how my freshman year I would take a shower...I really long shower. Because there I was alone and I could cry alone. That year I cannot express how much pain I was in. Everyday seemed like a battle with my mind. Every morning felt like a let down. Somewhere I grew out of it. I pulled through. And now I am experiencing life as it should be.

Today it is hard for me to know what it would be like if my mom was alive. There are so many things that would of not happened if she was around. For an example, I am so much closer to my dad. The things that I think he would ask my mom or things they might of talked about...is what I get to talk about with my dad. I see him differently now than I did when I was little. I see him stronger, alive, and changed.

I miss my mom more than words could say. I miss her more than her friends do and I know I can say that. I miss her in a different way than my brothers or my dad do. My mom spoiled me for being the youngest and the only girl. I knew that when I did wrong in her eyes...it destroyed her. And I only know that now. I cannot understand how she pulled through for so long. She lost her son in a hit and run when he was four. She was diagnosed with cancer in the early ages of 30. She battled it for 13 years and proceeded to be a wife and a mom to 4 kids. And at some point she knew she was going to die before anybody else did. So of course if I did something wrong that was pretty significant...it would feel like an unbearable weight to her...because she knew that she couldn't be there guiding me later on.

Almost every single night there was dessert after dinner besides ice cream or popcorn. My mom baked us something that would last for bit. I would come home from school sometimes and there would be clothes laid on bed or something pretty. She would be at all my home games and sometimes my away games for soccer and volleyball. I remember when she was dying and it was one my volleyball games. She came. She came in a wheelchair. She needed to be resting I am sure but she was there. And it meant the world to me. I was put in entire game.

When I would watched tv at night...I would sit right by her most of the time. And naturally she would grab my arm and pet it. Sometimes it was really annoying and other times it was what I needed.

My house in California has her name all over it. My dad has tried to get rid of some things and make it different but really its impossible. She could of gone into business for decorating because she was that good. So when I come home here...its a lot harder for me. Most people don't get it. There are still a lot of after math from my mom's death. And there always will be. Because death is like an atomic bomb. The radius of what gets damaged is huge.

Here is a list of what will be hard or is hard in my life because of my mom's death:
College...I never get to call home or skype my mom. I never get packages from her...she sent Brandon and Blake some and I will never get those. 


My graduation...she won't be there.


My wedding. wedding planning...getting ready for my wedding...


My life story always starts with her cancer and death.


Mother's day for me is stained. 


Halloween is beyond morbid...haha kinda funny. ok maybe not really haha


For parent advice I only get the guy side. 


I have had to figure out this woman hood thing by myself. 


The list goes on really. 


Here is a list of what I have had the chance to be without my mom:


I have become independent


I have had the guts to spend 4 months in Spain


I moved from California to Michigan for school


I discovered me and who I am at the age of 21. 


I have been forced to learn how to cook on my own. 


I have heard so many stories of pain and suffering. I have been able to be a shoulder to cry on. I have been able to give empathy to many. I have been forced to look onto the world and see humans as they are. I have felt a pain so raw and intense that when some one else feelings it too...I get to have an automatic connection with them. 


Now I will never dwell on the fact that my mom isn't here, anymore. Because though this was tragic and it should never happen...I became who I am because of it. I met so many wonderful people because of it. I saw death and then I saw what life really was. I became me.

I will always miss my mom. In fact I think about her at least once every single day. And you can hold me to that. There is not a day that goes by that the only thing I want out of that day is to hug her and smell her. I don't even care if she talks. The fact that I get to touch her body is enough for me. I will never be the same again. Nor do I ever want to be. My mom died at one of the worst ages a mom could die...16 years old. But I have survived.

love you so much mom.

  

Because I know I will miss this vacation

Today. It is officially July 28th. In thirteen days I will be picking up one of my best friends from the airport. Less than two weeks. In three weeks I will be in Chicago and then in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

Now a time of classic reflection from the summer. June was fast and I really don't remember it. It was a month of readjusting. Readjusting to Escondido, my Dad and his new life, my friends here, being alone most of the time, and just a different pace of life. July was a bit rough, not going to lie. Plain rough. And now that I am approaching August...I couldn't be more excited.

These last few weeks of California will be entirely up to me. It's my Mom's birthday this month. I still haven't been to her grave. I'm not sure if I want to. I have to get my house ready for my friends who are visiting me and also get everything we need for camping. I will need to soak up San Diego.

This summer wasn't what I was expecting. I didn't have high hopes or low hopes but it turned into something I wasn't anticipating at all. What life brought me this summer has pushed me a little further in life. Sometimes I lose hope in the human race. With the people that are directly in life or pass me by. I don't have this automatic hope in people or this trust that they are always going to be by my side. I need a constant reminder. I am personal. I am clingy. I am solid. I am forgetful. I am me.

I love love love consistency. I found that out this summer. Consistency in arguments, thoughts, beliefs, ways of life, communication, etc. When something doesn't follow a consistent pattern, I am truly bothered by it.

I would rather be alone then be with people that are just breaking the surface in our friendship. I'm not sure if that makes sense. But it tires me out...relationships. When it is effortless or almost effortless...I am all for it. I will spend all my days with you. If you can't handle the agony that naturally enters my life, then I can't do it. This summer my dad got a girlfriend. My brother britt started showing his face again. These two sentences might seem so simple but what they bring in my life is complex and situations that aren't easy. Though this has been my life for a long time. Its way too normal to me now. To the point that dealing with it seems as difficult as finding a job.

So this summer...I have been alone. I have been so alone. Sometimes I am lonely and other times I enjoy it. I used to fear loneliness. I used to dread it. Now I don't fear it. I don't even noticed I am alone. For that fact I am nervous about being with people so much again. Because I am starting to need it a lot more than I thought I did.

With saying that. I'm not sure how reachable I will be to anyone that doesn't live in my town. Last three weeks of California. How do I approach you? How...because I know I will miss this vacation.  

Promise your home that you will love it just as it has and will love you

home. home. home.
Where is it and how do we find it? I only know my answer to the question. Home is where my heart leaps. Home is where I would do anything for that person. Home is where I can voice my opinion and not be shut down. I have been having a lot of debates with my dad lately. Debates about the colorado shooter, about the role of woman in Christianity, and the list goes on from there. I never feel scared to voice my opinion. Every time it seems to be slightly different than my dad's. And you know what? I'm ok with that.

This summer I began to be closer to people that are miles upon miles away from me. I also began to get closer to people that are 5 minutes away to right down the hall. Things in life seem to go a certain way and the pattern is unknown. Right now my life is turning. A different turn than I thought it was going to take. I am stepping in and dealing with it. well as much as I can. Though after this year is up, I will be deciding my future.

I watch and listen to my friends deciding as well. I learn through them...I try my best to also be there for them. Decisions are the worse. They really are. You are either decided between something bad and good, good and good, or bad and bad. If I decide to stay in Michigan...I leave behind so many things and people. Though which state is better for me right now. What is good for me right now?

I found a new family last school year. And that is something I never want to let go of. I never want it to slip between my fingers. I fear now that it has potential to. Not because love isn't there. It's not even close to that. It is life. It is the decisions and choices in life that will affect it. It is the unnatural events in life.

For three 1/2 years after my mom passed away I was depressed. It never got better. It got insanely worse before it got better. It tore my heart up and chewed on it for 3 1/2 years. The devil got me thinking things that weren't true or right. I saw people differently than I do now. I'm not sure what brought me out of that depression but I know when my heart and mind where isync...a close knit family appeared before my eyes.

My home will never be a house or a "home". My home will never be a smell or a taste. My home is that living body sitting next to me, on my computer screen, in the speakers of my phone, and in my thoughts. That is my home. Because I cannot survive with just four walls, windows, and a door...I need bodies. Warm bodies. The ones who hold your hand...break your walls...kiss you goodnight...and tell you that they love you.

My family is spread apart. My Dad in Escondido. Britton in San Diego. Brandon and Allison in Oakland. Blake, Brooke, and Alaina in Illinois. Where is my home? Where do I choose to plant my roots for a bit. I have no idea and I don't want to think about it until I have to.

Anyways, think of your home. Hug it with your mind. Promise your home that you will love it just as it has and will love you. Because there are people out there that don't even have one home.

Just little bit, a little bit of joy from the heartache

Its easy. It's easy to love someone far away. It is easy to love someone who is in another country than your own. It is easy to see someone's good side to them when they sit right by you, not saying a word.

I prayed this morning a prayer that I didn't know would be answered so fast. I am dying to grow and to grow more and more. I am dying to know more. I first prayed the prayer of forgiveness. My heart needed it. I needed to feel God sitting there and holding my hand.

I knew once I asked...I wouldn't know what I was asking once it was answered. I know I am smart and I know I am mature than most. I know that I am quiet and calm at certain moments. Though I know when asked...I will say whatever I need to.

So I prayed. I prayed for God to mature me more. I prayed for him to give me more knowledge. I take these leaps sometimes and when I get to the other side, I regret ever taking that leap. The hills are smoother and higher. The valleys are too comfortable.

Tonight I saw my past. I saw someone that will always have my heart and continues to cause pain to it. Sometimes I hate my major and what it brings me. Sometimes I hate that my best friends are social workers because I became this well rounded person who is knowledgable in soft science. I hate it because I see what I learn right in front of my face. It touches home...it is home. It pulls at my heart. And at that moment I want to break.

Life never gets easy. It never ceases to show you things that are breakable. It will pour and pour love into your heart. Joys will burst everywhere. And then it will give you heartache. Whenever I know one of my friends will experience pain of some sort. I want to help. I want to not put a band aid on it but grab them close...others I have to do other things. But I want to know for that moment in time their heart swells with joy. Because even if it is for a second...it is still joy.

So what do you do? Nothing but just power through and hope that someone or something will bring you joy along the way. just a little bit.

cannot help but talk about life

As the day arches over the moon and the green in the plants seems to fade, you wonder...is this where I want to be? Are these the kind of people I want to be around? Should I invest my soul into this life that I seem to be living?

Whenever I get on the phone with Marie Koster, we cannot help but talk about life. We start with are conflicts at the time or our joys in life. Although, the conversation changes into talking about life. Talking about how people react to certain situations. How we want to live. How we think we ought to live.

From these conversations I have grown. I rarely have friends that are my same age. Actually I can count on my hand how many I have. I seem to get attracted to people that are older than me like the moth to the light at night. I cannot help it. Maybe it is because I have been through a lot, I am not sure...or maybe because I was so used to being around my brothers or being the oldest to Britton.

I know though from these kinds of conversations I have certainly looked at life a lot differently. How? I have a lot of future scary things that a few people are blessed with. When I graduate from college this spring my mom won't be there. Actually, my Dad's girlfriend most likely will be. When I get married and if I do, my mom won't be there to give me wedding advice or to be walked down the aisle by my fiance. When I give birth to my first child, and if do want kids, my mom won't be there to give me advice that mother does. She won't be there to babysit or to get the pinkest set of clothes the store has. Even though I couldn't stand pink when I was little. This is my life. These are things that will never leave.

But...

They aren't here yet and some are so far away. I will never overwhelm myself with these thoughts. I won't let it happen. They aren't an issue right now nor should they be. I shall face them when I they present themselves.

[[I tend to make promises and ones that I can keep. I think promises are good, well once you can clearly keep one to a certain extent. I made three promises to my mom when she was dying. I won't share them on here. If you know me then ask me. So far I have fulfilled one of them. The last one has given me a lot guilt when I can feel that I am about to break it. This isn't a promise I can't keep. I very much can. Though the three promises give me this sense that my mom is there.]]

This is life. It can either fulfill your heart if you believe in certain things or take certain paths or it tear you down. It can destroy your love to live. Life will bring all the hard questions and give you the hard answers. It will strip your soul to the bear bone. It will also bring things that excite your inner most being. It will lift you up.

We all have this image of God and who is. Some things are distorted and others are right on the money.  I felt God grab hold of my heart and squeeze it. I have cursed him. I have cried to him. I have felt almost ever emotion there is towards him. He has brought me life. 

The plants grow in the deep soil.

bringin back the old school writing style...

[I'll just wait. I'll just wait for you here. I will watch the stars move by month and month. I will save my hands that are semi smooth for you. My dreams and plans will not change because I know when and where I meet you, it can be anywhere. There is no limit to my wait, though I know my patience will grow tight.]

The plants grow in the deep soil. Water comes and quenches their thirst. The sun shines as bright as it was made for. And some die and some are ready to harvest. I will quench my thirst with the greatest books, movies, people, and positive thoughts. I will find the light that makes me glow. Some of my unwanted characteristics will die off and fade. Some will grow deeper into the ground of my heart and mind. All of this so that I may be ready to harvest when you come by. My purpose wasn't for you although it was part for you. I will wait and grow. I will be modeled into the person I was created to be. I will soar and with you I will soar higher.

My head will rest each night for the next day I could meet you for the first time or the millionth time. I strive to see myself be a better person and then when you and me are ready...I will meet you and you will meet me like we have never met before. I will take you on and you will take me on.

I will touch base with your heart and you with mine. I will hold your hand when you are scared and you will with mine. I will grab your head in my hands and tell you how long I have been waiting for you, that this moment was designed for us. This moment I will express my emotions for you. I will tell you how great you are in hopes to boast your confidence. I will take your hand and tell you to stand for I know you are strong.

I will not fantasize about your qualities, your looks, and your soul. I will not let my imagination make you great or small. My mind is not in control of that. I will not lust over your looks that I imagined. For I know and I trust that my expectations will be blown away. I will see your flaws and embrace them. I will see your qualities and encourage them. I may never meet you or I may meet you. Therefore I will not try and make you into one of my fantasies. Though I will have my requirements to keep my heart safe until I find you or you find me.

So for now I will look out at the blue sky and spend my time with those who already found me.

rejection at it's finest.

I sit in awe to how people act towards each other. I sit in awe wondering if they even know what they are doing. I do not understand why people chose this over that and etc. I wish I could understand.

I rarely get rejected. Probably the one feeling that I am less familiar with. It is rare for me to find myself feeling this feeling. Though I can say I felt it twice Yesterday. I felt the sting of someone not wanting you...the sting of someone throwing yourself right back at you. I can't go into detail about this because I know many read my blog. So I'll be vague but thats ok.

Rejection. It makes me feel so alone. It makes the people who love and support me so small. I'm getting used to being so alone here this summer. Though at times it kills me. I have been good at selecting the thoughts I should be having and keeping them...but the problem is keeping myself busy with things other than the computer. Man I hate and love my computer all at the same time.

This feeling just is unbearable. Though when I do feel rejection, I also do not feel the energy or the wanting to have that person want me. Not anymore at least. I've been rejected from my brother countless of times. I can't even count on my fingers. I miss him so much but this summer it came to a point where I just couldn't take it anymore. I gave up my control and moved on. I stopped rejecting the the rejection.

Every time I go home something has changed. Its a drastic change. It is always chaotic or difficult. It captures my heart and just tears at it. I remember waking up in the mornings and looking outside...crying. Just literally crying and then wiping the tears away and trying to move on. I don't want to remember the pain. Thats just morbid.

This summer there is still a lot of change. More than I was planning. A lot more than I was preparing myself for. It was like I walked in on my surprise birthday party...
Though the way I am dealing with it is a lot different. Its almost like black and white. And I know for various reasons why. I owe it to the ones who saw my heart and didn't reject it in any way. The ones who grabbed on and held on. The ones who brought their problems to me and I brought mine to them. The ones who held me when I just needed to cry a little.

I'm dealing with rejection a lot better than I gave myself credit. In life it isn't a good idea to compare. What was better and what was worse...what pleased and what pleased better...though there are exceptions. I looked at who supported me now and continues to do so...I compared that with the people who rejected me. I feel so blessed I cried a bit while writing this.

I really hope I'm known for being honest cause then this is going to sound horrible. haha. I don't tend to lie. It really isn't my "fall back." It just hurts yourself in the end. Though I know I have been known to be manipulative...which is a weird complex form of lying. Saying or doing things to get your way...and those things sometimes don't hold complete truth in them. Its like when someone says they are kidding...well probably 90% of what they said is true and 10% was kidding. Manipulation can be the same thing, 10% is true and 90% is a huge guilt trip.

I found out by limiting the manipulation skills I have...I become less likely to be rejected.
So for the other part of rejection that doesn't even deal with manipulation, I have to view it as another door closing. Another path to follow. Another person to get emotionally involved with that is probably better for me. Another perspective.

I can think of four people that I can actually talk like this out loud and have to with holdings. The ones that I never fear rejection. And if I have been rejected from them once or twice...I love them too much to find another door. I encourage anyone to find two or more people that you can do this with and say that too.

I talk to myself way to much and justify it by talking to kitty

"Our attitudes need adjustment with every change that comes into our lives. Everyone encounters storms and dry wells in life, which threaten to wreck our attitude. The secret to safe arrival is to continually adjust your perspective."

Life, I cannot explain and I will never try. God allows turmoil and happiness all at the same time. Our parents die, we need emergency surgery, our friend doesn't like us anymore, your sibling is living in a completely different world than your family, the sky casts grey over head and it won't go away, the job you were hoping to get was given to someone else, and just fill in the blank with something negative.

Things that can't be explained rush into our lives all the time. It can be the most simplistic negative situation or it can be rather complex, but it still comes. We still have to face it. Though our choice is in how we face it. How we face it determines the rest of our life. A bit dramatic but in the long run it is true. 

I could of stayed in Michigan for the summer. It was an option. I decided to go home. When I came home things happened. Events started to take place and a lot of them I did not like. In fact I kind of hated them. I honestly don't hang out with a lot of people or anyone while I am home now. Its rather not by choice but by circumstance. This puts a weird solitude in my days. I hate it. I hate being alone this much and experiencing loneliness. It is not because I am uncomfortable with myself, it is because I crave community. I want my voice to be heard. I have noticed that I sing louder in the car now. I talk to myself way to much and justify it by talking to kitty. 

Though maybe my hatred needs to be changed into a newer view. Maybe I need this quietness to reflect on things I haven't done before. Read the books I want to read so badly. Make that piece of artwork I have longed to make. Take those pictures I've been wanting to shoot. Develop my blog better. Work on me more. Bake a cake to perfection. Love my Dad more. 

I want community. But maybe this time will be for me. A time where I can be better for my community.  I'm always terribly nervous for this time. I get sucked into my thoughts, my lonely thoughts. So then I find a great song. That is quiet and has a sweet melody to calm my head. A voice that seems angelic. I recently heard this song: Once Upon Another Time by Sara Bareilles. 

My dad often asks me for advice. Well often as I mean every time he needs advice. I listen to his words and then put in my honest opinion. I thought that this was absurd sometimes because I took it really personally...in a way that tired me out. I was honored but I also felt strange. I'm 21 and my dad is 59. I thought he had more experience in life. I pause and think. Maybe I'm blessed with something...haha I have no idea. Once I changed my attitude, it never bothered me so much. 

I walk along this path of life. I make choices and decisions. Some have been very good and others have made me learn the hard way. I'm tired of impressing people, of fitting in, of looking my best (others' best), and I'm tired of being treated as tough. I may seem like it. But really to be honest...Its not so much about being tough. It is about dealing with things. It is seeing things differently. It is allowing yourself to feel the pain or love...then moving to the next step. It is about making better choices than foolish ones. We all want to be comforted, loved, given attention, and we want it now. Its not that simple. Be independent first. Be you, your own person. Make life happen. 

I have noticed that in life you naturally become better friends with people that have struggled to some degree as your own. Or they take this genuine concern and aren't afraid of given you words. I have met a lot of people in my last three years of life. My heart grows fonder of the times when your new friend tells you about some hardship. Because once that happens you seem to look at them differently. Your eyes fall upon them like a single flower in a wheat field. For the moments to come in that relationship...they seem more fun, more enjoyable, and worth your while. I strive for this community. We weren't made to settle. That does not mean strive for success. No, this means we have a potential. We were made good. Lets be good together through everything I suppose. 

Since that doctors appt....I became silenced.

I've been disconnected lately. It is like an outer body experience. I see, hear, and think about my friends. Though I seem to feel far away, not as in miles but as if a wall as been built. I know that I have created this wall. I created this wall from reasons I am not sure of.

The other day (a phrase I love to say) I was remembering my mom. I had gotten back from the doctors and there I got my first check (and lesson) into knowing if I had any lumps in my breasts. That day was odd. Because it was another day that changed me. I was skyping my friend Shannon and I mentioned it. I didn't want to but I knew it was important for me to do so. I found myself on the verge of tears. I held them back and spat out the rest of the sentence, only to gain another one faster.

There are days that mark our hearts forever. I know that day will be one of them. I could just imagine my mom in the doctor's office being told she had breast cancer. Then my mom going home and feeling the lump while her kids play and scream in the background noise. A day that marked her forever.

Since that doctors appointment (that I knew was coming...and that I told no one about) I became silenced. I'm not sure what happened to my heart but some of it got callused once again. I find myself making the door to my heart tinnier as life goes on. I wish it wouldn't but I can't afford more pain.

I don't mean to be morbid or whatever you like to call this. I just see life differently. I see these events happening to me and to others. As you grow older I feel as though the world just seems darker and finding the positiveness can become a chore. Although, once you find that positiveness life becomes wonderful. It fills your heart to all extremes.

I have my own pains in my life. I have become good at filtering through things and putting them in categories. This needs to be dealt with now, this can be dealt with a bit later, this is nothing...just move on. Before I would just go buck wild with my emotions, granted I was going through a lot. But every single thing had to be dealt with all extremities.

My perspective on life has changed. The way I view people has changed also. I see people far different than I did before. My tolerance for rudeness is very low, I just see no reason for it. If you have a point to make then make it...don't be around the bush with rudeness.

I talk a lot about life and how certain things effect me. How that then changes me. My form of debriefing I suppose. I love life and I like figuring it out. I like to figure out how my friends work and how they come to the conclusions they do. Because even if we share a lot of common interests, we are different. And I suppose I need to know their motives in life before I become emotionally connected.

I hate that I have experiences a lot before most 20 year olds and that I need to take precaution before I step ground into any body's life. Though this is me and there is always a new problem around the corner. Being proactive about it has done me well.

Now...do I involve myself into my Dad's relationships with other woman that aren't my mom? Would I lose part of my mom if I did so? Would I only be stuck with the on going breast exams to be connected with my mom? (I think thats drastic and very morbid.)

Life always hits me hard when I come home to sunny California. And no one gets it. They really don't. No one understands but me. I can complain all I want but that will never solve anything. Instead I will be strong and I will cry when I need too. I will face my difficulties as they pour on. I will be nice and charming to the people in California that don't know me or understand me anymore. This isn't forever and it will never be forever. I shall pray and take action.

time..I will wait

Time.
Time tells all. It reveals how patient you really are. Time soothes most pains. It creates a baby in 9 months. Time, zones in on your deepest secrets and flaws. With time you grow into something. A certain number of days tells you when you will see that person again. Its like an unwritten contract with many problems. In due time. This too shall pass. The cookies will be done at this time. Waiting is usually parallel to time, as so is speed and slowness.

Time is very essential in our lives. We cannot grasp how God works in time because it has no bound on Him. But the bound it has on us is linear. Nothing can remove us from this linear line. It strangles us down.

I once thought that I could leap over this time issue. I thought that I could heal from my Mom's death in a rapid motion. I was so terribly wrong. It will be almost 5 years since my mom passed away. I still remember when it was only two. I have come out of a dark space and that dark space lasted so long. Though only time could of healed it. Last October it was the first time I did something for Halloween, the day my mom died. It took me 4 years to be ok with it.

I was so frustrated with time and how it worked...that it effected my relationships, my perception on reality, and made it harder to move on. I like dealing with things straight on and right away. I hate having them spread out. Because my mind will not stop circling the problem until it is dealt with.

BUT

Reality check. The thing is a lot of people don't deal with life this way. In fact most people I have encountered with don't. Those people have taught me how to be patient. To be patient with them and how they deal with the situation. Though of course certain scenarios trump others.

Time...here at home I have experienced and keep on experiencing at a slow rate. Life moves so slow here right now. My dad is constantly busy with work and the 100 of classes and dates he attends. So coming home to an empty house isn't fun at all. I have always known that one of my fears is to be alone. I'm not a fan of being alone. My heart desires to find someone that will discover the world with me. Even if the world is just my backyard. To be honest, it doesn't even have to be a guy. A soulmate of a friend next to my side will do.

As you sit here reading my blog think of your life right now. What are you waiting for? Is it worth the wait and time? Will you be better in the end? Don't avoid things and put time and wait where it isn't needed. We hate waiting so much but sometimes it is in our hands if we wait or not. Don't wait to tell someone you love them...feelings should never be repressed. Life is new everyday and everyday you wait to take action your goal could be drifting farther and farther. Don't wait. Because there will be plenty things in your life that you will have to wait on.

Over time I have forgotten my mom's voice because it slowly turns into my voice. With time my mind has pushed things in files in the back where I can't easily reach them. Life really sucks at times. We lose people. Then we lose some of the memories we held with them. We lose friends that once touched our hearts so deep. We lose faith in God and somehow maybe gain it back. We lose. Though I know I have won. I get up in the morning and face the day that makes me take risks with losing, gaining, and waiting. I risk giving my heart to my friends...I risk being bold and truthful...I risk.

So because of time I will wait. I wait to know what it feels like to not have my mother at my wedding. I wait to know it feels like to be so close to someone it hurts. I will wait to know what it feels like to have a career. I will wait to know what it will be like when I settle down. I will wait to see my brother again. I will wait. I will wait. I will not wait to say I love the the ones I love. I will not wait to be honest. I will not wait to experience life. yolo

spain, january, spring...what a time.

I found myself in my home in California...wanting something else. Wanting to be in Grand Rapids, Michigan. At that moment I had realized that I had fallen in love with the place. I didn't know that a single semester could change my experience there. I always kind of dreaded going to Grand Rapids when I was home. It was a place that just seemed so foreign to me, I felt so out of place there. My clothes were different and how I felt about certain topics were different as well.

This year Spain changed me into an entirely different person...and then Spring semester at Calvin changed me again. I met amazing people and I also developed better relationships with former friends. My mind and my body were busy with school, work, and people. I was distracted by chaos back home and things that surrounded me. The distraction made it possible for me to deal with things far better than I ever have. It amazed me how I felt pain differently. I felt it in bits instead of all at once like I usually do.

I look at my grades from this past semester. I have done far better. I know I have done better. Though I don't see bad grades. I see lessons that I learned that semester. I see relationships that I needed to nurture. I see myself dealing with things. I know that teachers don't see that and grad schools also don't see that. But I do and so do my friends. I'm not huge on the way grading functions. I don't agree with it and it really only works for certain kinds of people. I can study my brains out or at least try and I can never get more than an B. You know I'm fine with that because I know I do better verbally then on paper.

I try my best to wake up with a happy face because I see nothing for me here right now. I'm eager to get back because I found this love between friends that rare. I hold on to that. Life has thrown me so many curves and pushes. When you find something so great after feeling alone for so long...its as if you struck oil. Worrying about bills of every kind isn't an issue. I had some tough days during the past year...but as I look back...I had far more better days then bad.

I owe it to God...as much as I don't want to. I've never been mad at Him before. When my mom died I was upset with Him, not mad. When issues came up with my brother...I was again upset not mad. This semester I became silent with God. I didn't know how to talk to him anymore. The more I became silent the more I realized how angry I have been at Him. As I distanced myself from Him...he started moving in ways that I can only see now.

He opened my best friends heart when I needed her to just be her. He moved into my friend Marie's heart and showed me things that were incredible. As newer and former people started to move into my group of friends...I realized that were my mirrors. I finally saw qualities in myself that I didn't know I had. I grew a confidence in myself that I have never had. Life really evolved for me in a way that I wasn't expecting.

This year I felt like I added a few years to my age. I feel so much older now. I may not act like sometimes but when it comes to something serious...I feel older.

From my mistakes to my friend's mistakes...I have grown. I have grown with them and by myself. I have sought out what I want from life for now. My relationship with God is different now as well. I see him different then I have ever seen him before. I might be a bit distant from him...but I haven't found a way to get closer again.

lets see what this summer holds, shall we?

I Will Never Forget Your Faces

For a few days now my heart has been full. I'm not saying it has been entirely content but it has been full with mixed emotions. I saw my friends graduate Yesterday and I have never been so proud of them. I looked at them and saw growth in their eyes. I saw the overwhelming feeling of life in their expressions...I saw hard work and endurance. From that day I see them as older or maybe even more mature. They completed something that only a select few get to complete.
And then I realized that I may not see some of them again...My heart was mixed with feelings of congratulations and wanting to hold on to the past. Never have I felt the wanting to be in Grand Rapids until this past month.
I'm not sure what to do with that.

As graduation week happened and families came in and out of our house...I suddenly missed my family. Not for what it is but for what it was. When it was dysfunctional but my mom was still breathing. My housemates' moms where cleaning and living in our home for a bit. I enjoyed so much but it also ached my heart. That when I graduate from college it will only be my family with out my mom. The one who is suppose to do my hair and go dress shopping with me. The one who is suppose to come into my home in Grand Rapids and clean because she is bored.

Life has changed and life will continue on changing. I will continue to grow into my new life and the people that surround me. I will stop and listen to the pain in my heart when I meet a close friend's mom...then I will move on and smile. Smile for all the times I had my mom and smile because they still have their mom.

In a weeks time I will head home to a place where people know me differently and see me as someone else. There I will try to grow again before coming back to Grand Rapids. I will miss my friends here so much. This year has been something. I was in Spain for 4 months...and then I was here for another 5 months. For some reason my heart this year is so attached to them. I never feel the need to be silent around them or to push away distraught feelings. They have never made me feel like a failure or an incomplete thought.

God has been distant this year or maybe I have been distant this year from Him. This year I have saw Him in a different light. I saw God work through other's pain. I saw where He put me and where He needed me to be. Though through it all I didn't quite call upon His name...I flowed with the directions that opened up. This past year it has been hard for me to attend church. For one reason I work mostly on Sundays...for another I feel as though the community isn't fulfilling. I have been in more secular places lately that have been way more accepting and friendly.  I have seen more caring hearts this year...

I think it was very important for me to distance myself from church for a bit. To see what problems exist inside of it. To know that just because it is trying to teach something that is holy and perfect, doesn't mean that the church inside and out is holy and perfect. Flaws are in the people and in the human endeavors.

This year has taught me more than I thought it would. This year I felt lonely but I felt comforted more than any other time in the last 4 or so years. I met people that I never want to forget and I came so close to people that I have been wanting to for so long. I may long for my Mom more than I even know and I may feel discomfort around other moms but I know where my comfort lies.

I will never forget your faces.

When all seems like shit...remember simplicity.

Today or actually right now, will most likely be my only time to write. So I will. I will write even if I already wrote two blogs not so long ago.

Right now I live in a world that tries to be everything. It strives to be interesting, exciting, simplistic, cutting edge, calm, relaxing, "in", and everything in between. Then when the individual is looked at...it changes to some extent. The in between really isn't fun. It is the days where you are lonely, depressed, longing for something, and then you proceed to wait as you hang on. It is the time in the day where you look around and see that it is just you. No one can hear your thoughts and some of the thoughts are even terrifying to yourself. 

The thing is, when moments arise where you actually feel comfortable to express yourself...you seize it. You grab hold of the moment where all your emotions are on the table and you know no one will judge you. Tears stream down your face for several reasons. Its been so long since you have expressed this. It actually feels good to cry. Even if you tried not to cry...you are going to cry. Holding it back is like holding the water back when it was rushing in the Titanic. The water couldn't of been stopped. It was simply inevitable that it was going to sink. 

We live in a day as college students that everything is simply terrifying. We must do good once we get into college. After college it is a blood bath of getting the job. Trying so hard to just have your gifts appreciated. There isn't a day that goes by that isn't stressful once you get to the end. 

Though as the tears fall and it seems hopeless to move on...remember this. Remember that the people around you are going through something similar. That we are all screwed up. The idea of looking at someone as if they have everything put together is wrong. You aren't in their head. Your worst enemy is yourself. You're thoughts can control you to any extreme. When they excel, they can't be stopped. 

Today I went into my school's coffee shop. I was looking for a friend. I saw another one of my friends cleaning the expresso machines. I walked up to her and just looked at her awhile before she saw me. She has been through so much this semester. I wanted to just hug her so bad. I saw her face and their was light. I haven't seen the light in her face for months. I remembered everything that she has been going through for the past few months. My heart was filled. 

We act as though the world is crashing and the floor beneath our feet is crumbling. And sometimes it really is. We feel has though we have failed completely. Our hearts are forever alone because of how many other hearts we have failed...including our own. But and yes there is a 'but'. As complex and distorted life can get...simplicity is all we have at the end of the day. A friend making us a meal, a smile from a once broken heart, a hand that gently reaches over and holds your's, your favorite song that just keeps on replaying, an embrace that seems too good to pass up, a joke that is too crude for your parents to see, and the list goes on. The list is far bigger than the list you can come with...that is full of bad things. 

When all seems like shit...remember simplicity. God is in simplicity...believe it or not. When my mom passed away, all I held onto was the simplistic things in life. 

What is Life but a ramble of events.

Life...what it brings and what it takes away. The end is near. I can almost maybe see the light at the end of the tunnel. We all crowd around our little or big computers, typing away or I mean trying to. Pinterest and classic sites like Facebook haunt us with procrastination as our papers or tests await us.

I'm entirely sad about leaving my family in the midwest. I made a home in people's hearts and I have to step away for 3 months. Though some I will never see again. I write so much about friends or my family. I know this but I can't seem to tear away from love, hatred, fears, excitements, and etc. Its hard to pull away from something that is at a constant thought...it is as if it brews in my head until I rest in my bed. It is entirely consuming and almost daunting. I'm very much an introvert...I find rest in being by myself or sitting in a room with a very close friend and not talking for hours. I thrive on this because it drives me through the rest of my day.

There are moments in my day where a thought of my mom pops in my head. Mother's day is approaching and it made me think; I have changed so much in the past 8 months. I have been to another country and rested my head in another family's home. I turned 21. I figured out a flexible plan for myself as senior year is coming faster than ever. I have had relationships with people that came and went. I thought I met my next boyfriend but was left broken hearted. I fought for justice in my family and also left things alone. I became an adult...I suppose.

I have heard the name mom so many times in the past 3 days...I don't think I have enough fingers and toes to count.

When I go home...I'm afraid I will be too different for everyone. I think I have changed in being more honest and up front with my feelings...I feel I have changed from being less innocent in my maturity.

As I try and imagine my friends in different areas of the world or US, I get angry. But with whom? Them? Never. God? no...Then what? I get angry with life and the cycle of it. The on going pulls and pushes. the pulls with friends and pushes...the embraces that seem to not last long enough. The way I wish I could bask in the sun when it is hot...I wish I could bask in energy of my friends. I'm starting to just ramble but what is life but a ramble of events.

We Found Love...in a hopeless place

This year...this semester. I don't want it to end. I'm expected to write a paper right now but I just can't seem to get into it. I'm listening to We Found Love by Rihanna, maybe only some of you like it or some of you probably don't even listen to the song. 

When ever my group of friends go out for the night to dance...and this song comes on...we go buck wild. That is the only way to put it. 

This year has been a year that I won't forget. I have struggled, fought, loved, cried, crawled, ran, made bad decisions and made good ones...I will never regret the things that happened this year. I commit to all the decisions I have made. 

Its funny how you can listen to one song and instantly memories shoot out like fireworks. There is nothing more amazing when those memories are nothing but good. We Found Love by Rihanna makes me think of so many amazing people I either met this year or have been friends with for awhile now. I can't seem but to just smile and dance with my memories when that song comes on through the car speakers, headphones, computer, or the party going on that Friday. 

When I left Spain and came home to San Diego, I was nervous about coming to Grand Rapids again. So many people changed and developed something different in their lives. My housemates already lived together for 3 semesters. I was the newb coming in. I was the new girl in the social group...I was nervous that I would be put on the outside for being gone for so long. I wouldn't get the inside jokes that were just made or I wouldn't know many faces. 

I have no idea why I was so nervous once I arrived in Grand Rapids. I remember sitting at the train station and it was so cold. I was waiting for my friends to come get me. I hadn't seem them in 7 months. I barely talked to them during that time as well. They drove up and just gave me the most embracing hugs ever. I could hardly put my stuff in the car. Daniela kept looking back at me from the front seat to the back seat. It was like I was fake or some kind of fantasy to them. They quickly caught me up and expressed their love and caring thoughts to me. 

I just sat in aw. I was dumb founded. One of my biggest flaws of when I get close to someone is knowing and keep knowing that they love me. Just because I do something wrong or they don't give me "enough" attention means that they don't love me. I have been working on this this past year. Daniela has been my right hand man in it all. She grabs me by the face and pulls it close to her's. So close that our noses could touch. She tells me "I love you, Brenna." And sometimes she tells me to repeat after her, "Daniela loves you." 

When you are so far away from home, the ones that make you feel you...are your close friends. There has been some family things going on and the other night I broke down because I was so frustrated and irritated. As I told my housemates what was going on, Christine shared some things with me about her family. I hold onto that moment and I will never let it go. I believe in soul mates...I believe you can have different kinds of soul mates, so different kinds of loves. There can be numerous soul mates in your life. When it comes to friends, there are definitely soul mates too. I found my soul mates freshman year and this year as well. 

So when We Found Love is played I think of it as many different kinds of loves. In this world today its almost impossible to find love...finding love in a hopeless place. God gives us hope and he can give it to us in so many different ways. I found hope through my friends. I found love. I may be single and alone in that field of my life. But so many other people fill the other areas of my life. I'm entirely grateful. 

This is the first year that I can remember that...

I remember when I felt like I was drowning, drowning in the sea of discomfort. Discomfort with overwhelming frustrations and unending thoughts of wanting to escape. Discomfort with not knowing why I did the things I did. Being drowned in sorrows and agony. I remember when I wouldn't remember what last week felt like or what the day before that day felt like. I remember when I called upon so many people and so many people at so many times. I exhausted friendships when I was frustrated because they couldn't help. I remember lying in bed and just crying or taking a shower just so I could cry and be alone.

Depression is a bitch and thats all there is to it. It is an unhealthy bitch. It consumes every aspect of you and causes you to have a tormented perspective on life, people, friends...and relationships and then lastly yourself. 

I pulled out of it. Amazing. I remember being in Government class senior year of high school. It was my first period so naturally at a private Christine school devotions and prayer start off your day. My teacher read some devotions and I have no idea what it was saying. But depression was brought up...and my teacher said that depression is a sin. It is self-loathing. It is self-pity. There is nothing is to it...all you need is Jesus. All you need to do is repent. 

I remember my reaction to it. I was unsettled...practically disturbed. I wanted to protest but I had no idea why. 

One of my first core classes at Calvin College was Psychology. I fell in love with it. I fell in love with theories and behaviors...the cognitive processes. I fell in love with the fact that depression wasn't a sin...it was a condition. It is a condition. Some people have it all their lives others have it for months. Chemicals are literally unbalanced. Something went wrong and it isn't working all too well anymore. 

This is the first year that I can remember that I'm happy most of time. I complain about this or that...I get frustrated...I get upset or angry...I cry...I laugh...I yell...I scream lyrics out in the car. The difference is that this is all normal. There are connections and explanations to the feelings. I'm not over my head with feelings. 

My theories of personality class for psych has been allowing me to look at myself differently and enjoyably. Its been great. And now I sit here procrastinating, writing a blog when I should be writing my final paper for this class. ohs wells. ha

may then april then me

Its almost going to be May. Well, I know it is still April but when you caught up in life...almost applies to everything that deals with time. Its my 3rd year in my second semester. I know that at the end of this year there are people I most likely won't see again or have the chance to see again. There are people who I don't really want to see again either. 

In the past few weeks or months my relationships with people have evolved to this weird universe. I have found my identity or something close to it. I have finally been able to be myself. I haven't been able to do that in forever. 

I used to get this weird anxiety feeling when people didn't accept me. This uneasiness. Because I wanted to hang out with. I wanted to be around them...but there were times when they didn't accept me. It might of been because I didn't accept myself or I just wasn't their cup of tea. I really don't know. It's funny how things come to be. It's funny how certain things rub you the wrong way but yet you move on. 

I have been in a psychology class for past few months. It is about theories of personality and every week we take a personality test that pin points something different or sometimes something broad. I have taken a notice of the tests and the class very well because at the end of the class we have to write a paper on ourselves. The past few tests have really challenged me to take a notice at myself.

I haven't been digging deep but I have been observant. I have been really observant with my interactions with other people. In a consequence I have drawn closer to the people that know me well. I have been wanting to better those relationships. So the people that know me better are the people that live with me. And the people back home...but I have been slacking in being connected with them. I have been busy, very busy but that can never be an excuse because you always have time. It depends on you schedule your time. 

I sit here on a Saturday night with my notes from psych class everywhere. The sun is setting causing the living room to decrease in light. Though once a light is turned on, it is officially night. Saturday has turned into Saturday night. I sit here with my friends on the couch...and my heart becoming jealous because I really don't want to be studying or trying to study. I sit here with weight of the world on my back because I let it happen that way. Consumed by life choices I sit on this wooden chair deciding whether or not I want to keeping acting like this or that. If I want to turn these acts into habits or not. Habits to maybe change my personality a bit. To change me. I'm not sure what life is about to be honest. I know it is to praise and glorify God but in what for me personally? What is becoming my purpose here and how do I want to approach it...how do I want to be? 

This is why I love psychology...I like learning about the inner parts of me and the inner parts of the people I encounter with. I hate being in school, in classes that pertain to my major...but they do to others. I hate being in school because I'm not out in the world...I'm in a classroom feeling like I am suffocating. Dramatic, maybe. 

Whoever you are...reading this...don't stop getting to know yourself. Getting to know why you do certain things a certain way that might not be like everyone else. In fact I challenge you to. Because you are the only fascinating person you will ever meet. Narcissistic it sounds but there won't be a day that doesn't go by where you won't surprise yourself.  

Cynical Human Being

There is this lingering sentence in my mind. I hear almost every morning since I have been in Michigan. It is very simple and yet a genuine concern. The words leave the mouth with out any hesitation or thought to what effect it might have on the other person. "Did you sleep ok?"

I'm not sure why this question lingers on the tip of my brain. As though it is a fleeting thought that just can't flee from my brain. Like it is stuck on something...a loose bult in my mind. I'm not sure but because it lingers I'm attached to it.

You are tired and the clock is set at 10, 11, or 12. You head to bed and say goodnight. For what ever reason it is time to get up and get ready for the day ahead. You might of woken up from a sleepless night, ironically. Or you might of woken up from an ok night of rest. There are those nights were when you wake up in the morning...you wake up with no headache, exhaustion, worry, or a need to sleep more. Right then you realize that you slept more than alright. Your beauty rest was fantastic. It was enjoyable...not a hassle or concern to follow into your day.

My housemate and I exchange these words in the morning. A greeting from a friend.

I don't notice these words ever...not until this past week. Spring break was so fast but so needed at so many levels. A period to just rest my body and most importantly my mind. A breather from the everyday schedule of college.

It's those simple phrases that sometimes catch my attention. Do you really want to know how I slept or are you saying this to keep up...to put your two cents into the relationship? I'm not saying it's the negative answer. I think we as humans need to pay attention to the words that come out of our mouths. To ponder if that is really what we want to contribute to the relationship I have with so-n-so. Or is this just a mindless reaction I have towards that so-n-so.

Simple actions or words can have the slightest ill motives but the receiver can perceive them as a complete opposite. People are horrible. People are ruthless. People are liars. People hurt other people. I don't know if we should be incredibly sensitive towards others or we should just try are best not to piss anyone off. I'm not in the fan club to hurt others but it happens to be that I sometimes act like I am.

I often rely on people. I put these expectations into people. The last few months I have realized I need to limit those expectations...because they are letting me down, they are letting my expectations down. It's a matter of becoming more realistic and less imaginative. Though is this going to destroy me? I won't become a cynical human being will I? If I must to survive, then ok. If it comes down to it, then ok. If...then...

Insecurities...the dirt within

Its spring break officially tomorrow, Monday the 19th of March. The excitement of coming back to school...and seeing the people I wanted to see...being in a house that isn't Dad's, wore off. The daily struggles and stresses set in a week or ago. Yesterday my friend and I talked about inventing some kind of cure that takes away everything depressing. The depressing feelings. Those things that just screw your mind up. The events that seem to throw you off track and leave you helpless.

I think one thing I would like to be gone, is my insecurities that seem to trap me. My insecurities weren't set in the way I perceive myself in my looks, in the way I approach new people, but in the way I feel my closest friends perceive me. Strange I must say. Everyone tells me I have this confidence about myself. I even tell myself I just need to be confident that tonight I look good. Though when it comes to those moments in the day where my friends and I are just relaxing...my insecurities set in.

I know to a certain extent where these feelings root from. Scary sometimes to realize it but it is healthy to in so many ways. I know one root is the lost of my mom. Scared to lose someone like that again. Or to simply lose a friend through difficulties. This insecurity I have is like a tumor to me. I just want to find it and extract it from my body. Maybe perform a little chemo too.

Anyways, I must say I didn't realize how much a break from life does for you. Especially during that break the weather is just unfathomable. No more snow or cold winds right now. I love it. The weather changes my mood. In the summer I would wake up. Clean the dishes. Take some coffee. Go outside and sit drinking coffee while doing my devotions. I was lavished with the sun's heat in a Californian morning.
As I step outside to a brisk morning, that is way warmer than the days we have had, my heart sings.

I how different life would of been if I didn't come to Michigan. When I chose this school/decided I would attend Calvin, I was numbed with pain. If I hadn't been, I don't think I would of chosen this place at all. Not because hindsight but knowing who I was back thing before my mom died. Never would I want to go to a state that is saturated with snow, ice, water...in the ground and air. I wouldn't of chosen a place like this. But I am glad I did and I am glad I met the people I have.

I might not be close with all of them but I know they have all shaped me in some way. Its perfect almost when you think about it. Our lives can look like hell sometimes. They can even look so grim that its hard to find the light. But honestly...that grimness is like the dirt on the windows. You can always see out of it but when you focus on the dirt, you can't see anything but that dirt.

If I concentrate on the insecurities I have...I will only know my insecurities and not my strengths.

updating

I'm done with an exam that included 5 essays and that's it. I studied diligently this time. I started on Monday and proceeded through out the week to look at it, and maybe retain some sort of information. When I took the test or began to take it, I thought I was going to fail. Not because I had no confidence but because I'm a terrible test taker. I know my strengths are essays but it was my first important exam. One I wanted to succeed in. I'm sure I passed but my grade I am unsure of. I hadn't realized that once I'm passionate about the subject, I can do quite well.

This is a mark of the a newer me. Its strange how our personalities have temperaments which lay the fondation of our basic personality. Although we seem to evolve into who we are. My attitude and thought process seems to be changing and evolving. This isn't because I'm attuned to myself now but it is because I'm allowing it to change. 

When I go back to West coast, I often drift from what I want to be. My community there is strick in their beliefs. The concept of stepping outside and really testing your beliefs is almost out of question. I'm from California though...I should be able to find people similar to me and the way I think. I don't want my beliefs to be suppressed anymore when I go home. Instead of Conservative with liberal, I'm I liberal with conservative? I'm not totally sure what the answer of that is. I will however keep it open in journey in figuring it out. 

I've noticed in my pursuit in finding out myself and being confident with myself, I haven't taken huge steps forward or backwards. I'll take a step and then wade in the step for several periods. I'm not irrational though neither I'm I rational. Interesting, I suppose.

This year has been rewarding. I came to terms with things and got over so many things. I let go of certain friends who weren't holding that special place in my heart. The priority of so many things started to fall and others took their place. I felt liberated and not pressured. The ones who brought me down, fell down. I'm afraid to say that people in my life hold this hierarchy in my life. The problem with it is when someone who is near the top of the hierarchy starts to fail you on countless of times, it not only messes you, yourself, but also effects many aspects of your life. Hierarchy...

This next portion of my life has always been lingering around though I haven't directly talked about it. Love. Love for the opposite sex in my case. In my 6 semesters of college there has always been someone in each semester. With each someone I have learned about what I want and who I am most importantly. Though this portion of my life has yet to be fulfilled. I'm eager to share life with someone in a far more important way than I do with friends or family. Certain applications do apply here, I am aware. The need to be needed. The want to be noticed. The desire to be respected. And all the other things that follow. Although, I'm not in a hurry or even scrabbling. Priority maybe but certainly not on the top though not on the bottom.