To Fight for a Better Me: Part Two

My last entry is so interesting to me because of has happened now. I have been learning a lot in the last two weeks. I have seen my childish ways so present in my life. I have seen how I need to fight for a better me because then I am capable in fighting for others. It is time that I become an adult. I have in many ways but I am starting to realize I have a lot of work to do in my life.

I have been through a lot and things are still getting figured out. Though I have realized in my strength derived from my struggles, it has prohibited me to relate to another human being. It has kept me from getting involved in my friend's lives. I have talked about myself for far too long and now it is time to talk about others. It is time for me to extinguish my beliefs that have been rooted in fear and laziness. I am not a child anymore...I am not in the "real" world where things get more complex and if we don't have the skills to survive in it, there is no hope.

I have been selfish. I have been so selfish.

I have this problem. I have a problem with getting involved in my friend's lives. I assume that if I am capable of being an open book to them that they should be also with me. That is a complete fabricated lie. I have definitely created that so I didn't have to get so involved. I fear of losing people. I have this fear because I lost someone very special to me. So I fear getting attached. I fear that if I do get attached in this way...that I will fail them. I will them like I failed my brother when he got consumed by drugs. I know this is a lie but sometimes the lies we tell ourselves...disguise themselves as the truth until we are told otherwise. I fear failing people. That I won't be what they want me to be or who that want me to be.

So I have this dilemma. To solve this problem, that I find so horrifying and troubling, will not be easy. Because to be honest I don't know how to. I don't know how to make this an easy transition or if it could be an easy transition. I ask of you...reader...to help me. Surely there are people that are better than me at this.

The reason why I want to be aggressive...is because I am 21 and after college it is like these qualities you obtain and how your character my alter through the years...I am making habits and these habits will stay with me. Before they get too deep in my skin and my mind I want to change it. I want to change it as much as possible. I will not be a prisoner in my own habits and rituals.

This is my next chapter. Turning the pages to find something new and more delightful. To not only bear the fruit from my own personal day but to bear the fruit of others' days. To be a listening ear. To be intention with the approaches to conversation. To be keen. Alert. Alive for others. To limit my talk of personal struggles. To fight for a better me.