I'm impatience about a lot of things. Though one of them is when I get a good idea for a blog. I cannot wait to get out. I was going to do this one on wednesday. Although I have the time now and I probably won't this coming week.
I would just like to take a moment and remember my mom. Her birthday is Wednesday. I believe she would be 54.
I remember when I was really depressed and I would wake up sad almost every day. Or how my freshman year I would take a shower...I really long shower. Because there I was alone and I could cry alone. That year I cannot express how much pain I was in. Everyday seemed like a battle with my mind. Every morning felt like a let down. Somewhere I grew out of it. I pulled through. And now I am experiencing life as it should be.
Today it is hard for me to know what it would be like if my mom was alive. There are so many things that would of not happened if she was around. For an example, I am so much closer to my dad. The things that I think he would ask my mom or things they might of talked about...is what I get to talk about with my dad. I see him differently now than I did when I was little. I see him stronger, alive, and changed.
I miss my mom more than words could say. I miss her more than her friends do and I know I can say that. I miss her in a different way than my brothers or my dad do. My mom spoiled me for being the youngest and the only girl. I knew that when I did wrong in her eyes...it destroyed her. And I only know that now. I cannot understand how she pulled through for so long. She lost her son in a hit and run when he was four. She was diagnosed with cancer in the early ages of 30. She battled it for 13 years and proceeded to be a wife and a mom to 4 kids. And at some point she knew she was going to die before anybody else did. So of course if I did something wrong that was pretty significant...it would feel like an unbearable weight to her...because she knew that she couldn't be there guiding me later on.
Almost every single night there was dessert after dinner besides ice cream or popcorn. My mom baked us something that would last for bit. I would come home from school sometimes and there would be clothes laid on bed or something pretty. She would be at all my home games and sometimes my away games for soccer and volleyball. I remember when she was dying and it was one my volleyball games. She came. She came in a wheelchair. She needed to be resting I am sure but she was there. And it meant the world to me. I was put in entire game.
When I would watched tv at night...I would sit right by her most of the time. And naturally she would grab my arm and pet it. Sometimes it was really annoying and other times it was what I needed.
My house in California has her name all over it. My dad has tried to get rid of some things and make it different but really its impossible. She could of gone into business for decorating because she was that good. So when I come home here...its a lot harder for me. Most people don't get it. There are still a lot of after math from my mom's death. And there always will be. Because death is like an atomic bomb. The radius of what gets damaged is huge.
Here is a list of what will be hard or is hard in my life because of my mom's death:
College...I never get to call home or skype my mom. I never get packages from her...she sent Brandon and Blake some and I will never get those.
My graduation...she won't be there.
My wedding. wedding planning...getting ready for my wedding...
My life story always starts with her cancer and death.
Mother's day for me is stained.
Halloween is beyond morbid...haha kinda funny. ok maybe not really haha
For parent advice I only get the guy side.
I have had to figure out this woman hood thing by myself.
The list goes on really.
Here is a list of what I have had the chance to be without my mom:
I have become independent
I have had the guts to spend 4 months in Spain
I moved from California to Michigan for school
I discovered me and who I am at the age of 21.
I have been forced to learn how to cook on my own.
I have heard so many stories of pain and suffering. I have been able to be a shoulder to cry on. I have been able to give empathy to many. I have been forced to look onto the world and see humans as they are. I have felt a pain so raw and intense that when some one else feelings it too...I get to have an automatic connection with them.
Now I will never dwell on the fact that my mom isn't here, anymore. Because though this was tragic and it should never happen...I became who I am because of it. I met so many wonderful people because of it. I saw death and then I saw what life really was. I became me.
I will always miss my mom. In fact I think about her at least once every single day. And you can hold me to that. There is not a day that goes by that the only thing I want out of that day is to hug her and smell her. I don't even care if she talks. The fact that I get to touch her body is enough for me. I will never be the same again. Nor do I ever want to be. My mom died at one of the worst ages a mom could die...16 years old. But I have survived.
love you so much mom.
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