...that day special and worth living for.

"If I believe in nothing, nothing is going to get me. Saw it all once and it felt like everything."

These lyrics from Deptford Goth really make my mind think and search inside me if I once felt this too. The fact of it is, I have felt this before. If I don't believe in people, the world, life, or God...nothing is going to get me. I have believed in people, the world, life, or God and it all got to me...I felt everything all at once.

If you believe in anything, you are bound to get hurt. Your heart is bound to feel something. And when it does...it either sucks or is amazing. I used to have a lot of expectations in people. I put a lot of work into friendships. Too much work I think. It was killing me. I was let down and crushed by people's natural imperfections.

The world that I saw through my child like eyes weren't adequate for college life.  They were brought to a place that I think most people have to enter before taking on the world. The world has so much beauty in it; the colors, the shapes, the movement, and the noises. Though the world has flaws or natural imperfections too.

I believed in life once before this past year. I'm not totally sure when it was but I did. Because the fact is I saw death at 16. In my home...
I think I believed in life when I didn't have a sense of analyzing yet. When my mind was still immature; not too deep and radical. When my mind only thought about a handful of things and when something entered my life that was strange or complicated...I reasoned with just not having to think about it because it didn't bother me at that age. When I started believing in life again...I was in Spain. I saw the beauty of simple living and the bonds of a nation. I met someone who made me feel so good. So naturally I believed in life again.

God. I don't know when I started believing in God and I really don't want to know. Because it doesn't make a difference to anything. I remember hating church because it was boring and strange. The rhythms of church seemed to only suit my parents or those kids that just seem to fear anything bad and needed something to cling on to. When my mom did die though...I knew I had to hold on to something and if I held onto people...they might die. Although my human tendencies needed the human touch so I also dove myself into friendships, way too much.

God is this concept, idea, faith, person, being, theological debate, misunderstanding, people...life...the world...

He haunts my thoughts and plays with my emotions. He understands. I don't see him has this old man sitting on a chair with a crown on his head. I see him so much more. I see him powerful like the mountains, fierce as the hiss of a tiger. I see his qualities in the things he has made.

Did I stop believing in God? No. I just stopped wanting to believe in Him for awhile. I stopped believing in the people that went to His churches. I couldn't take them anymore. I didn't want to. I was tired of the judging. The picking on at races, the ones who drink or smoke, the ones who use government health care, the ones who dress differently, the ones who are the "church going people". Just plan tired....

I didn't really want to talk about God.
I've been growing and I have just become a bit more silent in my thoughts. I bit more softer. A bit more conscious of what I want to say. I wanted to grow up more and be responsible with my decisions and with my decisions they take time. I needed time and I need time. I need to just see the world as it is and not what I have been told it is.

I do believe we all need to believe in something because then what are we living for? If we just believe in ourselves then we are just pursuing life for ourselves. I want to believe that I can believe in something beyond me. Because I have learned that doing it my way only gets me so far. And if this includes pain and some suffering I think I can deal with it. When I reflect from my day...I can find more than one thing that made that day special and worth living for.