Since that doctors appt....I became silenced.

I've been disconnected lately. It is like an outer body experience. I see, hear, and think about my friends. Though I seem to feel far away, not as in miles but as if a wall as been built. I know that I have created this wall. I created this wall from reasons I am not sure of.

The other day (a phrase I love to say) I was remembering my mom. I had gotten back from the doctors and there I got my first check (and lesson) into knowing if I had any lumps in my breasts. That day was odd. Because it was another day that changed me. I was skyping my friend Shannon and I mentioned it. I didn't want to but I knew it was important for me to do so. I found myself on the verge of tears. I held them back and spat out the rest of the sentence, only to gain another one faster.

There are days that mark our hearts forever. I know that day will be one of them. I could just imagine my mom in the doctor's office being told she had breast cancer. Then my mom going home and feeling the lump while her kids play and scream in the background noise. A day that marked her forever.

Since that doctors appointment (that I knew was coming...and that I told no one about) I became silenced. I'm not sure what happened to my heart but some of it got callused once again. I find myself making the door to my heart tinnier as life goes on. I wish it wouldn't but I can't afford more pain.

I don't mean to be morbid or whatever you like to call this. I just see life differently. I see these events happening to me and to others. As you grow older I feel as though the world just seems darker and finding the positiveness can become a chore. Although, once you find that positiveness life becomes wonderful. It fills your heart to all extremes.

I have my own pains in my life. I have become good at filtering through things and putting them in categories. This needs to be dealt with now, this can be dealt with a bit later, this is nothing...just move on. Before I would just go buck wild with my emotions, granted I was going through a lot. But every single thing had to be dealt with all extremities.

My perspective on life has changed. The way I view people has changed also. I see people far different than I did before. My tolerance for rudeness is very low, I just see no reason for it. If you have a point to make then make it...don't be around the bush with rudeness.

I talk a lot about life and how certain things effect me. How that then changes me. My form of debriefing I suppose. I love life and I like figuring it out. I like to figure out how my friends work and how they come to the conclusions they do. Because even if we share a lot of common interests, we are different. And I suppose I need to know their motives in life before I become emotionally connected.

I hate that I have experiences a lot before most 20 year olds and that I need to take precaution before I step ground into any body's life. Though this is me and there is always a new problem around the corner. Being proactive about it has done me well.

Now...do I involve myself into my Dad's relationships with other woman that aren't my mom? Would I lose part of my mom if I did so? Would I only be stuck with the on going breast exams to be connected with my mom? (I think thats drastic and very morbid.)

Life always hits me hard when I come home to sunny California. And no one gets it. They really don't. No one understands but me. I can complain all I want but that will never solve anything. Instead I will be strong and I will cry when I need too. I will face my difficulties as they pour on. I will be nice and charming to the people in California that don't know me or understand me anymore. This isn't forever and it will never be forever. I shall pray and take action.