rejection at it's finest.

I sit in awe to how people act towards each other. I sit in awe wondering if they even know what they are doing. I do not understand why people chose this over that and etc. I wish I could understand.

I rarely get rejected. Probably the one feeling that I am less familiar with. It is rare for me to find myself feeling this feeling. Though I can say I felt it twice Yesterday. I felt the sting of someone not wanting you...the sting of someone throwing yourself right back at you. I can't go into detail about this because I know many read my blog. So I'll be vague but thats ok.

Rejection. It makes me feel so alone. It makes the people who love and support me so small. I'm getting used to being so alone here this summer. Though at times it kills me. I have been good at selecting the thoughts I should be having and keeping them...but the problem is keeping myself busy with things other than the computer. Man I hate and love my computer all at the same time.

This feeling just is unbearable. Though when I do feel rejection, I also do not feel the energy or the wanting to have that person want me. Not anymore at least. I've been rejected from my brother countless of times. I can't even count on my fingers. I miss him so much but this summer it came to a point where I just couldn't take it anymore. I gave up my control and moved on. I stopped rejecting the the rejection.

Every time I go home something has changed. Its a drastic change. It is always chaotic or difficult. It captures my heart and just tears at it. I remember waking up in the mornings and looking outside...crying. Just literally crying and then wiping the tears away and trying to move on. I don't want to remember the pain. Thats just morbid.

This summer there is still a lot of change. More than I was planning. A lot more than I was preparing myself for. It was like I walked in on my surprise birthday party...
Though the way I am dealing with it is a lot different. Its almost like black and white. And I know for various reasons why. I owe it to the ones who saw my heart and didn't reject it in any way. The ones who grabbed on and held on. The ones who brought their problems to me and I brought mine to them. The ones who held me when I just needed to cry a little.

I'm dealing with rejection a lot better than I gave myself credit. In life it isn't a good idea to compare. What was better and what was worse...what pleased and what pleased better...though there are exceptions. I looked at who supported me now and continues to do so...I compared that with the people who rejected me. I feel so blessed I cried a bit while writing this.

I really hope I'm known for being honest cause then this is going to sound horrible. haha. I don't tend to lie. It really isn't my "fall back." It just hurts yourself in the end. Though I know I have been known to be manipulative...which is a weird complex form of lying. Saying or doing things to get your way...and those things sometimes don't hold complete truth in them. Its like when someone says they are kidding...well probably 90% of what they said is true and 10% was kidding. Manipulation can be the same thing, 10% is true and 90% is a huge guilt trip.

I found out by limiting the manipulation skills I have...I become less likely to be rejected.
So for the other part of rejection that doesn't even deal with manipulation, I have to view it as another door closing. Another path to follow. Another person to get emotionally involved with that is probably better for me. Another perspective.

I can think of four people that I can actually talk like this out loud and have to with holdings. The ones that I never fear rejection. And if I have been rejected from them once or twice...I love them too much to find another door. I encourage anyone to find two or more people that you can do this with and say that too.