Because I know I will miss this vacation

Today. It is officially July 28th. In thirteen days I will be picking up one of my best friends from the airport. Less than two weeks. In three weeks I will be in Chicago and then in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

Now a time of classic reflection from the summer. June was fast and I really don't remember it. It was a month of readjusting. Readjusting to Escondido, my Dad and his new life, my friends here, being alone most of the time, and just a different pace of life. July was a bit rough, not going to lie. Plain rough. And now that I am approaching August...I couldn't be more excited.

These last few weeks of California will be entirely up to me. It's my Mom's birthday this month. I still haven't been to her grave. I'm not sure if I want to. I have to get my house ready for my friends who are visiting me and also get everything we need for camping. I will need to soak up San Diego.

This summer wasn't what I was expecting. I didn't have high hopes or low hopes but it turned into something I wasn't anticipating at all. What life brought me this summer has pushed me a little further in life. Sometimes I lose hope in the human race. With the people that are directly in life or pass me by. I don't have this automatic hope in people or this trust that they are always going to be by my side. I need a constant reminder. I am personal. I am clingy. I am solid. I am forgetful. I am me.

I love love love consistency. I found that out this summer. Consistency in arguments, thoughts, beliefs, ways of life, communication, etc. When something doesn't follow a consistent pattern, I am truly bothered by it.

I would rather be alone then be with people that are just breaking the surface in our friendship. I'm not sure if that makes sense. But it tires me out...relationships. When it is effortless or almost effortless...I am all for it. I will spend all my days with you. If you can't handle the agony that naturally enters my life, then I can't do it. This summer my dad got a girlfriend. My brother britt started showing his face again. These two sentences might seem so simple but what they bring in my life is complex and situations that aren't easy. Though this has been my life for a long time. Its way too normal to me now. To the point that dealing with it seems as difficult as finding a job.

So this summer...I have been alone. I have been so alone. Sometimes I am lonely and other times I enjoy it. I used to fear loneliness. I used to dread it. Now I don't fear it. I don't even noticed I am alone. For that fact I am nervous about being with people so much again. Because I am starting to need it a lot more than I thought I did.

With saying that. I'm not sure how reachable I will be to anyone that doesn't live in my town. Last three weeks of California. How do I approach you? How...because I know I will miss this vacation.