cannot help but talk about life

As the day arches over the moon and the green in the plants seems to fade, you wonder...is this where I want to be? Are these the kind of people I want to be around? Should I invest my soul into this life that I seem to be living?

Whenever I get on the phone with Marie Koster, we cannot help but talk about life. We start with are conflicts at the time or our joys in life. Although, the conversation changes into talking about life. Talking about how people react to certain situations. How we want to live. How we think we ought to live.

From these conversations I have grown. I rarely have friends that are my same age. Actually I can count on my hand how many I have. I seem to get attracted to people that are older than me like the moth to the light at night. I cannot help it. Maybe it is because I have been through a lot, I am not sure...or maybe because I was so used to being around my brothers or being the oldest to Britton.

I know though from these kinds of conversations I have certainly looked at life a lot differently. How? I have a lot of future scary things that a few people are blessed with. When I graduate from college this spring my mom won't be there. Actually, my Dad's girlfriend most likely will be. When I get married and if I do, my mom won't be there to give me wedding advice or to be walked down the aisle by my fiance. When I give birth to my first child, and if do want kids, my mom won't be there to give me advice that mother does. She won't be there to babysit or to get the pinkest set of clothes the store has. Even though I couldn't stand pink when I was little. This is my life. These are things that will never leave.

But...

They aren't here yet and some are so far away. I will never overwhelm myself with these thoughts. I won't let it happen. They aren't an issue right now nor should they be. I shall face them when I they present themselves.

[[I tend to make promises and ones that I can keep. I think promises are good, well once you can clearly keep one to a certain extent. I made three promises to my mom when she was dying. I won't share them on here. If you know me then ask me. So far I have fulfilled one of them. The last one has given me a lot guilt when I can feel that I am about to break it. This isn't a promise I can't keep. I very much can. Though the three promises give me this sense that my mom is there.]]

This is life. It can either fulfill your heart if you believe in certain things or take certain paths or it tear you down. It can destroy your love to live. Life will bring all the hard questions and give you the hard answers. It will strip your soul to the bear bone. It will also bring things that excite your inner most being. It will lift you up.

We all have this image of God and who is. Some things are distorted and others are right on the money.  I felt God grab hold of my heart and squeeze it. I have cursed him. I have cried to him. I have felt almost ever emotion there is towards him. He has brought me life.