Just little bit, a little bit of joy from the heartache

Its easy. It's easy to love someone far away. It is easy to love someone who is in another country than your own. It is easy to see someone's good side to them when they sit right by you, not saying a word.

I prayed this morning a prayer that I didn't know would be answered so fast. I am dying to grow and to grow more and more. I am dying to know more. I first prayed the prayer of forgiveness. My heart needed it. I needed to feel God sitting there and holding my hand.

I knew once I asked...I wouldn't know what I was asking once it was answered. I know I am smart and I know I am mature than most. I know that I am quiet and calm at certain moments. Though I know when asked...I will say whatever I need to.

So I prayed. I prayed for God to mature me more. I prayed for him to give me more knowledge. I take these leaps sometimes and when I get to the other side, I regret ever taking that leap. The hills are smoother and higher. The valleys are too comfortable.

Tonight I saw my past. I saw someone that will always have my heart and continues to cause pain to it. Sometimes I hate my major and what it brings me. Sometimes I hate that my best friends are social workers because I became this well rounded person who is knowledgable in soft science. I hate it because I see what I learn right in front of my face. It touches home...it is home. It pulls at my heart. And at that moment I want to break.

Life never gets easy. It never ceases to show you things that are breakable. It will pour and pour love into your heart. Joys will burst everywhere. And then it will give you heartache. Whenever I know one of my friends will experience pain of some sort. I want to help. I want to not put a band aid on it but grab them close...others I have to do other things. But I want to know for that moment in time their heart swells with joy. Because even if it is for a second...it is still joy.

So what do you do? Nothing but just power through and hope that someone or something will bring you joy along the way. just a little bit.