updating

I'm done with an exam that included 5 essays and that's it. I studied diligently this time. I started on Monday and proceeded through out the week to look at it, and maybe retain some sort of information. When I took the test or began to take it, I thought I was going to fail. Not because I had no confidence but because I'm a terrible test taker. I know my strengths are essays but it was my first important exam. One I wanted to succeed in. I'm sure I passed but my grade I am unsure of. I hadn't realized that once I'm passionate about the subject, I can do quite well.

This is a mark of the a newer me. Its strange how our personalities have temperaments which lay the fondation of our basic personality. Although we seem to evolve into who we are. My attitude and thought process seems to be changing and evolving. This isn't because I'm attuned to myself now but it is because I'm allowing it to change. 

When I go back to West coast, I often drift from what I want to be. My community there is strick in their beliefs. The concept of stepping outside and really testing your beliefs is almost out of question. I'm from California though...I should be able to find people similar to me and the way I think. I don't want my beliefs to be suppressed anymore when I go home. Instead of Conservative with liberal, I'm I liberal with conservative? I'm not totally sure what the answer of that is. I will however keep it open in journey in figuring it out. 

I've noticed in my pursuit in finding out myself and being confident with myself, I haven't taken huge steps forward or backwards. I'll take a step and then wade in the step for several periods. I'm not irrational though neither I'm I rational. Interesting, I suppose.

This year has been rewarding. I came to terms with things and got over so many things. I let go of certain friends who weren't holding that special place in my heart. The priority of so many things started to fall and others took their place. I felt liberated and not pressured. The ones who brought me down, fell down. I'm afraid to say that people in my life hold this hierarchy in my life. The problem with it is when someone who is near the top of the hierarchy starts to fail you on countless of times, it not only messes you, yourself, but also effects many aspects of your life. Hierarchy...

This next portion of my life has always been lingering around though I haven't directly talked about it. Love. Love for the opposite sex in my case. In my 6 semesters of college there has always been someone in each semester. With each someone I have learned about what I want and who I am most importantly. Though this portion of my life has yet to be fulfilled. I'm eager to share life with someone in a far more important way than I do with friends or family. Certain applications do apply here, I am aware. The need to be needed. The want to be noticed. The desire to be respected. And all the other things that follow. Although, I'm not in a hurry or even scrabbling. Priority maybe but certainly not on the top though not on the bottom.