Insecurities...the dirt within

Its spring break officially tomorrow, Monday the 19th of March. The excitement of coming back to school...and seeing the people I wanted to see...being in a house that isn't Dad's, wore off. The daily struggles and stresses set in a week or ago. Yesterday my friend and I talked about inventing some kind of cure that takes away everything depressing. The depressing feelings. Those things that just screw your mind up. The events that seem to throw you off track and leave you helpless.

I think one thing I would like to be gone, is my insecurities that seem to trap me. My insecurities weren't set in the way I perceive myself in my looks, in the way I approach new people, but in the way I feel my closest friends perceive me. Strange I must say. Everyone tells me I have this confidence about myself. I even tell myself I just need to be confident that tonight I look good. Though when it comes to those moments in the day where my friends and I are just relaxing...my insecurities set in.

I know to a certain extent where these feelings root from. Scary sometimes to realize it but it is healthy to in so many ways. I know one root is the lost of my mom. Scared to lose someone like that again. Or to simply lose a friend through difficulties. This insecurity I have is like a tumor to me. I just want to find it and extract it from my body. Maybe perform a little chemo too.

Anyways, I must say I didn't realize how much a break from life does for you. Especially during that break the weather is just unfathomable. No more snow or cold winds right now. I love it. The weather changes my mood. In the summer I would wake up. Clean the dishes. Take some coffee. Go outside and sit drinking coffee while doing my devotions. I was lavished with the sun's heat in a Californian morning.
As I step outside to a brisk morning, that is way warmer than the days we have had, my heart sings.

I how different life would of been if I didn't come to Michigan. When I chose this school/decided I would attend Calvin, I was numbed with pain. If I hadn't been, I don't think I would of chosen this place at all. Not because hindsight but knowing who I was back thing before my mom died. Never would I want to go to a state that is saturated with snow, ice, water...in the ground and air. I wouldn't of chosen a place like this. But I am glad I did and I am glad I met the people I have.

I might not be close with all of them but I know they have all shaped me in some way. Its perfect almost when you think about it. Our lives can look like hell sometimes. They can even look so grim that its hard to find the light. But honestly...that grimness is like the dirt on the windows. You can always see out of it but when you focus on the dirt, you can't see anything but that dirt.

If I concentrate on the insecurities I have...I will only know my insecurities and not my strengths.