For a few days now my heart has been full. I'm not saying it has been entirely content but it has been full with mixed emotions. I saw my friends graduate Yesterday and I have never been so proud of them. I looked at them and saw growth in their eyes. I saw the overwhelming feeling of life in their expressions...I saw hard work and endurance. From that day I see them as older or maybe even more mature. They completed something that only a select few get to complete.
And then I realized that I may not see some of them again...My heart was mixed with feelings of congratulations and wanting to hold on to the past. Never have I felt the wanting to be in Grand Rapids until this past month.
I'm not sure what to do with that.
As graduation week happened and families came in and out of our house...I suddenly missed my family. Not for what it is but for what it was. When it was dysfunctional but my mom was still breathing. My housemates' moms where cleaning and living in our home for a bit. I enjoyed so much but it also ached my heart. That when I graduate from college it will only be my family with out my mom. The one who is suppose to do my hair and go dress shopping with me. The one who is suppose to come into my home in Grand Rapids and clean because she is bored.
Life has changed and life will continue on changing. I will continue to grow into my new life and the people that surround me. I will stop and listen to the pain in my heart when I meet a close friend's mom...then I will move on and smile. Smile for all the times I had my mom and smile because they still have their mom.
In a weeks time I will head home to a place where people know me differently and see me as someone else. There I will try to grow again before coming back to Grand Rapids. I will miss my friends here so much. This year has been something. I was in Spain for 4 months...and then I was here for another 5 months. For some reason my heart this year is so attached to them. I never feel the need to be silent around them or to push away distraught feelings. They have never made me feel like a failure or an incomplete thought.
God has been distant this year or maybe I have been distant this year from Him. This year I have saw Him in a different light. I saw God work through other's pain. I saw where He put me and where He needed me to be. Though through it all I didn't quite call upon His name...I flowed with the directions that opened up. This past year it has been hard for me to attend church. For one reason I work mostly on Sundays...for another I feel as though the community isn't fulfilling. I have been in more secular places lately that have been way more accepting and friendly. I have seen more caring hearts this year...
I think it was very important for me to distance myself from church for a bit. To see what problems exist inside of it. To know that just because it is trying to teach something that is holy and perfect, doesn't mean that the church inside and out is holy and perfect. Flaws are in the people and in the human endeavors.
This year has taught me more than I thought it would. This year I felt lonely but I felt comforted more than any other time in the last 4 or so years. I met people that I never want to forget and I came so close to people that I have been wanting to for so long. I may long for my Mom more than I even know and I may feel discomfort around other moms but I know where my comfort lies.
I will never forget your faces.
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