spain, january, spring...what a time.

I found myself in my home in California...wanting something else. Wanting to be in Grand Rapids, Michigan. At that moment I had realized that I had fallen in love with the place. I didn't know that a single semester could change my experience there. I always kind of dreaded going to Grand Rapids when I was home. It was a place that just seemed so foreign to me, I felt so out of place there. My clothes were different and how I felt about certain topics were different as well.

This year Spain changed me into an entirely different person...and then Spring semester at Calvin changed me again. I met amazing people and I also developed better relationships with former friends. My mind and my body were busy with school, work, and people. I was distracted by chaos back home and things that surrounded me. The distraction made it possible for me to deal with things far better than I ever have. It amazed me how I felt pain differently. I felt it in bits instead of all at once like I usually do.

I look at my grades from this past semester. I have done far better. I know I have done better. Though I don't see bad grades. I see lessons that I learned that semester. I see relationships that I needed to nurture. I see myself dealing with things. I know that teachers don't see that and grad schools also don't see that. But I do and so do my friends. I'm not huge on the way grading functions. I don't agree with it and it really only works for certain kinds of people. I can study my brains out or at least try and I can never get more than an B. You know I'm fine with that because I know I do better verbally then on paper.

I try my best to wake up with a happy face because I see nothing for me here right now. I'm eager to get back because I found this love between friends that rare. I hold on to that. Life has thrown me so many curves and pushes. When you find something so great after feeling alone for so long...its as if you struck oil. Worrying about bills of every kind isn't an issue. I had some tough days during the past year...but as I look back...I had far more better days then bad.

I owe it to God...as much as I don't want to. I've never been mad at Him before. When my mom died I was upset with Him, not mad. When issues came up with my brother...I was again upset not mad. This semester I became silent with God. I didn't know how to talk to him anymore. The more I became silent the more I realized how angry I have been at Him. As I distanced myself from Him...he started moving in ways that I can only see now.

He opened my best friends heart when I needed her to just be her. He moved into my friend Marie's heart and showed me things that were incredible. As newer and former people started to move into my group of friends...I realized that were my mirrors. I finally saw qualities in myself that I didn't know I had. I grew a confidence in myself that I have never had. Life really evolved for me in a way that I wasn't expecting.

This year I felt like I added a few years to my age. I feel so much older now. I may not act like sometimes but when it comes to something serious...I feel older.

From my mistakes to my friend's mistakes...I have grown. I have grown with them and by myself. I have sought out what I want from life for now. My relationship with God is different now as well. I see him different then I have ever seen him before. I might be a bit distant from him...but I haven't found a way to get closer again.

lets see what this summer holds, shall we?