I try everything imaginable and I still can't soar through school

I have been reluctant in being prepared for school. I have been preparing for life instead. I am dreading the time when a test is scheduled and I have to start studying. I have always been a terrible test taker. I tried my hardest I can still not reach my goals.

When people first meet me they say later on that I was intimating or even scary. They also say that I am so cool. Most every time I do not understand this statement or where this thought process began. I get confused and worried. I've been asking my friends why they say that. Why they thought that or still think that. They scary part I still can't seem to understand though. For the other two, they say I give off a sense of confidence. I have my life figured out, I don't care what people think of me or say about me, that if someone has a problem with me I will confront them, and etc. I agree mostly with that. I suppose I can understand that.

The thing is I feel like the dumb jock. I feel like that kid in high school that is so popular but once it comes to school they are at the bottom of their class. I have felt that feeling since I can remember. Since school became competitive or something that is to be successful at. When the recesses stop and knowledge begins to be more fun (at times).

I try everything imaginable and I still can't soar through school like most of my friends. I try to get those high Bs and those golden As...but I can't. I step into a classroom and I feel so self conscious. I feel like everybody in the room knows that I suck at school. I feel that feelings rushing back into me...The teacher hands back last week's test. Everyone is expressing how easy that test was. Even I say those words. As or Bs are exchanged. I finally get mine back. I wish for that B because I know that I will never get that A. I take a look and sure enough its C. More than often it is D. It looks like I don't even study. It looks as if I don't care about my grades. My hand quickly covers the letter. Hoping that no one saw it. Im embarrassed the rest of the class period...

So making it seem like I'm not prepared for my last year of college seemed like a good cover story. Something to lean back on and pretend it was true. Go so far in actually not being prepared.

A prof struck my attention today. He talked about how he loved September. It offered opportunities to start new habits. These habits are potential habits that we will bring through out the year. So maybe I need a new habits and more confidence in myself that I can do this. I have come to learn that tests are not my strong suit. I can talk and talk about what ever I learned and even teach others about it but actually writing it down is impossible for me. I shall change this or cope with it better. Learn and then move on.