try. sunset. xx

I have been thinking about a subject lately that I don't think I can define quite well. It deals with two hearts and two minds. It deals with missing the chance to be something or to be somebody with somebody. It's that idea or concept that seems to be at your grasp though it slips right through your fingers. Sometimes its tragic and toxic. I've been getting good at that. Not because I entirely want it to be but because it falls into my hands like a challenge.

I'm obsessed with a band. A band that speaks more truth and reason then most bands today. They not only write their own lyrics but when they sing them...it is as if their soul was imprinted on every word they let loose from their lips. Drugs, dancing, lies, and etc don't seem to be interweaved with their lyrics either. Which isn't so appealing to our culture of music. Though the bass line mixed with the sublet guitar playing as a rhythm of life or once was life is inexhaustible.

The band The Xx...sweeps me off my feet. Recently, I got rejected after something that seemed to me real. It wasn't a fabrication of my mind because the evidence was there. I felt deceived and led on to something that I didn't know someone was capable of. I'll hide this post from him so that I can be honest.

I haven't had a lot of chances to be rejected. I have been the one who was rejecting. I have broken hearts. I have made someone cry. Because I thought I was invincible. I thought my heart was untouchable. I thought that I could get whatever I wanted. This pattern of actions and thoughts encouraged me to be vulnerable with others. It gave me this risk factor that dug deep in my way of approaching anything.

After what happened...my third rejection out of the multitude of me rejecting...a calus grew to protect me. It grew fast and started to seep into the insides of my heart. My housemates have been incredible. They placed this wall around me. A removable wall but a wall to enclose my vulnerability, to recover.

I was reading my psych homework and I came across a definition of courage from the psychologist Alder. It is taking a risk and not knowing the end product and also taking a risk even thought the product could be hurtful. I took a risk with every guy I had something with. I took a risk to be vulnerable in various ways. When I read that...I decided that I could remove some of that calus. I could be me again but made anew. I could look at the ones who feel rejection more often and have empathy. I could put myself in that spot because now I have been in that spot more than once. I am not invincible but I am courageous.

I can listen to the song Sunset by The Xx and relate in certain ways. I could listen to the song Try by The Xx and say that I have been there. All of our break ups, rejections, and heart aches are different. They will be eternally different. But similarities will only run deep.