but there is another one right after that can be better

Today is the last day of September...and its only 1am.
I'm writing for myself, well for my heart. This past week was very overwhelming and I really just wanted someone to hold my hand and tell me it isn't too bad. You made it to the finish line and with success...
I got overwhelmed and I noticed myself lingering for comfort and for touch. I wanted that time where I can simply just relax with someone to the point that we are asleep. Doing nothing for nothing. Then today I realized that October is breast cancer awareness month. And my heart sank a little. I became so needy this past week and I understood why but not fully, not until I realized what October was.

I love to watch Parenthood. This roughly new show that just tugs at my heart and then makes me laugh.   Sort of like family. Well one of the characters gets breast cancer. I'm not sure if I can watch it this month. Maybe next month.

There are times in the year that I want to just scream and be held...letting all troubles and worries go into a scream and then feeling a touch sooth my soul feels right. Other times I want to step back and look at my life and see all the wonderful people in it. The wonderful things that I was able to do and I'm doing. I want to touch all the abstract things and ideas that are forming. I wish life was more fluid and smooth...but it is not. And because it is not..we have to deal with that.

We have to deal with things like sexuality, impurity, loneliness, dishonesty, overload, being here when you want to be there, God, religion, words that sting, eyes that kill, and the list goes. We have to deal with those things. I'm thankful for some of things...because life would be something different than it is now and I do not think any of us can fathom that. Those things are there and we have to face them.

This past week I missed my mom. I really wanted to just complain and talk to her and hear me complain. I know she would let me do that. As the familiar tears gently come down...it makes me jealous of almost every girl that has a mom. I cannot imagine what my relationship would look like now with my mom because so much as changed in the past 5 years. But that is fine. I don't need to know. It would only make it harder. I know got irritated with my mom...though I do know I will never get that friendship from her. I wasn't mature enough for it. I was only 16. So I push away my wants because they are unrealistic and will only hurt me more.

I just know that I need to keep my head up when life is shit. I need to know that being vulnerable and able to connect is important. There are weeks and more weeks to come...to make it better than before. And love and comfort comes in all its various forms.

This month might be shit but there is another one right after that can be better.

I've been noticing my blogs are getting shorter or rather to the point. Not completely sure what that means. But I don't mind, I like it.