This is the first year that I can remember that...

I remember when I felt like I was drowning, drowning in the sea of discomfort. Discomfort with overwhelming frustrations and unending thoughts of wanting to escape. Discomfort with not knowing why I did the things I did. Being drowned in sorrows and agony. I remember when I wouldn't remember what last week felt like or what the day before that day felt like. I remember when I called upon so many people and so many people at so many times. I exhausted friendships when I was frustrated because they couldn't help. I remember lying in bed and just crying or taking a shower just so I could cry and be alone.

Depression is a bitch and thats all there is to it. It is an unhealthy bitch. It consumes every aspect of you and causes you to have a tormented perspective on life, people, friends...and relationships and then lastly yourself. 

I pulled out of it. Amazing. I remember being in Government class senior year of high school. It was my first period so naturally at a private Christine school devotions and prayer start off your day. My teacher read some devotions and I have no idea what it was saying. But depression was brought up...and my teacher said that depression is a sin. It is self-loathing. It is self-pity. There is nothing is to it...all you need is Jesus. All you need to do is repent. 

I remember my reaction to it. I was unsettled...practically disturbed. I wanted to protest but I had no idea why. 

One of my first core classes at Calvin College was Psychology. I fell in love with it. I fell in love with theories and behaviors...the cognitive processes. I fell in love with the fact that depression wasn't a sin...it was a condition. It is a condition. Some people have it all their lives others have it for months. Chemicals are literally unbalanced. Something went wrong and it isn't working all too well anymore. 

This is the first year that I can remember that I'm happy most of time. I complain about this or that...I get frustrated...I get upset or angry...I cry...I laugh...I yell...I scream lyrics out in the car. The difference is that this is all normal. There are connections and explanations to the feelings. I'm not over my head with feelings. 

My theories of personality class for psych has been allowing me to look at myself differently and enjoyably. Its been great. And now I sit here procrastinating, writing a blog when I should be writing my final paper for this class. ohs wells. ha