may then april then me

Its almost going to be May. Well, I know it is still April but when you caught up in life...almost applies to everything that deals with time. Its my 3rd year in my second semester. I know that at the end of this year there are people I most likely won't see again or have the chance to see again. There are people who I don't really want to see again either. 

In the past few weeks or months my relationships with people have evolved to this weird universe. I have found my identity or something close to it. I have finally been able to be myself. I haven't been able to do that in forever. 

I used to get this weird anxiety feeling when people didn't accept me. This uneasiness. Because I wanted to hang out with. I wanted to be around them...but there were times when they didn't accept me. It might of been because I didn't accept myself or I just wasn't their cup of tea. I really don't know. It's funny how things come to be. It's funny how certain things rub you the wrong way but yet you move on. 

I have been in a psychology class for past few months. It is about theories of personality and every week we take a personality test that pin points something different or sometimes something broad. I have taken a notice of the tests and the class very well because at the end of the class we have to write a paper on ourselves. The past few tests have really challenged me to take a notice at myself.

I haven't been digging deep but I have been observant. I have been really observant with my interactions with other people. In a consequence I have drawn closer to the people that know me well. I have been wanting to better those relationships. So the people that know me better are the people that live with me. And the people back home...but I have been slacking in being connected with them. I have been busy, very busy but that can never be an excuse because you always have time. It depends on you schedule your time. 

I sit here on a Saturday night with my notes from psych class everywhere. The sun is setting causing the living room to decrease in light. Though once a light is turned on, it is officially night. Saturday has turned into Saturday night. I sit here with my friends on the couch...and my heart becoming jealous because I really don't want to be studying or trying to study. I sit here with weight of the world on my back because I let it happen that way. Consumed by life choices I sit on this wooden chair deciding whether or not I want to keeping acting like this or that. If I want to turn these acts into habits or not. Habits to maybe change my personality a bit. To change me. I'm not sure what life is about to be honest. I know it is to praise and glorify God but in what for me personally? What is becoming my purpose here and how do I want to approach it...how do I want to be? 

This is why I love psychology...I like learning about the inner parts of me and the inner parts of the people I encounter with. I hate being in school, in classes that pertain to my major...but they do to others. I hate being in school because I'm not out in the world...I'm in a classroom feeling like I am suffocating. Dramatic, maybe. 

Whoever you are...reading this...don't stop getting to know yourself. Getting to know why you do certain things a certain way that might not be like everyone else. In fact I challenge you to. Because you are the only fascinating person you will ever meet. Narcissistic it sounds but there won't be a day that doesn't go by where you won't surprise yourself.