thanks miche

so this will be short

I like someone. I have for a long time.

My friend took the leap of telling her crush...and even though it didnt end up how she wanted...she came out content. I admire her for that.

I'm going to do the same.

good thing he doesn't read this...well at least I don't think he does.

I am regaining myself

I come here now...I believe that only a select few ever look at my blog.

I shall be more real...not only are these words but these are words that turn into a formation...a formation that depicts me.

My head seems to not be racing like it did.
thoughts are going all at once
negative thoughts aren't streaming in and out
to point where I lose control
who am I
Who do I call out to?
And who WHO saves me?
My mind balanced now...set at this balanced pace
I am not rushing to place to place...from anxiety
I am not on the move...
calm
I am calm

Months have been hell for me. I have felt so alone and so abandoned...I have been sad most of my later life. There seemed to be an ongoing of events that would never stop. I kept being it with yet another problem and a huge problem. Whether it be family or friends...or something I did that was wrong. the world seemed to be spinning fast and it was spinning with me around while my grip got looser and looser...
I cried in the shower a lot...last semester and this one...there no one heard me and I couldn't feel the tears.

I got help. I am balanced. I can think about things and deal with them. I can attack a situation and deal with it. I am present.
I am regaining myself

Whoever is praying for me out there is really coming through.

Contentment...
Life would be a lot better if we all had that power to be content about anything. When I first got to school I felt all the problems I would have to face during this school year. It was like when you get into the ocean and you know there are going to be waves. The thing is you turn your head towards shore because something just seems so interesting on shore. Once you turn your head back to the direction of the waves, they hit you in the face. Knocking you to your feet, you are perpelxed that at the exact moment you turn your head, you get hit by a big wave. That is what it felt like coming back to school. My head was turned to the shore the entire summer. I forgot about what was waiting for me on the other side. I'm standing in the waters of life. There is smootth sand on the feet but occasionally there is that rock that you step on or that hole you walk into. The water is warm and comforting. Some waves are small and doable while others are huge and problematic. If you aren't ready for the wave it will destroy you. Some days the waves are bigger than the other days. There are seasons of just plain flatness. Right now I keep looking back at home and seeing all the good. When I keep my focus on home, I keep getting smashed with waves.
Home provided limited problems but it also provided limited growth. I know here that I will be stretched thin. Here I will be used in a entirely different way. Back home I made friendships with people that were like me. We almost dress the same...listen to the same music...see God the same...smoke some tobacco pipe once in awhile...back home I see smooth warm sand with a towel and arizona ice. Here I see mounds of waves crashing.
I found this verse during the summer

Proverbs 16

¹ To man belong the plans of the heart,
but from the LORD comes the reply of the tongue.

² All a man's ways seem innocent to him,
but motives are weighed by the LORD.

³ Commit to the LORD whatever you do,
and your plans will succeed.

⁴ The LORD works out everything for his own ends—
even the wicked for a day of disaster.

I did a devotional on this during my Mexico trip..it was weird how I did it. If you know me really well, you would know that I usually plan out what I have to say in my head...almost about anything that will have good or bad ending situations. The big stuff. I usually write down a few things and I don't say anything that I didn't write down. This devotional I did, I prepared for a minute then went sleep. The next morning I gave it and I taught myself.

God 100% spoke through me. No doubt about that. He knew that someone needed to hear this verse and I was going to be his vessel.

Once we rely on God, His plans develop into ours. Trust, obey, and be content. Trust in is power. Believe He is all loving.

I'm having a hard time getting back in the swing of things but I'm safe to say...I'm getting there. Whoever is praying for me out there is really coming through.

just art

I'm baffled. I am sure most of you have been through this. I just noticed that I have no idea where God's leading me. I thought it was here but now its there or here. Bitter? you got it. When I came home from Mexico, things were a bit different but all of a sudden I felt at home. Friends were present...a job in my hands...and weather to die for.
So what do I do when all my home friends are starting school right when I leave? I do art. I seem to always do hard when life is shitty or write. And right now on my mind is art. NO PACKING just art.

How is God teaching me...wait me?!?!?!

Last night I performed a spoken word that was on sex and love. I had an amazing time doing it even though my nerves where sometimes getting the best of me. As I was approaching the time to leave, people would stop me and just tell me how great I did. To be honest I hate glorifying myself. I love love to be heard and listen to but the part when people congratulate me, is when I start dreading. I just get uncomfortable. I really didn't understand why I did until the drive home. The words I used in my spoken word and the way I perform it was from God. I look at myself and I think "how the heck could I have done that? How did I do that?"
The past few days have been rough. I seem to hit a spell of depression that is related to numerous things, well two things. My mom being gone really effects things...her being gone is like a cancer in my life. Cancer doesn't just affect one organ and that is it, it affects everything. It is going to be 3 yrs in October and I am still thinking that mourning is going to be over. Last night after the sermon and after I spoke they played a video about the man who wrote How He Loves Us, the song David Crowder sings. This man wrote about his struggle and anger towards God...then about how much God really loves us. His struggle was his close friend dying. There was a section in the video that he was looking at old songs he wrote around the time his friend died, he started crying with passion. His friend died 7 yrs ago...
I'm not accepting the fact that my mourning and grief will be with me till the day I die and the grief will always be intense, not often but still intense.
With all this inside me I realized other factors in my life that needed work done. I have the hardest time trusting people. I do not think trust is black and white. You can fully trust someone or you can trust someone with small stuff and not the huge things. Having a lot of tragic in my life, I have realized that if you just put out your story on people, they stop asking for more. It isn't often when you come across someone whose mom died and is in the same area as grief as you are. For the people who haven't been through this, its easy for them to hear a bit and be satisfied that you are telling them the whole bundle of crap in your life. If you really knew me, you would know that I have talent to manipulate people. In having that skill it has also allowed me to really put this mask over my true self. When something is really wrong I can hide it like having candy the day after Halloween. In reality I want people to know...so without giving in, I leave a trail of bread crumbs for people to sniff out and I wait for the bold to ask me a question about how I am doing. Or I do a complete opposite and make a diversion. I'll be mean to them which leads them to being pushed away and then I don't have to worry about opening up anytime soon. Oh boy but how God built this eternal foundation of morality in us. The chunk of me that has goodness built in me, speaks up and I ask for forgiveness.

God has been placing huge ideas, thoughts, lessons, and love on my heart in the pass weeks. I know now that he is preparing me for something grand. Maybe its my missions trip next week or maybe its something bigger than I will ever conceive. How is God teaching you? Have you ever just sat down and thought about that??? It really helps when you are going through something rough.

direction of my calling and not look back

I haven't blogged in a long time and I just thought it would be a good idea to just write a little. The past two months since I have written have been insane. So much has gone on that I think God has planned a life for me of chaos. Nothing is still until I become still in God. My family is having the usually problems it faces and some others. Friends are here and then go. I never thought it would be like that. I never thought they would change so much that we can't even see each other. I'm I that much different? It amazes me how people say change isn't alive but dead as George Washington. I have seen change in so many people's personalities that it scares me about myself.
The things that I get involved in have changed too. I used to get involved with insane parties but not I am going to Mexico for two weeks on a missions trip. I did a spoken word in front of 200 something people. Some times I just don't get it. I do not understand this God who can let tragic happen but then again He blesses us like no other. How am I here living in America where we throw away food because theres too much. How am I here where Hispanics are fighting for their lives to live here. I have started to get Anti-American. Some people here do not get it and others get it right away. My country has freedom of speech which leads to anything to be said. This "freedom" has led us into this twisted world. Our country has so many people who suffer from a mental disorder than these third world countries. We have more serial killers then other countries. We struggle with this concept of freedom. I read this book awhile back, I can't place my finger on what it is called. The author talked about how we need laws to have the right freedom. God gives us laws, the moral law, the golden rule, and some others. Laws are like bones in our body. They are hard and sturdy...they also serve an important function, they keep us moving and in motion. Without the solid bones we would be like silly puddy.
I am thankful for where I live. But too many of us take advantage of where we live. I cannot stand living somewhere where we eat so much processed foods. Our food bill is sky high while some families of four in another country live on $1.25 of groceries for a week. When you watch a tribe in a third world country on TV, count how many over weight people there are. I know I do not have this perfect life, where I am not buy new clothes or expensive food that I do not need. I'm trying not to. There is just so much we can do, but don't do it. God has placed this compassion and passion on my heart for a reason. I'm going to go in the direction of my calling and not look back.

Coffee with mom

though the day marked another day of this, I was still.
Everyday I wake up and think of you
the impression that was left on my life
Everyday I wake up with thoughts I cannot rest
The pictures around my bed comfort
the smell of your perfume transform,
my bed into home.
My clothes lay everywhere
I even become one who sleeps with them
on my bed
Echoing in my head is your soft voice
telling me to clean.
I think you would be impressed
the way I am now
He wants to talk to me tonight
I'm scared and nervous
I want to call you for advice
your rings stay with me
never leaving my hands
I concentrate on them sometimes
loving them
because they were on your hands once
I ran away from God the other day
but he found me so do not worry
Abba, says he sees you everyday
I find comfort in that
The thoughts came back the other day
I was terrified it might happen again
depression sank in and lodged
there was this quote I found...
depression is normal
its a human thing
Last night I had a thought to call you
then I remembered.
I think you would enjoy my new friends.
Amanda is hyper but her heart is pure
Rashelle and you would talk for hours
Christine is unique but you would make her feel at home
Daniela is strong and you would love to listen to her
One of your favorite songs came on the other day
I thought about you
the one day in the car when you pick us up
from school
You talked about the song as if you
knew the artist personally.
I miss days when I wasn't a teenager
and you were still alive
best days yet
I haven't cried in a long time
although every time Grey's
has a woman with cancer...I tear up.
no one notices
I cannot wait for summer
remember when we went swimming
all the time.
I enjoyed that.
my life is calling me back
homework and lunch are at the door
knocking loud
I do not want to be late
but this was good
I enjoyed this.
bye

sorrow, oh boy joy

I have been taught a lot in the past month. I was going through this funk so to speak and just pushing it to the side. God dug it out and really showed me a thing or two.

I am flawed. I am broken and sometimes severely confused. I am made in God's image. I am a part of creation and therefore I am good but sin has corrupted me. Only through the Holy Spirit and my faith can I reach what humanity intended to be.

I will mess up. I will make mistakes. I will learn. I am learning. I have grown so much. I am a completely different person than I was before I left for college. College has changed me into this kinda person that I do not even know. I love it. I am enjoying it. There are times when I want to cry and dwell in my sorrow but in the end of it I come out alive. I don't call the first person I can think of, instead I call upon the Lord of Lords.

When I give, when I cannot give anymore, I help. I show faith and hope. God uses me as catalyst for those who can't see the light.

I used to think that I should stop complaining...that if I stopped complaining, it would stop a lot of my problems. That wasn't even the root of my problems. The roots of my problems dug in deeper than I thought.

When I think I am alone, God shows through.

This is the fight

Some days I feel like escaping everything. Putting myself in solitude from everyone else. My thoughts almost feel penetrated and I cannot escape it. Every word I speak gets twisted around into something far from the truth. No one understands me and it is as if I am made into this bad guy. I suffocate. My breath is shortened and I cannot feel my pulse. My rhythm is lost and I start going down this speeding spiral.

When I gain back my pulse, it is when I pray to God.

Today I feel like that but in a more intense way. Nothing seems real. I feel like I am in this dream like world and the only good thing it is producing is my head ache....telling me that I am still alive. It is the day where I keep fighting for air but I'm not getting it. I'm not sure at all if other people ever get this. Most likely not. Most likely I am the only average person that feels this. My throat is actually getting suffocated.

rest...

rest...

I need rest.

And I find rest in the Lord. I know what I should do. I know the right ways. It's just actually doing it and giving it up to God. Letting go of it all. Letting my mind stop thinking and producing thoughts that are trapping me. I'm not perfect but I am not useless either. This is the fight.

searching for that thing

I do not even now where to begin. I do not know where to start or finish. I'm confused and almost numb. Being away from home is a lot harder then I thought it was going to be. At home I started to have firm friends and a place that I could call my own. I was familiar with everything and didn't need directions to anywhere. I even had a car and did not have to rely on a friend. At college stuff is just now becoming familiar...I still do not have a car. I still need directions once I get 5-10 miles away from Calvin. I am making this my home or at least trying to. I'm squirming....

I have been going to this group for women that have lost their moms in some way. I have only gone twice out of the three times. The first time was hard afterwards and the second time didn't have it's effect on me until now. When I say effect I mean all the negative stuff. I relive all the feelings and then grow some new ones. I fear the years to come and what my mom will miss. This is just the start. I think I am searching again. I'm not sure if it is for more or in a new direction. I am searching in my faith. I have been in this spot of my faith for awhile now and I am starting to get restless. I am wanting. I have noticed whenever I am searching I can see God but I can also see the devil at play, taunting me.

I can't write any more.

face face book book

I'm a plan addict. Facebook has literally taken over my life. Whenever I go on a computer that is one of the first places I go. I go on even if I do not have notifications. why the heck do I do that? Because I'm bored? well maybe so but that boredom can be filled with Jesus time that I do not regularly have anymore. This thought makes me sick to my stomach. I have seen God present in a lot of weird places lately and this thing called lent is giving me another chance. I want to be closer to God so giving up facebook will help me. I used to think lent was an opportunity to feel pain and suffering but it isn't. Half the battle might be painful but the end product is just amazing....

I do not want to be chained by facebook, I want to be chained to God and all His glory. I want to swim in His love. Facebook is not going to be a part of my life for 40 days and truth be....I am so excited to not be bonded to it. I actually feel like I am enslaved by facebook...haha

understanding the WHY questions

As I get older God seems to be more alive than He was when I was younger. There are more chaotic things that I am involved in but they only make my faith stronger. I wonder and ask why my mom had to have cancer and pass away. Then I presume to ask why it had to happen to me. Those questions then come to questions like why did I end up at Calvin College with the people I am with on a daily basis. Why I lost one of my closest friends due to some piled up fights and bad situations. When chaotic questions fill my mind and I am lost at words, God shows me why. I have lost a lot in my life, or so it seems, but I have been a blessing to a lot of lives. I do not want to sound conceited but it's true. My friend recently found some horrible news about her mom and sadly its close to the same story of my mom. I have a gift. I have the gift to give my friend empathy instead of sympathy. I have a gift to understand the pain that not only hurts you emotionally but stabs your heart. I have the chance to be strong for someone who is finding it hard to be strong. I understand what my purpose is at Calvin for the time being. I understand why I lost a friend. God doesn't put screwed up situations in your life just to mess you up on this journey but to make you stronger....sin corrupts but God uses this corruption for good. He creates good. He produces good. He created love. He installs love in us. I am becoming a passionate person. I am learning how to love everyone. I am growing up. Growing out of the silly girl but into this person that God created me to be.

weekend from hell

Week from hell.

45 minutes away from brother's house and I am sitting in the driver's sit of 1988 buick. I see the toll both ahead and come to stop right behind another crappy car. As the car moves on their journey I press on the gas only to find that the car stalled. Ok ok I can do this just turn the car back on and everything will be fine. I reach for the keys as I am telling my friends that the car isn't moving. It turns on! So I press the gas...useless. The car will not go into gear. I am ten feet away from the toll booth when I lady pulls up right beside me and says "You know there is only one lane here." I look at her with a smirk and tell her, well lady my car isn't working. As we struggle in deciding what to do the owner of the car, Amanda, takes wheel, thinking that she can do something about it. Of course nothing works. With our struggling faces on, a man that works in the booth comes over and starts to push us to the shoulder. First of the man has the most crazy ways of telling Amanda which way to go. His hands are flying and everywhere and in the chaos amanda backs into the concrete wall. The guy comes over to our window and with chaos and all he begins to tell us to get out and go inside the little tollbooth building. We get in and he tells us he called a toe truck but the cost will be 150 dollars plus 3 dollars a mile. I cannot begin to describe what was going in my head. My brother had to wake up at 4:30am for work and it was 11:30 at night. so I called him and gave him the news. After that a patrol officer came in saying we had 2 hours to get the car off the road while the toe truck driver tells us to call someone else who is cheaper. Meanwhile we have no idea what is actually wrong with the car and no one will help us get the hood up. The useless help leave to leave us with the problem and as they do I look behind me to see a flyer on the wall...WANTED HOMICIDE. Wow in the middle of nowhere and there is a killer on the loose. Amanda and my friend Christine go back to the car to pop the hood...the car oil is dry as a bone. Finally my brother comes to get us and we decide that we are going to push the car through the toll and to the parking lot. But before we do the toll booth guy tells us that we have to pay the toll as well. Alright so we get change out and try to push....the car is stuck in a little trench. Great well then we called a toe truck for 80 dollars. We get home at 4 in the morning. I wake up an hour later to drop of Christine at the train station since her other train leaves at 7 in chicago....

The next day Amanda, Daniela, and I try to figure out how the heck we are going to get home when I find our that my friend's mom is in the hospital with something very serious. We figured out our plans and also decide to take a train into chicago the next day for a day of shopping. We get a ride to the station and realize we forgot to get tickets online....luckily we can buy them on the train. We to chicago...next thing to do is to buy tickets for the way back...of course the ticket booth is closed for 15 minutes. Everything is great but oh did I mention that Daniela left her wallet in Christine's purse but christine is in Missouri. The day is almost over and we decide to walk back to the train station because none of us have any cash left. We are 15 minutes late to the train. The next one leaves in a half hour.....We finally get on and get to our stop. As we come to the door the door shuts and the train moves on to the next station.......

My brother picks us up in another city.....

Although the week was certainly from hell and every day was filled with a bit of excitement, I learned some good lessons.

1. never drive a car that is older than you on a three hour drive

2. be 15 minutes early to any public transportation

3. when the conductor says your stop is approaching get up and go to the door

4. when the weather channel says its 14 degrees but feels like -1, they are telling the truth

5. family is amazing

6. once your in college, you are bad luck

7. praying is the best thing to do

Don't Mold me Media

Looking through the magazines I see pictures of the famous in their famous clothes. On top of the picture the words That's Hot, Not, or Hot labels them. My fingers trace the font and I cannot understand who as they right to decide what I wear. Why do the magazines try to shape us into what they want so they can keep on making money? I am in aw. Who I'm i dressing for?Either I am impressing someone or I am making myself feel better by the clothes I wear. I'm not a doll to dress up for anyone. I like my clothes and my "style". I don't dress for anybody but I do keep my style "under control" for God. I started to move from The People magazine to the tattoo magazine. My eyes shifted from page to page. Some of the colors were incredible and breath taking while others made it possible for me to just look for half a second. People covered themselves with these pieces of art for what? I have no idea and a part of me doesn't really care. But then I see a girl posing and showing off her sleeve tattoo, the classic joker from Batman. I laugh. I really just laugh because why in the world would you want to put that on your beautiful skin when its beautiful already? A lot of people know that I want a tattoo. My reasons are good I think. It's not out of rebellion or out of my way to show myself off but because I want to. I want to show off God. My tattoo is going to be on the side of my abdomen. The words...Unconditional Love...written in cursive or maybe in my mom's handwriting. I have had this idea in my head since Sophomore year of high school. I'm not going impress anyone. I'm not going post it all over my facebook when I get it. I am not going to take pictures of it and then post it on facebook. The words are natural and are already imprinted in me, it's just that you cannot visually see it. I am unconditionally loved by Abba, my God. The amazing thing is, so is everybody else. I want it to be a conversation starter. I want it to remind me that I need to be a christian on the outside too. I'm not going to be a poser in a magazine, letting other people dress me and then getting judged if I'm hot or not. I am me. I am Brenna. The tattoo is already there, you just can't see it yet. This is me. I will only let God mold me.

Leaving High School Behind...You're in College

Here I am finally sitting down to write again. It is January 11 and I do not understand how this time has gone by so fast. I feel like I was just sitting in my room thanking the Lord for Christmas break. Some know what happened during my break and others don't. I seem to face the imaginable when ever I start to change or I change my location. I'm trying my best now to react calmly about the situations at hand and try to handle them with God. Lately I have been finding a new me. Coming here, Calvin, has changed me. I am not the same at all. My art that I create has changed....some weird mature twist is added onto it. I come to calvin and I sit on the "weird" side of the dining hall because I am sick of being judged by people my age. I am now used to having friends that are older than me because we relate better. Now the so called freshman seem to irritate me. They were once perfect in High school and now they come here and party their brains out. I sit in my classes and actually enjoy the books they give us to read but I hear the freshman complain about it. Readers, I know I am a freshman too...don't get me wrong. I am tired of girl fights and boys who take complete advantage of my friends. I'm tired of walking on egg shells around people I do not click very well with. I'm sick of people not being open minded to the other's culture. I'm tired of shit-faced kids not taking advantage of the school they are attending. To be honest sometimes I feel like my friends think I am that immature person. I am just like the rest. I hate that. I hate the all the pretty faces, the ones who say that this year they will not drink any soda for their new years resolution. Why can't it be about prayer, or being nicer, or opening up, or supporting a starving kid for once, or giving your all. This blog is most likely an angry one but I'm tired of this world. We say we are all christians at this school called Calvin but when I sit on the "cool" side of the dining hall I feel everyone's eyes on me and my friends. I feel judged. When I sit on the "weird" side I see people who don't care. Some I can tell are christians and others have just lived life....they were their plaid and band T-shirts without a care of what the pretty people think. I'm not a pretty person. I do not spend hours on my hair. Making sure that I apply my "face" each morning. I do not pretend to be nice. I do not act like I am better than you. I have my bad habits I have my pit falls. But you're in college now, it's time to grow up. High School is called High School and college is called college for a reason. I'm done playing games.