searching for that thing

I do not even now where to begin. I do not know where to start or finish. I'm confused and almost numb. Being away from home is a lot harder then I thought it was going to be. At home I started to have firm friends and a place that I could call my own. I was familiar with everything and didn't need directions to anywhere. I even had a car and did not have to rely on a friend. At college stuff is just now becoming familiar...I still do not have a car. I still need directions once I get 5-10 miles away from Calvin. I am making this my home or at least trying to. I'm squirming....

I have been going to this group for women that have lost their moms in some way. I have only gone twice out of the three times. The first time was hard afterwards and the second time didn't have it's effect on me until now. When I say effect I mean all the negative stuff. I relive all the feelings and then grow some new ones. I fear the years to come and what my mom will miss. This is just the start. I think I am searching again. I'm not sure if it is for more or in a new direction. I am searching in my faith. I have been in this spot of my faith for awhile now and I am starting to get restless. I am wanting. I have noticed whenever I am searching I can see God but I can also see the devil at play, taunting me.

I can't write any more.