Last night I performed a spoken word that was on sex and love. I had an amazing time doing it even though my nerves where sometimes getting the best of me. As I was approaching the time to leave, people would stop me and just tell me how great I did. To be honest I hate glorifying myself. I love love to be heard and listen to but the part when people congratulate me, is when I start dreading. I just get uncomfortable. I really didn't understand why I did until the drive home. The words I used in my spoken word and the way I perform it was from God. I look at myself and I think "how the heck could I have done that? How did I do that?"
The past few days have been rough. I seem to hit a spell of depression that is related to numerous things, well two things. My mom being gone really effects things...her being gone is like a cancer in my life. Cancer doesn't just affect one organ and that is it, it affects everything. It is going to be 3 yrs in October and I am still thinking that mourning is going to be over. Last night after the sermon and after I spoke they played a video about the man who wrote How He Loves Us, the song David Crowder sings. This man wrote about his struggle and anger towards God...then about how much God really loves us. His struggle was his close friend dying. There was a section in the video that he was looking at old songs he wrote around the time his friend died, he started crying with passion. His friend died 7 yrs ago...
I'm not accepting the fact that my mourning and grief will be with me till the day I die and the grief will always be intense, not often but still intense.
With all this inside me I realized other factors in my life that needed work done. I have the hardest time trusting people. I do not think trust is black and white. You can fully trust someone or you can trust someone with small stuff and not the huge things. Having a lot of tragic in my life, I have realized that if you just put out your story on people, they stop asking for more. It isn't often when you come across someone whose mom died and is in the same area as grief as you are. For the people who haven't been through this, its easy for them to hear a bit and be satisfied that you are telling them the whole bundle of crap in your life. If you really knew me, you would know that I have talent to manipulate people. In having that skill it has also allowed me to really put this mask over my true self. When something is really wrong I can hide it like having candy the day after Halloween. In reality I want people to know...so without giving in, I leave a trail of bread crumbs for people to sniff out and I wait for the bold to ask me a question about how I am doing. Or I do a complete opposite and make a diversion. I'll be mean to them which leads them to being pushed away and then I don't have to worry about opening up anytime soon. Oh boy but how God built this eternal foundation of morality in us. The chunk of me that has goodness built in me, speaks up and I ask for forgiveness.
God has been placing huge ideas, thoughts, lessons, and love on my heart in the pass weeks. I know now that he is preparing me for something grand. Maybe its my missions trip next week or maybe its something bigger than I will ever conceive. How is God teaching you? Have you ever just sat down and thought about that??? It really helps when you are going through something rough.
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