What happene to being focused?

What do we call the last two weeks of school right before Christmas break? The week before finals...where it is impossible to get up for class. You come to the library to study and you cannot help but look out the window into a complete trance. No real thoughts enter your mind...just wonders. The snow falls at radical speeds. It moves in ways that show how the wind dances with it. When step out the snow only plunges at your face in reaction to you disrupting the dance with the wind. Your homework lays at your feet or in you backpack untouched. Distraction is at play. Whispers of home tempt you to cry. So gazing at the snowy performance distracts you. Friends are around trying to convey that they too are doing homework. But they cannot fool you...
Music buzzing in your ears drowning out every one else that seems to be working in the library. What happened to be focused? The music you choose is either poetic where you have to listen to the words or where it makes you want to dance. I try to stay focus but here I am sitting right in front of the window while writing a blog. My music speaks to me silently with poetic words that I cannot keep from listening to. My tummy rumbles and I can't think of anything else but food and my plane ride home. The last two weeks of school are most likely the toughest weeks I will face in my college career. My friends are all ready to take that plane ride home. I am completely lost in my thoughts and homework has stopped trying to get my attention.

Save Me Abba

my heart does not know the correct beat on which to pump the blood through out my body. I have forgotten how to direct it or even how to make suggestions. What made the void will never return. Nothing like it will take it's place. Something greater must be done. Speechless I am left to everyone. With this weight on my back, my knees buckle to the floor. My strength is not enough. It will never be enough. The day that I finally let myself stop trying to be in control will be the day where I am finally me again. My heart screams for help while my mind scurries around to find tactics to solve my heart's problem on it's own. I am lost at words. No manuals help me here. No words of advice are given to fill the cup. This task is on me. I know of what acquires of me. The simple words of "here I am simply as I am...I give myself to You" is THE hardest thing to do. My heart does not leak, it gushes. I am filled with anger. I am filled with pain. I am pathetic. I am wretched. I know my disease. I am my disease. A disease cannot cure itself. A disease is a disease. Sometimes I wonder if my mom did not die, would it be easier to rely on God? Or in fact would it be harder?

Where have I gone. I came to a place knowing my story, knowing my name, knowing who I was, knowing where I came from, knowing how to call for help...This place as left me knowing nothing. Who am I?

I am on the path of adding more to me. I thought I settled to a place where I knew but I only settled to a place knowing not even half of me. Save me Abba.

I AM BACK

When it happened I felt destruction. I felt an overwhelming feeling that wasn't going to leave any time soon. I was left alone in the desert. Months later I felt liberated. I am free. I am free. I do not have to prove myself anymore. I am allowed to fail time and time again without being looked at like an unworthy person. I am allowed to be in a funk without being looked at as someone who is immature. I am allowed to be me. I do not have to impress anymore. I am me. I am not bowing down to my idol no more. I am me. My lungs take deep breaths in and out finally. No more suffocation for my throat and lungs. No rope tied around my arms and no tape around my mouth. I am not a figure to be controlled. I have a will, a free-will. I will fly and I am flying again. No one can bound me like that again expect for myself. The chains are gone and I am set free. I saw it at first as a complete heart splitting event but now I view this as a complete liberation. My God My God here am I. I am yours. I am here to do your will. I am here to be in prayer for myself and others. I am ever thankful for your creation that gives you praise and adoration. I bow down. I bow down. I bow down in complete silence. My tears fall. My tears fall not for the hurt and pain but for my joy, hope, and love that I receive from you. I fish for help...but what I do not realise is that you are and were always there to begin with. I am surrounded by your presence. I am not my own but I am yours. My Lord, I let you romance me. You the creator of love. You are the one who invented love. Why am I so reluctant to let you show your love notes to me. I was gone. I left your house. But my God I am back. I AM BACK.

I love Him

I have been away from home for 3 months next week. I can't believe my ears when I think about it or even say it out loud. Some know the first reason why I chose Calvin and others don't. The reason was at the time of getting accepted I was in a funk, a pit. School was horrible. Friends at school were distant towards me since I shut down after my Mom's death. Life at home wasn't any better. I wanted to get away to get out of Escondido and live. To breath fresh air. So I made the choice to go. By the end of senior year I finally reached normal. I finally found those friends who stood by me even if I shut them out. I felt the air in my lungs, my lungs expanded to their fullest. My face had I smile. Of course I still hit some road blocks but my faith was strong and I felt invisible. At that moment I didn't want to leave. I found life and I was then going to leave life. I found contentment. I found my strength. God was seeking me and still is but I was seeking Him.

I left for college. I had no idea what to expect. First few weeks were crazy with homework and new faces. Everyone was a new face. Has I started to make friends and make my life here I think I forgot to something with me. Something beyond important. I forgot to pack God in my equation. What was...what am I thinking? God is my hope for tomorrow. He is the glue in my heart and mind. He is the one who brings me peace and joy when I am in sorrow. He is always there no matter where I put him. Now just putting that into action instead of thought is were I am at.

This is something new for me because I have no lost my faith or haven't lost God. I lost myself. Now it is time to get to know God even deeper for me to begin to know myself again. I'm weary but I have faith and I trust in God that I will be filled with joy.

I love Him

Wrinkles and Age-Spots

I love Tuesdays right when 2:45 gets hit by the hands on the clock. Two things happen; my boring class ends and I get to see all the elderly people walk through the halls of the Hiemenga Hall building. I do not know exactly why they are there on Tuesdays but I have a little hunch. I think they all take classes or workshops or seminars of some kind. When the clock hits 2:45pm I walk up the stairs to first floor since my class is the basement and I go directly to the restroom. I always have to go to the bathroom after that class...haha. On my walk there all of the elderly talk about the lecture they went to while holding a folder in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other. That hallway that has the restroom and coffee/cookie bar smells of Grandma's, Grandpa's, old friends, and black coffee with sugar. I never miss the chance to look at their faces or the clothes they were. I love to see who they are even though I can only tell on the outside. How old are they really? What have they seen that I haven't yet? What do we have in common? Are those wrinkles a gift from stress or the bright sun in the summer? Which ones lost their wife or husband? I wonder what their stories are, the battles they fought. As I get out of my class of learning so do they. I'm captivated by them. I know they have stories of defeat and love. I know they once were something so grand. I know they had to achieve something. But maybe not. Maybe their stories are thin. I'm not sure. I am curious to find out what defeats I will face and what love I will feel. I am in complete Aw that I one day will be walking around in my old age passing the younger crowd. They will look at me and see all my wrinkles and age-spots. I will be not under a microscope like I am now to my peers but I will be put on a pedestal for a split second in the mind of the younger ones. If that is the future I cannot sit here and complain about life. I cannot sit still when adventure is at my hands. I cannot be dull or angry at things that don't matter next week. When I am old I better have a story that backs up my wrinkles and age-spots.

I am loved by God

We tread for weeks and sometimes months at a time for this one event that happens on one day out of the entire year. Our mind and brain play into action together to take this event and imprint it in our identity. The imprint on ourselves can be anything from extremely happy/joyful to extremely horrible memory. I'm taking back to the anxiety that I cause myself on a daily basis in the month of October. I am not sure when the intensity of these anxiety levels will decrease but I know they will be there each and every year of my life. Now of course my imprint on my life is on the horrible side and thats why I present myself repeatedly with anxiety. This entire month I thought about my mom twice as much as I do on a regular day. My mind was absorbed by thought of her whether it was a good memory or a terrible one. But also in this month I became very vulnerable. I told people why I was going to Chicago for the halloween weekend and why I have been going to counseling now. I must say in college people are more accepting to what I said than people I knew since kindergarden. They became vulnerable with me instead of being taken off guard. Halloween is not a day for me to dress up and present myself as a hoe or an excuse to get scared, halloween is a day for me to be in utter respect for my mom. Today I am not sure why I felt this impulse to write a blog about this on this day but I am sure that if I do this it will help me heal all over again. See, my mom's anniversary of her death is like ripping a band aid off a wound that is ready to be exposed to the fresh and full of bacteria air. Its been exactly two years since she passed and I can still feel her embrace. I can still smell her fragrance. I can still see her body almost lifeless on the bed but still being my caring mom who rarely showed FEAR and the thought of defeat on her face. I was mothered by a woman who would not only fight cancer but fight for my life and every need that I had to be fulfilled. I am loved by God.

tat me now please

What is it about music? What gets us to the extreme to stand up and raise our hands? That feeling that goes from your heart to your hands to your feet. When sitting is not enough. The body you were given needs to move. It wants to move. The feeling of almost being overwhelmed but not just yet. When you want to escape and you can just by raising your hands up in glory and honor. How can I describe that sensation that surges through your bones and veins. I can't do it. I can't describe the feeling I have where I feel as if I am touching God. He is physically grabbing all of me and saying its ok my daughter I love you. I love you unconditionally. I saw my mom have that feeling inside her even though she wasn't in church worshiping God. I saw her worship through all her actions displayed. I saw the unconditional love had on her. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!! UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!! I want that. I have that given to me every day, every minute, every split second I am given here on earth and that love will continue in heaven. And that is why I want unconditional love written on me permanently on my body until I die. This isn't to remind me because I get reminded of it every day, every minute, every split second I am given here on earth. I want it to remind others. I want others to ask me. This isn't my way of getting out of formal evangelism but this only one to evangelize.

MISS THEM

I miss. I miss what? her, him, that experience, that thought, that weather.

I hate the longing feeling. The pull on your heart when you think about something you do not have with you at that moment. Does that feeling make you weaker? Or does it show you that you appreciate whatever you do not have? I'm honestly not sure if that is a symbol of weakness or just plain love. face it we tend to get dependent on people or things far too often.

A little side note because i really dont want to lose this thought.
When we address someone who is a female and isnt married we direct them with Miss. Miss originated from the 17th century so this is old stuff here. When a girl gets married its changed to Mrs. with a period. Now think of this concept. When the girl is unmarried she is Missing a husband. But once she does marry it is replaced with r...
Mr + Miss = Mrs.
We long for our other half so much it shows in culture!
Anyways
Who do you miss and why? Is someone in your life across the country? Are they dead? what is it? Rather missing them maybe you should direct your attention to the ppl already in your life. Are you appreciating them? loving them?

I constantly long/miss two people in my life. One has pasted and is far away. And the other is alive, in my city, and is with me most of the time. You see you can never get rid of the longing feeling its always there no matter where the person is. You might see them every single day and you can still miss them......

Or do you long for them enough that you know you can spend the rest of your life with them. Is that a longing? yes I think so. But is it the beginning of missing them? You know that once they leave you will miss them no matter what.

I wrote this a year ago. I am at that point again in my life. I am far far away from the people who know me. Its an incredible thought to think about. The feeling of Miss is a product of love. I love you therefore I miss you. I miss the way you feel. I miss the way you talk. I miss your flaws. I miss you. Missing isnt a bad thing. It shows you who you love. I'll be honest i miss some of my friends more than my other friends. I miss my family differently than I miss my friends because I know that my family will always be apart of me. They share my blood. With friends there is always a possibility that they can drift apart. Two different kinds of missing. I miss qualities in my friends that would be so useful if they were here with me. I miss their perks and their quirks. The thing that gets me almost every time is; If he or she were here right now they would just die! Mom would know exactly what to say here. I need to send them a picture of this now!

The longing hurts but friends really that longing just means that you love some one. You care endlessly about them. MISS THEM. you know you love them

Digging or Standing?

For the first time I'm not that nervous. In a week or so I start school in a new state. I will be somewhere where I know no one. I have no one to run to just yet. i'm not nervous. I am not thinking about the "ifs". my mind is at peace. I'm relaxed and my face isn't breaking out like normal. For the first time I'm not freaking out about life. I am officially at ease. God is a wonderful god. I'm about get into something where i have to make decision after decision. These decisions will affect after college ends. I know that my attitude might change a bit when i am faced with things face to face but right now I will soak in this attitude as long as I can. Most of you who know me know that I do not have this attitude. I tend to be a complainer and freak out about the big things. i'm know to be a very laid-back person but if you really know me you would know that I can be very opposite of that. Life has thrown curve ball after curve at me and I have reacted slightly the same every time but with a twist of a new reaction. I have learned that shutting down isn't the right thing to do. I have learned that complaining about it never helps. I have learned acting like it never happened does not work at all, especially in the long run. I have learned that talking directly to God and no one else is the best method. Asking God what to do then mediating THEN getting it out of my system and talking to someone is the best method. Keeping a solid and steady relationship with God provides smooth sailing. I have learned a lot this summer. For the past years God has taught me lessons and this summer He tested me. I think I pasted with an 83%. Which I think is pretty good. In my room there is this poster that i made that lists all the the lessons I have learned from the past 2 years. I left it at home. I left the past behind me to learn new lessons and build on the old ones. Life is good when you accept the responsibilities in life. Life is good when you accept the lessons that are taught. Digging your heels in will only have your heels in the dirt. Standing tall with your hand in God's hand will allow you to run with only dirt on your feet instead of dirt all over your body.
the end

I kneel for the first time in months

heavy on my heart. the blood pumps and quiets down then starts again. pain reaching my chest down to my toes. I kneel for the first time in months. absorbing the hard ground in my knees. tears with every word come down deep in my throat. Life hits me. moving with the breeze and flowing gently where ever it decides to go. My body like a feather. My mind doesn't ponder. I am silent. I am here but not here. I fall to the stopping of the wind. My absence is awaken to my mind and heart. No life in me but suddenly a breath jilts me. Stones of problems hit me in the neck, in the side, in the stomach. problems made by me. Stone after stone. Awaken I notice. Awaken I fear. Awaken I am here. With each rock on my skin my words do not form. I cannot write. I cannot speak. The sentence I form to talk with you dies down quickly. The words die and I only try to make new ones. Fast pace. Move me. shock me. awaken me. heavy on my heart I kneel. heavy on my heart listen to me. what my heart speaks makes sense to my me. I break before you. I fall short before you. heavy on my heart listen to me. I love you. Love me. I will fail you. I did fail you. Love me. heavy on my heart the blood pumps through my body. Blood pulsing. forming a beat. listen to me. I fall short before. I am short. I am short. I will never be tall. I can try all I want. I will never be. heavy on my heart O God. Hear my cry. heavy on my heart. I long for the grasp. I long for the linger around my waist. hold me tight. HOLD me tight. give me comfort. give me the needs. i do not want. I do not want. I desire. I crave. I need. heavy on my heart, please hurry. Weakened. I don't understand the fall but every time I understand when I get to the top. Heavy on my heart. heavy...heavy...pumping. keeping me alive. keep me alive. awaken.