my heart does not know the correct beat on which to pump the blood through out my body. I have forgotten how to direct it or even how to make suggestions. What made the void will never return. Nothing like it will take it's place. Something greater must be done. Speechless I am left to everyone. With this weight on my back, my knees buckle to the floor. My strength is not enough. It will never be enough. The day that I finally let myself stop trying to be in control will be the day where I am finally me again. My heart screams for help while my mind scurries around to find tactics to solve my heart's problem on it's own. I am lost at words. No manuals help me here. No words of advice are given to fill the cup. This task is on me. I know of what acquires of me. The simple words of "here I am simply as I am...I give myself to You" is THE hardest thing to do. My heart does not leak, it gushes. I am filled with anger. I am filled with pain. I am pathetic. I am wretched. I know my disease. I am my disease. A disease cannot cure itself. A disease is a disease. Sometimes I wonder if my mom did not die, would it be easier to rely on God? Or in fact would it be harder?
Where have I gone. I came to a place knowing my story, knowing my name, knowing who I was, knowing where I came from, knowing how to call for help...This place as left me knowing nothing. Who am I?
I am on the path of adding more to me. I thought I settled to a place where I knew but I only settled to a place knowing not even half of me. Save me Abba.
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