I kneel for the first time in months

heavy on my heart. the blood pumps and quiets down then starts again. pain reaching my chest down to my toes. I kneel for the first time in months. absorbing the hard ground in my knees. tears with every word come down deep in my throat. Life hits me. moving with the breeze and flowing gently where ever it decides to go. My body like a feather. My mind doesn't ponder. I am silent. I am here but not here. I fall to the stopping of the wind. My absence is awaken to my mind and heart. No life in me but suddenly a breath jilts me. Stones of problems hit me in the neck, in the side, in the stomach. problems made by me. Stone after stone. Awaken I notice. Awaken I fear. Awaken I am here. With each rock on my skin my words do not form. I cannot write. I cannot speak. The sentence I form to talk with you dies down quickly. The words die and I only try to make new ones. Fast pace. Move me. shock me. awaken me. heavy on my heart I kneel. heavy on my heart listen to me. what my heart speaks makes sense to my me. I break before you. I fall short before you. heavy on my heart listen to me. I love you. Love me. I will fail you. I did fail you. Love me. heavy on my heart the blood pumps through my body. Blood pulsing. forming a beat. listen to me. I fall short before. I am short. I am short. I will never be tall. I can try all I want. I will never be. heavy on my heart O God. Hear my cry. heavy on my heart. I long for the grasp. I long for the linger around my waist. hold me tight. HOLD me tight. give me comfort. give me the needs. i do not want. I do not want. I desire. I crave. I need. heavy on my heart, please hurry. Weakened. I don't understand the fall but every time I understand when I get to the top. Heavy on my heart. heavy...heavy...pumping. keeping me alive. keep me alive. awaken.