Trying to make it is what I have to do

Life. I do not think I am good at it. I don't know what being good at it is really. I felt a huge weight on my shoulders today. As I come more into the light and of the darkness of anxiety I see that all I am doing is growing up at the age of 22. However, I have barely achieved all my independence.

Yesterday I figured out my student loans. I have one that I have to pay right away, of course monthly payments. Though the sum is the same as my rent. That sum...I hate it. I hate money. I do not know how to live on a budget because I find myself buying people dinner or gifts. Then when I need something I have get it....aka food, winter gloves, and etc. I don't know. I'm learning to survive in this crazy and harsh world. The land of the grown ups is not where I belong.

Yesterday I found myself giving homeless people a ride to a food kitchen. I don't have the gas for this. Though I did it anyways. They told me they lived in a tent. It has been snowing for days...I had a blanket in the car and offered it to them. Luckily, they didn't accept because I needed the blanket. When I had that thought it kind of made me sick. It's a weird twisted thought.

Yesterday or sometime last night...my license fell out of my wallet and landed somewhere I will never know. It was one of those things when you take your license out then out of pure laziness you put it in your jacket pocket or just some other place than your wallet.

Lets just say I didn't have the most exciting time last night or today when I came to understanding that my license was misplaced.

I don't know how I will pay for rent. I guess I am now a resident of Michigan if I get a new license.

All these things are troubling. My life is chaotic at some points. I don't quite understand this adult world or what it means to be one because I have never felt like one. I do not know how to be sufficient in this type of world. So I go to church and I record the songs in the service. I go home and start making my niece's christmas gift. I start stopping my complaining and just try my best to deal with it. This life is never easy nor do I think it will get any easier. But trying is what matters I suppose. Trying to make it is what I have to do. I try to be better than I was yesterday and maybe something good will come out of it.

Though what I am thankful for is that I am not alone. I have house to live in. I have car even if it is old. I have things to keep me warm. I have love in my heart. I have food in my belly. I have a bed to sleep in. I have work even if it isn't enough I still have work. I have a life to live. And I don't have a cold anymore just winter boogers. I suppose this is life and I work towards no matter how hard it is.

I'm friend dating? Here's my number?

The moment that change enters my life or the taunting knock at the door I get very resistant. Eventually I let the change happen and I work with it. Though it takes me a bit to take it all in. I haven't had a "easy" year in a long time nor do I think I have had one. Though what is a easy year anyways? I am not sure. I have noticed that I am getting comfortable. I'm not pushing myself I suppose.

In the past years of my life they have been dramatically filled with situational events. Healing from my mother's death has been constant and very often intense. I have filed through things of what I thought were important to deal with and then I accepted what life brought at my door to file through. Then ever so often other family affairs started to happen. When they died down it was time to graduate from college. So I can say now I'm pretty content even if things are very different and not too exciting.

Until I realized that I need something. That being an introvert can have consequences if it isn't played right. I'm too selective when it comes to friends. Of course it has done me well in the past and I have met and kept some pretty awesome friendships up but right now I need that random chat over coffee.

You see a lot of my close friends aren't in the area anymore or they are still in California. Or they perhaps are leading very work focused lives. Which isn't bad at all. I'm in a stage of my life now that isn't totally similar with everyone at my age.

I'm friend shopping? I'm friend dating? Here's my number?

If you have ever been in that situation of a new environment or your current environment has evolved into something else...I think you know what I am getting at. I'm not lonely just mostly alone on my days off. It's something I don't hate and I am fine with. However, I've never lived in my comfort zone for too long and its time to spread out and see what can be done.

One thing here. This is weird. This is a weird topic and weird to write about it. Though if I write this blog I want to be transparent. I need to be transparent. There is something enticing for me there when I am able to do that.

I have had it in the past where I have moved back home it was the hardest thing to do...to make new friends. It was hard to fit in and understand where people hang out or the kinds of people. I always long to be accepted like everyone else in my own way. I like to be funny and have people laugh at my corny jokes that don't always make sense. I also find it completely weird when we automatically think its easy to make friends for everyone. Its easy for me sometimes because I tend to put a lot of myself in friendships though I rarely do it because of my personal insecurities. I tend to be less confident and less myself with people I don't know. What can I say putting yourself out there for friends to hang out with is the weirdest thing ever to do....Its great but a strange concept because we think that everyone has friends and that people are hanging out all the time. False. Just not true.

Well after babbling and not really having a clear blog entry I invite you on my journey of....finding friends in the area?

P.S haha yes I have friends they are just not here...or very very busy people

So I cried and then woke up with a smile.

This might be my way of dealing with whatever is going on or maybe not dealing with it. I’m not sure. I asked one of my best friends if my blog entries were sad and depressing because people will message me and ask me if everything is alright and etc. She said no because its about struggles, something that people tend to not share and you are sharing that. I’ll take her word for it because most of times when I write my blog entries it’s because whatever happened already happened and is in the process of being dealt with. You, the reader, do not hear about the good times or you don’t necessarily see the good in my struggles. Now before I go on I do have a disclaimer. This blog entry will seem sad maybe very sad. Although it isn’t entirely actually. It is my life and something that will be apart of my life till I die. It follows me where ever I go. It is the entry about my mom. 

I tend to write this entry (once a year) mostly for myself when it becomes close to Halloween. It frees me from the thoughts that I didn’t know I had. However, I am noticing it has become an useful tool in allowing people to get to know me on a level that is hard to open up about. 

Every year I come to this month of October. Every year it has been very different. Every year it has gotten better and better. The third time this month came around after my mom passed away I went into this intense depression. I shut out the world and let in the vile creatures that lived outside of it. Vile creatures, I don’t ever want to see them again. I had this traumatic night when it set off things inside me that were horrible and terrifying. I was messaging the best friend that I spoke of earlier. The conversation went wrong and I eluded to suicide then shut off my computer. I put on my jacket and took a scarf then went outside. I could feel the devil taunting me. I called someone that I thought I would never call. We spoke and after I felt better. But my phone was going off from my friends who were so worried about me. The third year...the shock or numbness finally dissolved and left me. I became real with what I had in front of me. I was alone and distant from my family. I was in a place I was semi familiar with. That was a very dramatic and intense time in my life that I do not want to experience again. I am terrified of that time in my life. It was something that lead me to the deep end. 

This October. I can feel the crisp air on my face and my eyes are amazed by the colors of the leaves. The air smells fresh and I can feel winter knocking at the door...ready to come in. I can enjoy pumpkin carving even when I do mess up. I can start planning somewhat of what I want to be for Halloween. I became proactive and took work off on Halloween. I felt sad a few days ago. So I cried and then woke up with a smile. If living will be like this then I can handle it. I’ll take it. I’ve finally accepted that I’m an introvert. I do not get energized from people. They actually drain me. I can sit in my house for a few hours without having people over or me going to them. I don’t think I can express enough how awesome that feels. Being alone and not feeling lonely. 

My brother Brandon woke me up on October 31st, 2007 at 4:09am. All he said to me was “It’s time.” I knew what those two words meant and he left my room as soon as he said them. I put socks on and went to the “nice” room where my mom’s hospital bed was. She laid there...lifeless. She laid there and I could feel that her soul was gone. It’s ironic now that I saw death on Halloween. This is the first time that I find it quite amusing in a very dark comedy way. My family will make jokes time to time. They are pretty inappropriate jokes about my mom, death, and the present together. It helped us and helps us deal with it. Last October it was the day of Halloween and it was the first time I went out in the States for Halloween, the first time I went out on Halloween after my mom passed was in Spain. Daniela and I were sitting on her bed. I let her in the most I have ever let someone in. I don’t remember the exact words at all. But she made an inappropriate dead mom joke. I knew at that point we were family, where ever we would be in life. I laughed so hard at the joke. It was hilarious. 

October 2013 is good. I’m just breaking even every month for bills. Its painful but it is the best incentive to make it to graduate school and finish. I live in a semi shaddy neighborhood but the house is awesome and the church across the street is always full. The church makes me feel like I am in Europe again. All the people that go there are walking around all the time nicely dressed. I’m dating an awesome guy who is as stubborn as me. I’ve realized that I invented a recipe. My friends are calling it Brenna’s Potatoes. I also have been noticing that I love a clean living environment. I need the house clean or else. Something that is very interesting has been coming alive in me also. I have being paying attention to things I do. Some of my traits, quirks, and characteristics are like my mom’s. The cleaning...is one. The weird sense of what goes with what while cooking and making up recipes...granted I have not always known how to cook at all but I forced myself to. The stubbornness is a given. And the ambition to succeed in life in whatever form that is....is also from her. She may not be here. She may not be able to give me relationship advice. She may not be here to send me packages or sooth my cries. She may not be here to tell me how much I’ve grown. Though these things are true...the more I see her inside me and my siblings I feel as though she is. October 2013 is good. 

when my heart is calm and my head is light

I have these moments in my life when my heart is calm and my head is light. I have a lot going on but I seem to be content. I don't know how I will afford some bills right now but I have a roof over my head. I have food in my belly. I have two jobs whether they are good enough or not.

I got a tattoo a few months ago. It is three arrows. I got the idea from my culture induced brain. However, I designed the arrows and made each one different. The middle one is further down than the left and right one. It represents my family. The right one represents my friends that turned into family. The left one represents my best friend. Arrows are meant to hit their target. They are meant to go straight. With the people in my life I'm going straight. I have seen the path and I am going there. For some reason its always been hard for me to not rebel. I've wanted to rebel since I could remember. But I thought about it more than doing it.

I put myself in hard situations. I tend to do it subconsciously. When the situation is figured out the benefit is amazing. The feeling you get when you get that first pay check is stimulating. I suppose I learn the hard way. I haven't really learn things the easy way or even had the chance to at most cases. I suppose I like to fight and then be held when it's too much.

Lately, I have been looking at my arm which as the arrow tattoo. The weather has been warm and the leaves are starting to change. This is my favorite season to be silent in and just watch the commotion of mundane activity through out the city. I've been able to see my tattoo. Most of the people that are behind the tattoo aren't present. So maybe looking at this symbol in my life makes it feel like they are right there with me. I don't know to be honest.

But I feel content. I feel struggle. I feel loved. I feel tried. I feel pushed. I feel relieved.
Though yesterday however I started to miss someone so bad that it hurt. I didn't want to reply to the text. I wanted to be with them. When you love a person whether it is a friend or the person you are with there will always be hard moments. Moments that you want to be ceased. Though to be honest in some of those moments I feel my most content. Because I know I'm doing something right when they miss me and I miss them. I know I'm doing something right because it takes work to make something better.

Most of the time I'm selfish. Most of the time I have walls that I don't even know I had. But I fight...I fight for something better. I fight to be content in my situation and when I achieve that I feel a very intense emotion. The emotion makes me want to sing.

It doesn't seem real.

I never knew what growing up was or what it meant to me. It has always looked different. On my roadtrip from California to Michigan, I was driving through Colorado. It was so beautiful to me. I haven't seen beauty like that in so long. It reminded me of so many things...the beauty in my friends and family. It reminded me of the feelings I got in Spain. I couldn't quite place a finger on it about how it felt in Spain until I felt it again that day. I saw what I felt, the beauty. Spain was a place where I grew up and so many things about that trip made me feel alive. I feel alive again though in a very different way. I'm unleashed by undergraduate school. Life is an empty salad bowl. I have chance to put what I want in it now. However, life's normal occurrences have been interrupting exactly what I want in that salad bowl.

When I arrived in Michigan I had decided early on that I would have no expectations of the place or what it meant in the past. My mind was left blank to allow the weird turn of events to wedge themselves in my life. My life here is different, very different from what it was in college. No one expects anything out of me besides work. I have to put on my own demands and constraints. Like always I learned the hard way in the first two days. My rent and security deposit was more than I expected which resulted in a depletion of my money. If thought that was bad...it got worse. My credit card was stolen. It never seems to end. I had a bed...just a bed in my room. No food....and a dad that was angry with me.

There are times where I just want to curl up in my Mom's arms and have her stroke my arm until I fall asleep. This period of life is defiantly one of them. Though obviously I couldn't...it's not possible. So I took a big bite of the bullet and pressed on.

I'm not totally sure how I am going to pay for rent or the payments on my car or for bills and food. Hopefully the two part time jobs I am working at will pay off.

This is life. I've pretty much grown to just adapting to it and not letting things really get to me. I've evolved into someone else over the years. Someone different and I'm getting to know this new person. Life is a bitch. It really is. It's only going to become more of a bitch but you have learn to adapt to it. Change the things that aren't working for you. I've had to cut out a ton of things that I love because it costs money. For 4 years I had the privilege of budgeting those things into my monthly expenses.

I'm trying. I miss my best friends like crazy and I know it would be easier if all of them were here. But I don't have that so I have to change and adapt to it. I miss them so much. It doesn't seem real.

I sipped my coffee too eagerly

I sipped my coffee too eagerly and it burned the tip of my tongue. I let it settle and took another sip. She didn't care for me smoking which I knew so I waited until our conversation was over. My mind was impatience to hear her advice though I waited. She wasn't like Dad who gave this elongated explanation for what he was saying.
We were outside on the patio. Dad finally got the pepper tree to be cut and the view was ours once again. The fog wasn't settling anymore as the sun started to heat up and burn it all off causing the mountains to be visible. I knew she had some errands to run so I didn't waste any more time to ask her if moving back would be a good idea.

This is what I imagine it would of been like if my mom was alive and I had the opportunity to talk to her when I needed to. Though I don't have that now. I wish it was as easy as sending an email to her or even a text. I've had to think of different ways to handle this. For some reason getting your mom's advice is special in this sense that they want you to stay but they also know what is better for you to do. I imagine that when I get the chance to talk to her...it will be a weird sense of comfort.

I haven't gotten a clear answer about moving but I am still moving. Its this feeling I have. This feeling that feels right. There are a handful of people that I've talked to that aren't bias but there are a handful of people that are. Either they want me to stay to just "hang out" or they want me to come to just "hang out".  Haha but what's the right decision? Well, I have come up with pros and cons that have led me to a decision. It would of been easier with my mom around, however that isn't an option.

I'm not entirely good at remembering details. It often takes me longer to understand something or learn something. I can be irrational sometimes. I tend to make a decision without thinking very hard about it. I enjoy advice from people who know me very well. There are times I still feel like a kid and it irritates me. Though I am not sure why I am so eager to grow up. Maybe because I'm happy when I find myself. Find myself through my own individuality.

I'm in a time in my life where I'm trying to build a life.

Her lips went together after sipping more coffee. It was now unsettling hot outside and it was time to get dress to go on with the day full of errands. Her advice left me unsettled but comforted in the ways that I expected.

I fell in love with 11 people

I didn't have the moment of realization once things started to change. They all seemed different from me or just not my crowd for some reason. I didn't feel accepted until I accepted them. The process was quite quick however. It happened so fast that I am not sure I realized exactly what happen in the last two years. My past is cloudy and dusty. It has taken me years to sort through things that influenced who I am today. My feet seem to be tired some days although I keep pressing on. That is what they accepted and loved.

When I met them my world changed. Somehow some way we all connected in this unimaginable way. I felt as though I could be myself and being myself around such a large number of people. The most perfect or close to perfect thing in this world is to be understood and accepted. The most horrible thing in this world is to be misunderstood and not accepted.

There are many things in this world that cause us grief and uncertainty. When joy and certainty is found it is as if life is found, the meaning of life is found. I don't know if you have found that but when you do...it is pretty intense. It is when you finally understand what God's love is even if it is for a split second. They took my hand in my anger, grief, joy, and complete happiness. They held my hand when I wanted to scream. They acted like real raw human beings...and saw God's beauty in them. I saw honest and genuine beings. 

Kind eyes and relentless love. The excuses of parties and events just to see each other. Making every weekend seem like a holiday. Wanting the best for them in their studies or work but pressuring to just see them. Telling stories of the past and making memories for future story telling. You will have a place in my heart that will never be kept secret. I will decorate it with the most comfy blankets and pillows...for those afternoon naps.

For some reason when I feel the rain and warm air I think of you all. Something about how it makes me feel resembles the times we have had. We have seen each other at our worse and at our best. It is like rain in the middle of summer. Or it is like a summer day in the middle of winter.

I have a lot of wants and wishes. Some will be fulfilled and others simply won't. Though I will always want to have a day where we are all be together again. I will fight for it. I'm this hopeless romantic for my friends in ways they only understand. I cannot pull away or disengage even though I want nothing more but to get rid of this pain. I've felt greif and I will always feel grief. But pulling away from something that is still there in a sense makes no sense...It simply does not. Once you lose something you understand what fighting for is all about. It is about something bigger than yourself.

I fell in love. I fell in love with 11 people. Each one took my heart and nourished it. They won't give it back. I won't give their hearts back either.

My first goodbye was to my friend Jeremy when I left grand rapids. We actually had two goodbyes, haha that wasn't planned. The first goodbye I think I said goodbye to the whole group in my heart because after that goodbye the other goodbyes I detached from. I cried on the train a little but when I said goodbye to Jeremy everything felt very real. It was as if the curtain was removed and I saw my future. I saw a world that I didn't want. I built my home in your hearts. I built it very deep. When I see you I feel home. I feel for a period of time that I don't need to put up fronts or facade. I can be the person that I was meant to be.

I have two families. One family I was born into. One family I found myself in. When does that happen twice?

When I got off the plane late in the night...I knew this wasn't my home anymore.

I got home almost two weeks ago. When I got off the plane late in the night...I knew this wasn't my home anymore. I knew instantly and all my fears of life settled themselves inside my head. These fears I am not sure of anymore as I was terribly overwhelmed with life. I missed my friends. I missed the way the city woke up. I missed the way the air felt in my lungs. I missed the strangers. I missed hugging. I was told to settle in for a few weeks before making any irrational decisions. So I tried. Although I still feel I don't belong in California. The people here are very individualistic and very inward. Communities that provide life and growth are hard to find because you cannot feel it. I cannot feel it like I felt it in Grand Rapids. That city taught me about family and life.

I told a friend about how I felt and it was enlightening. She feels the same way but needs to be home for certain reasons. The churches here are very big we concluded. The might be for all the lost souls.

I always wondered why people stayed in Grand Rapids. I wondered why it was so appealing and remarkable. I didn't quite understand them until I myself when home to live. I moved here and yet I am a person with no heart because I left it in Grand Rapids. Its troubling to know that.

I need to get back on my feet. Pay bills. And then move back. That is my goal.

Since I have been home I have also felt a different feeling that I rarely feel. I feel useless. I feel as though I have no skills and even no skills in relationships. My head is on some other level for the moment. I hope I can change that soon. I need to adequate for this life that I have established. Did I lose something? Is that something confidence? I am not sure. I hope not. I will do anything in my power to find it.

So here I am to find myself in a new way growth. I shall work hard and be productive.

The funny thing is. I realize that if I go back to Grand Rapids...half of my friends will be there....but none at all I dont know. I just know that my heart isn't here in San Diego anymore. I've moved on.

I have a vague plan for the next few months

The last month was something I cannot quite put into words. It is was blur of emotions for me. My heart was tugged in directions that were hard to say no to. I thought that saying goodbye would be ok. But in fact I haven’t said a goodbye like that in very long time. The moment when you realize how much you love someone is when you have to say goodbye. 

That moment you realize that you would do anything or maybe nothing for them. Its this strange feeling you feel that lasts for a few seconds between you and that person. The hug feels like it should be infinite but it isn’t. The tighter you squeeze somehow signifies how much you love them. Then you can whisper anything you want into their ear and only they can hear it. You only want them to hear it. 

This morning I had some hard goodbyes. Partly because I was so emotional from all the other goodbyes and I have known these people for 4 years. They saw me at my weakest and my strongest. They listened to my sob stories and held my hand when my head was too heavy for myself. I wish I could tell them in person how much I care for them...again and again and again. 

When someone is gone...either if they have run away or left on their own terms...you realize the power of love. You realize that you would have their back and support them to no end. My “crew” means a lot to me. In ways that I can’t comprehend because they turned into family. I wish this stuff was easy but if it was easy then why would we have community? 

I have a vague plan for the next few months. I am broke. SO broke. I spent my money wise but I couldn’t possible spend it too wise when I spent my last days in Grand Rapids. I hope that it was worth it because it felt worth it. 

My plans might be vague but the support I have from my friends pushes me. To make that money to be used to see them again. I talked to some people about my friend group and its awfully strange. Apparently it is kinda rare to form the kind of friend group that I did in college. A range of 10-13 people saw me at my worse and my best. We discovered ourselves together and helped each other see who they really are. YOLO became this theme that became so ridiculous but made so much sense. We found each other late in the game but it didn’t matter. 

Although my heart hurts and it feels so tangled in mush...I’m relaxed. You see your family, that is a written rule. 

I have so many things ahead of me and so many plans to make. I’m excited to share them with my friends. I’m excited to live my dreams. I’m excited to use social media to its fullest because I still need them. 

Life Holds Onto You If You Let It

This is my second to last day of undergrad. Tomorrow I use what knowledge I have in my head and force it down on two finals. My mind hasn't really stopped racing, it started racing about a month and half ago. I am thankful that today I don't have a final instead I can study my brains out and focus. Although my focusing has been a bit sidetracked lately.
Mother's Day really through me off. It came out of no where and it was like I was running into a wall with a blind fold on. I didn't even leave the house that day because I was studying but leaving would be too much work. Normally days like this aren't the worse but I usually prepare for them.
Today is a weird day. I'm exhausted from sleeping? I have no idea but I am so exhausted. Last night my brother texted and told me that my niece, Alaina, was sick and had to go to the ER. ER...I hate those letters so much. To some it might seem has refuge or a career but to me it is just another word for bad. Also today it is my brother Brent's birthday. He passed away when he was 4 but I wasn't alive to know him. I think he would of been 29 or 30. I'm not too sure. The list just keeps growing!

Yea all this stuff is hard, it has to happen during finals week of my last year of undergrad. Although as I look back on the last 4 years I have had a lot harder times. I have conquered so much in such a small time frame. Yes, I know my grades aren't the best. But I was also dealing with a whole lot at that time of my life.

I have changed a lot since that first year. I feel more confident. I have more to say and I say it when I feel like it. I guess in a lot of ways I have found myself. I talked to or had flings with guys...but never completely dated someone in college. I didn't get my MRS degree. I didn't want to. I couldn't of...I was too busy finding myself.

I could say that this week is bullshit and I hate it. I wish I could skip this coming weekend and just ignore it. However, I can't. This week means a lot to me...this weekend means a lot to me. When my mom was dying I had made a few promises to her. I already fulfilled one of those promises. The second promise was to graduate from college. I'm doing it mom. I'm graduating. Every part of me wishes you were here. I wish I could hold your hand again and compare how similar our hands are. I wish you could meet my friends...the ones that helped me so much...but you can't. And because you can't...I have become a more independent, caring, thoughtful, and loving person. I wish I could of done it with you here but that is ok, its ok now.

Life holds onto you if you let it. It will drag you down so far. You have to learn to shake it off...and move past it. Learning to live seems like an easy thing in life...but I think it's actually pretty hard. Learning to live is a hard challenge because if you let the hard stuff control and run your life...you will get nowhere. The only destination you will arrive at is misery.

Sometimes I want to give up because it would be easier than trying. However lately its been harder to give up because trying is easier.

I have no choice but to hug life right back

I haven't written something thought provoking in awhile. I have settled for things that I have just repeated time and time again. However in this moment of time I am ready to unload some things. In a better sense document what I have been going through.

For the last month I have been struggling. Struggling in a new sense though. My stress has overtaken my thoughts and the way I am perceiving. I feel now that I have some type of hold on it. In a few weeks I will be graduating from college. I suppose this is some kind of life changing event...

The work load I have been given and taken on is a lot. Papers, projects, relationships, shifts in life, and new issues have been rising to the surface of my life. Lately, I have also realized how similar I am to my dad. We seem to be dealing with the same prohibiting personality traits at the same time. For the first time in a long time I feel as though he is taking care of me and I am not taking care of him.

I'm a perfectionist. I do not have this type A personality per se but I am a perfectionist in my own life. I want to control what goes on in my life in my way. My way isn't the best way but I like it. As you might have realized is that this way of being promotes some hardships.

I like to put my whole self into things...school doesn't allow me to do that. I have to spread myself from subject to class to home. Only parts of me are available. And guess what? I have so much going on in my life right now that I can only give a few percents of myself to each thing.

This results in me not sleeping. At first I wouldn't fall asleep until 5 in the morning...the next day. As you can imagine this through me off from everything, to my relationships to attending classes. It was hard to focus and it was hard to be there for people because I wasn't there for myself. I have changed some things...

I have changed or in the process of changing how I feel, think, and act. One of the biggest things I had to change and probably the most protruding...is my mom. This 'issue' that keeps coming up in my life no matter what. My mom won't be at my graduation. She won't be there when I get my dress. She won't be there holding my hand. She won't be there to take a picture with me in the scorching heat. She won't be there.

Sometimes I feel like a kid whose parent is in jail or something. How they could of been there if....fill in the blank...but they won't be. There could be possibility but they chose not to come. That is a thought I have changed. She won't be there because she is dead. However if she wasn't she would be there...and she would probably stress me out with choices and obligations. I would have to take out my lip ring and the plugs in my ears. I would of had to choose a dress that we both like...oh my gawd...I would of gone crazy.

I am not a motherless woman. I am woman that has a mother, she is dead. I am still me and I am still great. I have flaws, flaws that I work on. I struggle through life like anyone else. I relate with people who have lost a parent. I relate to people who have had grief in their life.

I am going through a life change. A change in my life that is real and there. I am not a copy of someone else but I am me. I struggle...but I make it worth while. This is life and once again it is opening it's arms wide and embracing me.....and I have no choice but to hug life right back.

I need to be honest because at this point honesty hurts way less than hiding it.

Prime stress.
4 papers and little time to complete all 4. Stresses of life settling their way into my cracks. Abundant things in every corner.

Though the cool thing about this is getting to really know yourself. I have molded and developed into a different person since my freshman year of college. Comparing the two side by side, is unreal to me to think about. I'm just so different. I've tried to find myself and it didn't really work out well. So I just went with the flow and natural I started to come to the surface.

When high stress periods come now I am starting to realize who I am through them. It is very interesting. I turn aggressive and lose a bit of my kindness along the way. Strangely, I don't even try to do this. It just kind of happens. My energy gets absorbed by the papers and the projects. There just isn't enough emotions to pass around or so it seems.

I have to set aside my stress and frustrations. I have to put them in boxes no matter how big they are or how small they are. They have their space...and their space isn't taped shut or even exposed. It is just in it's spot. Because once that all gets tangled with other unrelated things; trouble has started.

For some reason I snapped at some people that I love in the past few days. It is as though I have lost some control for some brief seconds and the beast is released. I don't know. But that is what it feels like.

So in these moments I realize who I am in certain scenarios. When some one is neurotic or has some sort of pathology...they act the same in every place you put them. They act the same at a party, coffee break, hanging out, being around friends, etc. Their response to situations they are put in or put themselves in are the same. That used to be the case for me...but now it is different.

For the last year or so I have been experiencing a new me. At times it is very exciting and other times it is very frustrating. Because it is like getting to know myself all over again. I suppose this is the traditional way of growing up, I am not sure. I am sure that I feel like I have a pile of clay in front of me...and it is my job to decide what I want to remove or shape. Decision making, it is a very interesting topic. We make decisions every day from the clothes we wear to the statements we say to friends. Our world around us has the power to manipulate us or bring us closer to the truth.

When my stress is very high, it interferes with my sleep. that is the point when I know that my stress is bad. It has to be dealt with. This is the point where I need to be honest because at this point honesty hurts way less than hiding it.

I see my life and I see how it affects the people around me. I don't know what to do and I am stuck. So I pull out of my shell and express that today kinda sucks and I'm stressed out. I need some comfort.
The hardest part of growing up is when you have to ask for help. When you have to ask for comfort it is like the walls are caving in.

I'm only confident in the things that I was forced to be confident in. I'm only confident in the things that were forced to grow up inside of me. I'm subconscious in the things that I have time and time again made mistakes in. I've never been good at stress. In fact I have always kinda handled it badly. But if I'm not confident in over coming this stress, I will never over come this stress.

Stress shall have no hold on me in a negative way. I will not submit to stress factors. Some stresses are good and can motivate you to succeed but once they start tearing you down...it is negative.

that special connection and it has a twist of intimacy attached to it

I've become the person who is able to put things in boxes and then think about them when I choose to open them. Although, when the boxes seem to be over flowing because too many things are happening...I explode.

I think I have had anxiety most of my life. I was an anxious child. I don't think my parents caught on to it because I would keep a lot of things inside and not disclose much to anyone. I remember having these mini panic attacks when I was little. Bedtime would come and I would start having anxiety of being alone. I didn't understand it. And the moment I would sneak into my parents room, I would fall asleep instantly. Around that time my mom was battling more cancer...

This feeling of being alone/lonely has been very exposed in my life. A lot of Christians say that pray to God because with him you are never alone. This was after my mom passed away. I suffered from depression, anxiety, and overwhelming thoughts and hurts.

I was told to just dive into God because he is all source of comfort. Because God is Almighty and cures all. What I wasn't told was that God doesn't just answer your prayer like a genie. He also doesn't always answer. He also answers on his time.

Another thing I wasn't told is that sometimes you have to perceive God as an Anti-depressant. Anti-depressants do not get rid of depression or anxiety. But they help you think clearly so you can cope and understand what is going on. It is there to help you sort out the overwhelming confusions.

God isn't a fix it bottom. I cannot just read a verse and be fixed. I can pray all I want it isn't a one sided relationship.

When I was depressed I have never felt so alone/lonely before in my life. I would cry in most of my prayers. I would sob for salvation from this life. I pushed myself as hard as I could go.

But what I needed to understand is that I needed to just deal with the depression, untangle the spagetti.

After saying that, I have been feeling alone. I have mentioned this type of alone before. I feel alone in the sense that I want to have an intimate relationship with someone. Though I'm not really searching. Available but not searching. It isn't so much as a selfish desire but it is a yearning to connect on a different level.

There is a certain kind of comfort that happens in a certain situation with a certain person. This comfort is acceptance from a human being. An act of God. A character trait of God. This comfort is awesome. I have this with somebody but that somebody is of the same sex and unfortunately I'm not gay.

Its that moment when you realize that the lights do not have to be off for you to confide your secrets in that person. That you can look your worse and in the daylight and offer your heart.

Its that moment when you find that special connection and it has a twist of intimacy attached to it.

I have learned the difference of being alone versus lonely. I'm not lonely right now. I feel as though lonely has bad connotations rather than alone. I can be alone...but i can desire more. I cannot be lonely...because I'm desperate for more.

Letting life be life and fiction lay on the ground

As I watched you lay eyes on me, I pretended that I didn't. I pretended that I didn't because I knew what you were going to say. You were going to ask me if I was ok. The phrase that I hear often and maybe too much then I should. The moment you ask me, I lie every single time. It is hard to accept when you know that someone knows you. Not in a sense of name and face but in a sense that they can depict how you act when you are sad, happy, annoyed, and etc. They then, see you. They see you for who you are and what you really are. So I lied. Because I have been found out. I feel sad and you have found me out. I feel mad and you have found me out. I do not understand how you have found me. I do not understand how you know me, but you do. I find it beautiful but oh so raw at the same time. It's surprising to me because I thought I was a wall. I wanted to be a wall. If I was wall then you wouldn't see the ugliness that I have in me. If I was a wall then I could hide from the truth. At my darkest days you expose the truth. At the days where I just don't want to...you ask if I am ok.

I'm a wall to many. Though I never seemed to be a wall to you. Or maybe I never wanted to be a wall with you, however I was in the beginning, a wall. I haven't told you all my secrets though. I have a few hidden. Not because I try to hide them but they are mine and I'm not willing to share. But you ask why I am not willing to share? Because then maybe you won't like me anymore or you will get bored because you have found every little intimate part of my being.

There are some days were I wish you were of the opposite sex because I know it could work in this weird way. And then I reject it because I like us how we are now. I like us how we are and how we found each other.

You asked me if I was ok. And I lied the first time. I never told you the answer the second time. I told you the answer over text the third time. I whispered it to you the fourth time because it would hurt less. And the fifth time I told you right after I brushed my teeth.

This time I told you and I expressed how fearful I was. How scared I felt and then I said to much. Because what I was most fearful of...was the reaction you had later. I woke up distraught the next day and wanted to escape far away.

There are times where I want to hear just the words I love you. Not in the way when you say a goodbye. The way when it is unexpected and most needed. Because then you know its real and still true.

I will only let a few in to the deepest parts of me. I will only let you in for now and maybe for them will be later. Because right now I feel secure.

I fight it and so do you. I feel equal. I feel equal for the first time in my life and I am not letting go of that. Don't let me let go of that. I'm letting life be life and I am letting fiction lay on the ground until it goes to sleep...so that I can live.

I have breath to question and struggle.

I think I know. But then I realize I didn't.
I've been having these amazing talks with my other half for some time now. They have certainly evolved over time. The talks began has figuring out life but sort of bashing people who think differently than us. Now it has turned into something more than that. Taking a step back and looking at the human experience. Understand how someone could of hurt us the way they have. Listen to the other person vent in totally confidentiality. Though the main point of it all is to lean on someone and be strong enough to let them lean on you.

As we have fumbled through life and keep fumbling I have uncovered the things I tend to cling onto more. I have found the things I have believed in and don't mind someone knowing. This has been apart of me changing and maturing although it has also been apart of me searching for the answers. I have found answers through my studies and constant readings. Learning to dig deep and not being afraid of the answer has seem to be the key.

There is something that I have almost refused to dig deep in. Not because I am afraid of the answer but because it as allowed me to actually find that answer while searching other things. Every since I went to Spain I have put God aside. Was this risky? Yes I believe it was risky. Though if He is real and an actually god then I knew I would come back. I didn't stop believing in Him or refuse to believe in Him. I did however stop believing that the churches I have been attending were Him.

There is a saying that going to church isn't what makes you a Christian. I heard that and listened to it. Why have I walked away from the church for a bit? Because I didn't feel welcomed. I didn't feel at home. I actually felt like I didn't belong. I have always felt this though. I have just felt it deeper. Most Christians are conservative republicans. Most, if not all, Christian Reformed churches are conservative republicans. I thought I was too. Until I looked at problems or concerns in the world from a different angle and then looking at all evidence.

I found out one thing. I can finally breath. I have breath to question and struggle. I have the chance to actually look at a human being and not judge them by how they look or act. I remember coming home one time from Michigan. I went to college group one night. There was a kid seating beside me. My friend leans over and whispers, "Watch out. He gets weird and dances everywhere. Its really annoying." So I did watch out...I saw how awesome he was. The songs played and so did his heart.

Whenever I go to church and its during the worship time....I sometimes get nervous. How are other people acting. How does this church worship. How should I act? When I'm with my friends at a dance party...I don't even care who watches me. I'm going to jump, scream the lyrics, go buckwild, I'm going dance like I just don't care, I'm going to be free. Why can't we do that in church? Why can't I worship God like that at church without looking like I'm psychotic? The pressures are so great to not look like that.

I could go on and on about the pressures I feel from the church or being in the church. I can go on and on about how they make me feel sad and not accepted. I can. But I won't for now. Instead I will pray for something. I haven't really prayed in a long time. I have a shitty but also beautiful reason for this.

I wanted and want to see the rawness in humans. How some friends are there to the point you have to tell them to back off. Or their are some friends that actually try to understand, others that don't, and some that are plain mean.

I have a group of friends. We have never been to church together. Some go and some don't. But the thing is I have never felt more loved. We are way too real. Others can't really handle it. We have accepted our rawness because we have all seen each other at our worse. There are times when we only see each other at our worse. I've never felt this before. I have never felt this from the church. I have never felt like I could come as I am into the church. To God...yes I have but not the church.

But I think its time to pray again...not for others. but for myself. Because i finally feel like I'm not in a competition anymore to be the "best" christian. I was so tired of it.

What I have learned though is that God hears you. I'm not sure how or even why but he does. Things are complex and when you try to simplify Christianity...it ends up not making sense. The world isn't black and white from the flowers popping out of the ground to the identity of sexual orientation you perceive to be you.

So I have decided I am going to pray. Pray for change, understanding, open minds, and the hearts of people to be open.

.

I think of all things great

Later in the day I was beginning to feel a lot of sadness. It was overwhelming so I decided to talk about it. I did and I have realized a lot of things. Things that I'm not sure I have ever vocalized. Or maybe I have I just can't remember.
It's Valentine's Day. A day to celebrate love. A day to have any excuse to tell your crush you like them. A day to be dramatic. A day of forever alone. The national single awareness day. The list goes on whether it is bad or good. My week days are boring. There isn't a lot of exciting things that happen anymore in the week. Most of my friends have graduated which doesn't leave a lot of friends to hang out with while I am at school. This results in me being alone most of the day besides seeing my classmates.
Today I just had enough by the time I knew I was going to be alone for several hours. I have actually learned how to take care of this and have a different mindset when I approach these kinds of days. It has happen so many times that I am in a habit of it. Although, today was just different. I started to miss the way my mom celebrated stupid holidays like this one. We, her kids, would have gift baskets of treats and/or a new clothing item. This happened on Easter, sometimes St. Patrick's day, and all the other minor holidays. Then my train of thought drifted to the fact that my mom is dead and I'm going to spend the rest of the day alone.
I know that sounds so morbid but once you have someone extremely close to you that affected your daily life...you will understand. My mind just started to drift to a black hole. Once it got there I was terrified...
I was depressed for awhile a year ago. My mind started to think about that and I started to cry. I have no intentions of every letting myself get to that point again.

So this is what I did. I talked it out. I learned that my closest friends really know how to make me feel important. They make me feel sane. They make me feel like a person. A person who is broken just like them.

I also thought about my mom who had a chronic illness. She also was on the Price is Right. She was on the talk show Montel Williams. She was on the News and talked to while walking for the cure for breast cancer. She did make up for plays. She came to everyone of my home games even if she was sick and in a wheelchair. She made my lunch every morning until she physically couldn't anymore.

I think it is hard to picture Jesus on the cross. Or I think its hard to see a human being selfless and give unconditional love.

But I think of my mom. I think about the ways in which leaped over cancer and crushed it's painful consequences. My mom wasn't perfect. Far from it. But to me she was. Because she is my Valentine...she achieved so much and in the worse parts of her life. How do you do that??!?!?!

When i get sad I let myself get sad. Then I think of things I'm grateful for. The things I'm good at. The things I love and the people I love. I think of all things great.

It has been that space that allows me to dance

My last semester of undregrad. I'm not completely sure how I got here or what got me here. I have discovered and rediscovered my beliefs in my spiritual life, in politics, and what I believe is to be a good life. I have dug deep in my faults and I have also dug deep in things I find to be true. I try my hardest to pull myself out of depression and overwhelming sadness. I have put my confounded beliefs on a high shelf...and have left the ones I still can't figure out on the table.

In a sense I have found my voice although I still haven't. I have just found what I vaguely want out of life. My eyes right now are on my friends. There is a handful of people that I know I won't see ever again or that I won't see for a few years. My heart drops. My heart drops because a lot of them have touched my heart in a way that family does. I wish I had found myself freshman year and that I could of enjoyed myself instead of struggling to the surface. However, Grand Rapids, Michigan would be useless to me then. It has served me well. It has been like a pillow that I can scream into and figure out my issues. It has been that space that allows me to dance around deep issues and concerns...then settle down with one or two.

When I think of my mom's funeral...I think about all the people that came up to me and told me how my mom had touched their lives. I always thought there was over 500 people there but recently I learned it was more like 700. I have never meet somebody that has topped my mom in that way. I want to live up to be like her. I want to know that I have touched the hearts of my friends and every person that I meet.

My mother was spunky, raw, aggressive, loving, and so caring. She fought for her beliefs. I remember one time I wanted to go to my cousin's. I got in a fight with my mom about it because I spending a lot of time outside of the house on the weekends. I spilled the beans. I couldn't handle being home. My mom cried. I never knew how much it hurt her until now.

I've tried really hard in life to not say things to people in a way that might really hurt them, even if it is true. Yes, the truth hurts...but its how it is said. It is how it is presented. It is how it is intended to sound. It is the motivation behind it. It is....

The truth may be true to you but is it true to the other person? My life forced me grow up as fast as possible. What I should of done was to stay home and be with my mom. no matter how much I wanted to get out of there. Because there is a time for everything. And to see if it the right timing is key.

I want the church where my funeral is held to hold as much people as it can. I want to touch people's hearts. I want to hug my friend's when they hurt. I want to control my aggression when it isn't tunneled the right way. I want to love people and for them to remember me in a good way.

Butterfly

I was there. In the middle of it all. I wanted to burst. I wanted to burst at the seams...I was in the bar. Drinks were being served to all and even me. I wanted to twitch and to steer to another universe. There was something inside of me rising....to all extremes.

Life is different when it is just not you in the picture. When someone else is mixed up in what you are mixed up in... What are you mixed up in? Life...it is life. Life is what you are mixed up in. Of course you can do it alone, for awhile. But after awhile life just gets lonely. It gets to a point where you can't do it alone. Where another human being needs to be in the mix of things. Because your heart craves community.

However, when that other human being is with you or beside you there is a chance their pain can affect you also. Lately, things haven't been happening to me but to the rest of my close circle. People are getting hurt, falling into pain, or struggling. The two paragraphs above I wrote a few days ago after an intense night. I expected it to be fun but it ended in being intense. My emotions were strong and held a lot of importance. I couldn't shake them off. At times I think I get attached and care too much to the point that I become a protector.

Since my mom passed away, death has affected me. When I hear someone has died...when it is my friend's friend, loved one, or relative...it hurts. It hurts in this weird way that is almost numb. I have obtained this new kind of empathy. Lately my friends have known someone who has died...who seems to be close to their family in some way. I find it hard to separate myself from it.

The three paragraphs were written over the month of January. The feelings I have been feeling havent just gone away or developed into something knew...or I haven't finished dealing with it. When I finish dealing with it, I do two things. I stop writing about it or I write about it and then its final.

They say that as an adult life just gets harder as you go. That it just becomes more complex and intertwined with more and more people. Your heart leaves traces on other people and they leave traces on you as well. It is as if you are a butterfly...their power leaves traces on your fingers...your imprints leave traces on them. If they give themselves away too much, they die.

Sometimes I feel like the butterfly. When I put myself in other people's live...when I let myself. I leave traces of me behind that I can never get back. Some pieces I wish I could steal back and other pieces I'm fine with giving away. I want to keep treating my heart and other people's hearts as butterflies. Because if you give too much of yourself away, you can lose yourself all together.

Though one thing I have learned is things like my familiarness with death, is something that I cannot choose to keep or lose. I give that piece of myself no matter what happens.

as long as they will let me

The holiday seasons have past and now we look forward to the rest of winter and spring break. Our lives revolve around the seasons...in fact they dictated by them. We celebrate and then move on. We get into the Christmas spirit and then we enter the New Year.

I don't have any resolutions that are elaborate or complex. Though I do have one. It is to have no regrets. Going into the rest of the school year with a positive and moving forward kind of attitude. I know once this last semester is over, my life will be strange. I sometimes have these little panic attacks about it. Back home I don't have a friend group. I wish I did. I once did. I will not have what I had/have here in Michigan.

In Michigan I went through some of the hardest times of my life and some of the greatest times in my life. I learned in my classes. I learned with my friends. My friends found me. I did not find them. I cried my most in Michigan and I also laughed the most here. I have thought about staying. If I could find a job. And then thought about how many of my friends will be moving to different places...or already have. I get really sad. Because there isn't a solution. I just have to stick it out with whatever happens.

Christmas break was amazing. I spent it with my family. With my brothers, my dad, my sister-n-laws, and my niece. I had the best of times. It felt like for once in my life my entire family was happy. That we have grown so much over the past 5 years. I look at each of them and see the life in their eyes. I wonder if the next Christmases will be the same. I've missed them each dearly.

One thing came out of the break was that I reconnected with my sister-n-law allison. I think it has to deal with the fact that I am getting older and maturing, haha. But anyways, to me it was awesome and just kinda magical. I really appreciated the time we had. I'm a bit different than my family. I dress differently and I'm interested in some different things. Though when you connect with your family...its magic. At times we just work to get along and it shouldn't be that way. We should just get along.

As the holidays pass and the world moves into it's daily routine, stop and look at the people around you. The people you surrond yourself with. Every single one of them. If they are worth it hold them close and never let go. Because a holiday isn't meant to be spent alone. But to be spent with family no matter if they are blood related or not. I'm going to hold onto my Michigan family as long as I can and as long as they will let me.