It has been that space that allows me to dance

My last semester of undregrad. I'm not completely sure how I got here or what got me here. I have discovered and rediscovered my beliefs in my spiritual life, in politics, and what I believe is to be a good life. I have dug deep in my faults and I have also dug deep in things I find to be true. I try my hardest to pull myself out of depression and overwhelming sadness. I have put my confounded beliefs on a high shelf...and have left the ones I still can't figure out on the table.

In a sense I have found my voice although I still haven't. I have just found what I vaguely want out of life. My eyes right now are on my friends. There is a handful of people that I know I won't see ever again or that I won't see for a few years. My heart drops. My heart drops because a lot of them have touched my heart in a way that family does. I wish I had found myself freshman year and that I could of enjoyed myself instead of struggling to the surface. However, Grand Rapids, Michigan would be useless to me then. It has served me well. It has been like a pillow that I can scream into and figure out my issues. It has been that space that allows me to dance around deep issues and concerns...then settle down with one or two.

When I think of my mom's funeral...I think about all the people that came up to me and told me how my mom had touched their lives. I always thought there was over 500 people there but recently I learned it was more like 700. I have never meet somebody that has topped my mom in that way. I want to live up to be like her. I want to know that I have touched the hearts of my friends and every person that I meet.

My mother was spunky, raw, aggressive, loving, and so caring. She fought for her beliefs. I remember one time I wanted to go to my cousin's. I got in a fight with my mom about it because I spending a lot of time outside of the house on the weekends. I spilled the beans. I couldn't handle being home. My mom cried. I never knew how much it hurt her until now.

I've tried really hard in life to not say things to people in a way that might really hurt them, even if it is true. Yes, the truth hurts...but its how it is said. It is how it is presented. It is how it is intended to sound. It is the motivation behind it. It is....

The truth may be true to you but is it true to the other person? My life forced me grow up as fast as possible. What I should of done was to stay home and be with my mom. no matter how much I wanted to get out of there. Because there is a time for everything. And to see if it the right timing is key.

I want the church where my funeral is held to hold as much people as it can. I want to touch people's hearts. I want to hug my friend's when they hurt. I want to control my aggression when it isn't tunneled the right way. I want to love people and for them to remember me in a good way.