I have breath to question and struggle.

I think I know. But then I realize I didn't.
I've been having these amazing talks with my other half for some time now. They have certainly evolved over time. The talks began has figuring out life but sort of bashing people who think differently than us. Now it has turned into something more than that. Taking a step back and looking at the human experience. Understand how someone could of hurt us the way they have. Listen to the other person vent in totally confidentiality. Though the main point of it all is to lean on someone and be strong enough to let them lean on you.

As we have fumbled through life and keep fumbling I have uncovered the things I tend to cling onto more. I have found the things I have believed in and don't mind someone knowing. This has been apart of me changing and maturing although it has also been apart of me searching for the answers. I have found answers through my studies and constant readings. Learning to dig deep and not being afraid of the answer has seem to be the key.

There is something that I have almost refused to dig deep in. Not because I am afraid of the answer but because it as allowed me to actually find that answer while searching other things. Every since I went to Spain I have put God aside. Was this risky? Yes I believe it was risky. Though if He is real and an actually god then I knew I would come back. I didn't stop believing in Him or refuse to believe in Him. I did however stop believing that the churches I have been attending were Him.

There is a saying that going to church isn't what makes you a Christian. I heard that and listened to it. Why have I walked away from the church for a bit? Because I didn't feel welcomed. I didn't feel at home. I actually felt like I didn't belong. I have always felt this though. I have just felt it deeper. Most Christians are conservative republicans. Most, if not all, Christian Reformed churches are conservative republicans. I thought I was too. Until I looked at problems or concerns in the world from a different angle and then looking at all evidence.

I found out one thing. I can finally breath. I have breath to question and struggle. I have the chance to actually look at a human being and not judge them by how they look or act. I remember coming home one time from Michigan. I went to college group one night. There was a kid seating beside me. My friend leans over and whispers, "Watch out. He gets weird and dances everywhere. Its really annoying." So I did watch out...I saw how awesome he was. The songs played and so did his heart.

Whenever I go to church and its during the worship time....I sometimes get nervous. How are other people acting. How does this church worship. How should I act? When I'm with my friends at a dance party...I don't even care who watches me. I'm going to jump, scream the lyrics, go buckwild, I'm going dance like I just don't care, I'm going to be free. Why can't we do that in church? Why can't I worship God like that at church without looking like I'm psychotic? The pressures are so great to not look like that.

I could go on and on about the pressures I feel from the church or being in the church. I can go on and on about how they make me feel sad and not accepted. I can. But I won't for now. Instead I will pray for something. I haven't really prayed in a long time. I have a shitty but also beautiful reason for this.

I wanted and want to see the rawness in humans. How some friends are there to the point you have to tell them to back off. Or their are some friends that actually try to understand, others that don't, and some that are plain mean.

I have a group of friends. We have never been to church together. Some go and some don't. But the thing is I have never felt more loved. We are way too real. Others can't really handle it. We have accepted our rawness because we have all seen each other at our worse. There are times when we only see each other at our worse. I've never felt this before. I have never felt this from the church. I have never felt like I could come as I am into the church. To God...yes I have but not the church.

But I think its time to pray again...not for others. but for myself. Because i finally feel like I'm not in a competition anymore to be the "best" christian. I was so tired of it.

What I have learned though is that God hears you. I'm not sure how or even why but he does. Things are complex and when you try to simplify Christianity...it ends up not making sense. The world isn't black and white from the flowers popping out of the ground to the identity of sexual orientation you perceive to be you.

So I have decided I am going to pray. Pray for change, understanding, open minds, and the hearts of people to be open.

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