Letting life be life and fiction lay on the ground

As I watched you lay eyes on me, I pretended that I didn't. I pretended that I didn't because I knew what you were going to say. You were going to ask me if I was ok. The phrase that I hear often and maybe too much then I should. The moment you ask me, I lie every single time. It is hard to accept when you know that someone knows you. Not in a sense of name and face but in a sense that they can depict how you act when you are sad, happy, annoyed, and etc. They then, see you. They see you for who you are and what you really are. So I lied. Because I have been found out. I feel sad and you have found me out. I feel mad and you have found me out. I do not understand how you have found me. I do not understand how you know me, but you do. I find it beautiful but oh so raw at the same time. It's surprising to me because I thought I was a wall. I wanted to be a wall. If I was wall then you wouldn't see the ugliness that I have in me. If I was a wall then I could hide from the truth. At my darkest days you expose the truth. At the days where I just don't want to...you ask if I am ok.

I'm a wall to many. Though I never seemed to be a wall to you. Or maybe I never wanted to be a wall with you, however I was in the beginning, a wall. I haven't told you all my secrets though. I have a few hidden. Not because I try to hide them but they are mine and I'm not willing to share. But you ask why I am not willing to share? Because then maybe you won't like me anymore or you will get bored because you have found every little intimate part of my being.

There are some days were I wish you were of the opposite sex because I know it could work in this weird way. And then I reject it because I like us how we are now. I like us how we are and how we found each other.

You asked me if I was ok. And I lied the first time. I never told you the answer the second time. I told you the answer over text the third time. I whispered it to you the fourth time because it would hurt less. And the fifth time I told you right after I brushed my teeth.

This time I told you and I expressed how fearful I was. How scared I felt and then I said to much. Because what I was most fearful of...was the reaction you had later. I woke up distraught the next day and wanted to escape far away.

There are times where I want to hear just the words I love you. Not in the way when you say a goodbye. The way when it is unexpected and most needed. Because then you know its real and still true.

I will only let a few in to the deepest parts of me. I will only let you in for now and maybe for them will be later. Because right now I feel secure.

I fight it and so do you. I feel equal. I feel equal for the first time in my life and I am not letting go of that. Don't let me let go of that. I'm letting life be life and I am letting fiction lay on the ground until it goes to sleep...so that I can live.