that special connection and it has a twist of intimacy attached to it

I've become the person who is able to put things in boxes and then think about them when I choose to open them. Although, when the boxes seem to be over flowing because too many things are happening...I explode.

I think I have had anxiety most of my life. I was an anxious child. I don't think my parents caught on to it because I would keep a lot of things inside and not disclose much to anyone. I remember having these mini panic attacks when I was little. Bedtime would come and I would start having anxiety of being alone. I didn't understand it. And the moment I would sneak into my parents room, I would fall asleep instantly. Around that time my mom was battling more cancer...

This feeling of being alone/lonely has been very exposed in my life. A lot of Christians say that pray to God because with him you are never alone. This was after my mom passed away. I suffered from depression, anxiety, and overwhelming thoughts and hurts.

I was told to just dive into God because he is all source of comfort. Because God is Almighty and cures all. What I wasn't told was that God doesn't just answer your prayer like a genie. He also doesn't always answer. He also answers on his time.

Another thing I wasn't told is that sometimes you have to perceive God as an Anti-depressant. Anti-depressants do not get rid of depression or anxiety. But they help you think clearly so you can cope and understand what is going on. It is there to help you sort out the overwhelming confusions.

God isn't a fix it bottom. I cannot just read a verse and be fixed. I can pray all I want it isn't a one sided relationship.

When I was depressed I have never felt so alone/lonely before in my life. I would cry in most of my prayers. I would sob for salvation from this life. I pushed myself as hard as I could go.

But what I needed to understand is that I needed to just deal with the depression, untangle the spagetti.

After saying that, I have been feeling alone. I have mentioned this type of alone before. I feel alone in the sense that I want to have an intimate relationship with someone. Though I'm not really searching. Available but not searching. It isn't so much as a selfish desire but it is a yearning to connect on a different level.

There is a certain kind of comfort that happens in a certain situation with a certain person. This comfort is acceptance from a human being. An act of God. A character trait of God. This comfort is awesome. I have this with somebody but that somebody is of the same sex and unfortunately I'm not gay.

Its that moment when you realize that the lights do not have to be off for you to confide your secrets in that person. That you can look your worse and in the daylight and offer your heart.

Its that moment when you find that special connection and it has a twist of intimacy attached to it.

I have learned the difference of being alone versus lonely. I'm not lonely right now. I feel as though lonely has bad connotations rather than alone. I can be alone...but i can desire more. I cannot be lonely...because I'm desperate for more.