I think of all things great

Later in the day I was beginning to feel a lot of sadness. It was overwhelming so I decided to talk about it. I did and I have realized a lot of things. Things that I'm not sure I have ever vocalized. Or maybe I have I just can't remember.
It's Valentine's Day. A day to celebrate love. A day to have any excuse to tell your crush you like them. A day to be dramatic. A day of forever alone. The national single awareness day. The list goes on whether it is bad or good. My week days are boring. There isn't a lot of exciting things that happen anymore in the week. Most of my friends have graduated which doesn't leave a lot of friends to hang out with while I am at school. This results in me being alone most of the day besides seeing my classmates.
Today I just had enough by the time I knew I was going to be alone for several hours. I have actually learned how to take care of this and have a different mindset when I approach these kinds of days. It has happen so many times that I am in a habit of it. Although, today was just different. I started to miss the way my mom celebrated stupid holidays like this one. We, her kids, would have gift baskets of treats and/or a new clothing item. This happened on Easter, sometimes St. Patrick's day, and all the other minor holidays. Then my train of thought drifted to the fact that my mom is dead and I'm going to spend the rest of the day alone.
I know that sounds so morbid but once you have someone extremely close to you that affected your daily life...you will understand. My mind just started to drift to a black hole. Once it got there I was terrified...
I was depressed for awhile a year ago. My mind started to think about that and I started to cry. I have no intentions of every letting myself get to that point again.

So this is what I did. I talked it out. I learned that my closest friends really know how to make me feel important. They make me feel sane. They make me feel like a person. A person who is broken just like them.

I also thought about my mom who had a chronic illness. She also was on the Price is Right. She was on the talk show Montel Williams. She was on the News and talked to while walking for the cure for breast cancer. She did make up for plays. She came to everyone of my home games even if she was sick and in a wheelchair. She made my lunch every morning until she physically couldn't anymore.

I think it is hard to picture Jesus on the cross. Or I think its hard to see a human being selfless and give unconditional love.

But I think of my mom. I think about the ways in which leaped over cancer and crushed it's painful consequences. My mom wasn't perfect. Far from it. But to me she was. Because she is my Valentine...she achieved so much and in the worse parts of her life. How do you do that??!?!?!

When i get sad I let myself get sad. Then I think of things I'm grateful for. The things I'm good at. The things I love and the people I love. I think of all things great.