Trying to make it is what I have to do

Life. I do not think I am good at it. I don't know what being good at it is really. I felt a huge weight on my shoulders today. As I come more into the light and of the darkness of anxiety I see that all I am doing is growing up at the age of 22. However, I have barely achieved all my independence.

Yesterday I figured out my student loans. I have one that I have to pay right away, of course monthly payments. Though the sum is the same as my rent. That sum...I hate it. I hate money. I do not know how to live on a budget because I find myself buying people dinner or gifts. Then when I need something I have get it....aka food, winter gloves, and etc. I don't know. I'm learning to survive in this crazy and harsh world. The land of the grown ups is not where I belong.

Yesterday I found myself giving homeless people a ride to a food kitchen. I don't have the gas for this. Though I did it anyways. They told me they lived in a tent. It has been snowing for days...I had a blanket in the car and offered it to them. Luckily, they didn't accept because I needed the blanket. When I had that thought it kind of made me sick. It's a weird twisted thought.

Yesterday or sometime last night...my license fell out of my wallet and landed somewhere I will never know. It was one of those things when you take your license out then out of pure laziness you put it in your jacket pocket or just some other place than your wallet.

Lets just say I didn't have the most exciting time last night or today when I came to understanding that my license was misplaced.

I don't know how I will pay for rent. I guess I am now a resident of Michigan if I get a new license.

All these things are troubling. My life is chaotic at some points. I don't quite understand this adult world or what it means to be one because I have never felt like one. I do not know how to be sufficient in this type of world. So I go to church and I record the songs in the service. I go home and start making my niece's christmas gift. I start stopping my complaining and just try my best to deal with it. This life is never easy nor do I think it will get any easier. But trying is what matters I suppose. Trying to make it is what I have to do. I try to be better than I was yesterday and maybe something good will come out of it.

Though what I am thankful for is that I am not alone. I have house to live in. I have car even if it is old. I have things to keep me warm. I have love in my heart. I have food in my belly. I have a bed to sleep in. I have work even if it isn't enough I still have work. I have a life to live. And I don't have a cold anymore just winter boogers. I suppose this is life and I work towards no matter how hard it is.