rejection at it's finest.

I sit in awe to how people act towards each other. I sit in awe wondering if they even know what they are doing. I do not understand why people chose this over that and etc. I wish I could understand.

I rarely get rejected. Probably the one feeling that I am less familiar with. It is rare for me to find myself feeling this feeling. Though I can say I felt it twice Yesterday. I felt the sting of someone not wanting you...the sting of someone throwing yourself right back at you. I can't go into detail about this because I know many read my blog. So I'll be vague but thats ok.

Rejection. It makes me feel so alone. It makes the people who love and support me so small. I'm getting used to being so alone here this summer. Though at times it kills me. I have been good at selecting the thoughts I should be having and keeping them...but the problem is keeping myself busy with things other than the computer. Man I hate and love my computer all at the same time.

This feeling just is unbearable. Though when I do feel rejection, I also do not feel the energy or the wanting to have that person want me. Not anymore at least. I've been rejected from my brother countless of times. I can't even count on my fingers. I miss him so much but this summer it came to a point where I just couldn't take it anymore. I gave up my control and moved on. I stopped rejecting the the rejection.

Every time I go home something has changed. Its a drastic change. It is always chaotic or difficult. It captures my heart and just tears at it. I remember waking up in the mornings and looking outside...crying. Just literally crying and then wiping the tears away and trying to move on. I don't want to remember the pain. Thats just morbid.

This summer there is still a lot of change. More than I was planning. A lot more than I was preparing myself for. It was like I walked in on my surprise birthday party...
Though the way I am dealing with it is a lot different. Its almost like black and white. And I know for various reasons why. I owe it to the ones who saw my heart and didn't reject it in any way. The ones who grabbed on and held on. The ones who brought their problems to me and I brought mine to them. The ones who held me when I just needed to cry a little.

I'm dealing with rejection a lot better than I gave myself credit. In life it isn't a good idea to compare. What was better and what was worse...what pleased and what pleased better...though there are exceptions. I looked at who supported me now and continues to do so...I compared that with the people who rejected me. I feel so blessed I cried a bit while writing this.

I really hope I'm known for being honest cause then this is going to sound horrible. haha. I don't tend to lie. It really isn't my "fall back." It just hurts yourself in the end. Though I know I have been known to be manipulative...which is a weird complex form of lying. Saying or doing things to get your way...and those things sometimes don't hold complete truth in them. Its like when someone says they are kidding...well probably 90% of what they said is true and 10% was kidding. Manipulation can be the same thing, 10% is true and 90% is a huge guilt trip.

I found out by limiting the manipulation skills I have...I become less likely to be rejected.
So for the other part of rejection that doesn't even deal with manipulation, I have to view it as another door closing. Another path to follow. Another person to get emotionally involved with that is probably better for me. Another perspective.

I can think of four people that I can actually talk like this out loud and have to with holdings. The ones that I never fear rejection. And if I have been rejected from them once or twice...I love them too much to find another door. I encourage anyone to find two or more people that you can do this with and say that too.

I talk to myself way to much and justify it by talking to kitty

"Our attitudes need adjustment with every change that comes into our lives. Everyone encounters storms and dry wells in life, which threaten to wreck our attitude. The secret to safe arrival is to continually adjust your perspective."

Life, I cannot explain and I will never try. God allows turmoil and happiness all at the same time. Our parents die, we need emergency surgery, our friend doesn't like us anymore, your sibling is living in a completely different world than your family, the sky casts grey over head and it won't go away, the job you were hoping to get was given to someone else, and just fill in the blank with something negative.

Things that can't be explained rush into our lives all the time. It can be the most simplistic negative situation or it can be rather complex, but it still comes. We still have to face it. Though our choice is in how we face it. How we face it determines the rest of our life. A bit dramatic but in the long run it is true. 

I could of stayed in Michigan for the summer. It was an option. I decided to go home. When I came home things happened. Events started to take place and a lot of them I did not like. In fact I kind of hated them. I honestly don't hang out with a lot of people or anyone while I am home now. Its rather not by choice but by circumstance. This puts a weird solitude in my days. I hate it. I hate being alone this much and experiencing loneliness. It is not because I am uncomfortable with myself, it is because I crave community. I want my voice to be heard. I have noticed that I sing louder in the car now. I talk to myself way to much and justify it by talking to kitty. 

Though maybe my hatred needs to be changed into a newer view. Maybe I need this quietness to reflect on things I haven't done before. Read the books I want to read so badly. Make that piece of artwork I have longed to make. Take those pictures I've been wanting to shoot. Develop my blog better. Work on me more. Bake a cake to perfection. Love my Dad more. 

I want community. But maybe this time will be for me. A time where I can be better for my community.  I'm always terribly nervous for this time. I get sucked into my thoughts, my lonely thoughts. So then I find a great song. That is quiet and has a sweet melody to calm my head. A voice that seems angelic. I recently heard this song: Once Upon Another Time by Sara Bareilles. 

My dad often asks me for advice. Well often as I mean every time he needs advice. I listen to his words and then put in my honest opinion. I thought that this was absurd sometimes because I took it really personally...in a way that tired me out. I was honored but I also felt strange. I'm 21 and my dad is 59. I thought he had more experience in life. I pause and think. Maybe I'm blessed with something...haha I have no idea. Once I changed my attitude, it never bothered me so much. 

I walk along this path of life. I make choices and decisions. Some have been very good and others have made me learn the hard way. I'm tired of impressing people, of fitting in, of looking my best (others' best), and I'm tired of being treated as tough. I may seem like it. But really to be honest...Its not so much about being tough. It is about dealing with things. It is seeing things differently. It is allowing yourself to feel the pain or love...then moving to the next step. It is about making better choices than foolish ones. We all want to be comforted, loved, given attention, and we want it now. Its not that simple. Be independent first. Be you, your own person. Make life happen. 

I have noticed that in life you naturally become better friends with people that have struggled to some degree as your own. Or they take this genuine concern and aren't afraid of given you words. I have met a lot of people in my last three years of life. My heart grows fonder of the times when your new friend tells you about some hardship. Because once that happens you seem to look at them differently. Your eyes fall upon them like a single flower in a wheat field. For the moments to come in that relationship...they seem more fun, more enjoyable, and worth your while. I strive for this community. We weren't made to settle. That does not mean strive for success. No, this means we have a potential. We were made good. Lets be good together through everything I suppose. 

Since that doctors appt....I became silenced.

I've been disconnected lately. It is like an outer body experience. I see, hear, and think about my friends. Though I seem to feel far away, not as in miles but as if a wall as been built. I know that I have created this wall. I created this wall from reasons I am not sure of.

The other day (a phrase I love to say) I was remembering my mom. I had gotten back from the doctors and there I got my first check (and lesson) into knowing if I had any lumps in my breasts. That day was odd. Because it was another day that changed me. I was skyping my friend Shannon and I mentioned it. I didn't want to but I knew it was important for me to do so. I found myself on the verge of tears. I held them back and spat out the rest of the sentence, only to gain another one faster.

There are days that mark our hearts forever. I know that day will be one of them. I could just imagine my mom in the doctor's office being told she had breast cancer. Then my mom going home and feeling the lump while her kids play and scream in the background noise. A day that marked her forever.

Since that doctors appointment (that I knew was coming...and that I told no one about) I became silenced. I'm not sure what happened to my heart but some of it got callused once again. I find myself making the door to my heart tinnier as life goes on. I wish it wouldn't but I can't afford more pain.

I don't mean to be morbid or whatever you like to call this. I just see life differently. I see these events happening to me and to others. As you grow older I feel as though the world just seems darker and finding the positiveness can become a chore. Although, once you find that positiveness life becomes wonderful. It fills your heart to all extremes.

I have my own pains in my life. I have become good at filtering through things and putting them in categories. This needs to be dealt with now, this can be dealt with a bit later, this is nothing...just move on. Before I would just go buck wild with my emotions, granted I was going through a lot. But every single thing had to be dealt with all extremities.

My perspective on life has changed. The way I view people has changed also. I see people far different than I did before. My tolerance for rudeness is very low, I just see no reason for it. If you have a point to make then make it...don't be around the bush with rudeness.

I talk a lot about life and how certain things effect me. How that then changes me. My form of debriefing I suppose. I love life and I like figuring it out. I like to figure out how my friends work and how they come to the conclusions they do. Because even if we share a lot of common interests, we are different. And I suppose I need to know their motives in life before I become emotionally connected.

I hate that I have experiences a lot before most 20 year olds and that I need to take precaution before I step ground into any body's life. Though this is me and there is always a new problem around the corner. Being proactive about it has done me well.

Now...do I involve myself into my Dad's relationships with other woman that aren't my mom? Would I lose part of my mom if I did so? Would I only be stuck with the on going breast exams to be connected with my mom? (I think thats drastic and very morbid.)

Life always hits me hard when I come home to sunny California. And no one gets it. They really don't. No one understands but me. I can complain all I want but that will never solve anything. Instead I will be strong and I will cry when I need too. I will face my difficulties as they pour on. I will be nice and charming to the people in California that don't know me or understand me anymore. This isn't forever and it will never be forever. I shall pray and take action.

time..I will wait

Time.
Time tells all. It reveals how patient you really are. Time soothes most pains. It creates a baby in 9 months. Time, zones in on your deepest secrets and flaws. With time you grow into something. A certain number of days tells you when you will see that person again. Its like an unwritten contract with many problems. In due time. This too shall pass. The cookies will be done at this time. Waiting is usually parallel to time, as so is speed and slowness.

Time is very essential in our lives. We cannot grasp how God works in time because it has no bound on Him. But the bound it has on us is linear. Nothing can remove us from this linear line. It strangles us down.

I once thought that I could leap over this time issue. I thought that I could heal from my Mom's death in a rapid motion. I was so terribly wrong. It will be almost 5 years since my mom passed away. I still remember when it was only two. I have come out of a dark space and that dark space lasted so long. Though only time could of healed it. Last October it was the first time I did something for Halloween, the day my mom died. It took me 4 years to be ok with it.

I was so frustrated with time and how it worked...that it effected my relationships, my perception on reality, and made it harder to move on. I like dealing with things straight on and right away. I hate having them spread out. Because my mind will not stop circling the problem until it is dealt with.

BUT

Reality check. The thing is a lot of people don't deal with life this way. In fact most people I have encountered with don't. Those people have taught me how to be patient. To be patient with them and how they deal with the situation. Though of course certain scenarios trump others.

Time...here at home I have experienced and keep on experiencing at a slow rate. Life moves so slow here right now. My dad is constantly busy with work and the 100 of classes and dates he attends. So coming home to an empty house isn't fun at all. I have always known that one of my fears is to be alone. I'm not a fan of being alone. My heart desires to find someone that will discover the world with me. Even if the world is just my backyard. To be honest, it doesn't even have to be a guy. A soulmate of a friend next to my side will do.

As you sit here reading my blog think of your life right now. What are you waiting for? Is it worth the wait and time? Will you be better in the end? Don't avoid things and put time and wait where it isn't needed. We hate waiting so much but sometimes it is in our hands if we wait or not. Don't wait to tell someone you love them...feelings should never be repressed. Life is new everyday and everyday you wait to take action your goal could be drifting farther and farther. Don't wait. Because there will be plenty things in your life that you will have to wait on.

Over time I have forgotten my mom's voice because it slowly turns into my voice. With time my mind has pushed things in files in the back where I can't easily reach them. Life really sucks at times. We lose people. Then we lose some of the memories we held with them. We lose friends that once touched our hearts so deep. We lose faith in God and somehow maybe gain it back. We lose. Though I know I have won. I get up in the morning and face the day that makes me take risks with losing, gaining, and waiting. I risk giving my heart to my friends...I risk being bold and truthful...I risk.

So because of time I will wait. I wait to know what it feels like to not have my mother at my wedding. I wait to know it feels like to be so close to someone it hurts. I will wait to know what it feels like to have a career. I will wait to know what it will be like when I settle down. I will wait to see my brother again. I will wait. I will wait. I will not wait to say I love the the ones I love. I will not wait to be honest. I will not wait to experience life. yolo

spain, january, spring...what a time.

I found myself in my home in California...wanting something else. Wanting to be in Grand Rapids, Michigan. At that moment I had realized that I had fallen in love with the place. I didn't know that a single semester could change my experience there. I always kind of dreaded going to Grand Rapids when I was home. It was a place that just seemed so foreign to me, I felt so out of place there. My clothes were different and how I felt about certain topics were different as well.

This year Spain changed me into an entirely different person...and then Spring semester at Calvin changed me again. I met amazing people and I also developed better relationships with former friends. My mind and my body were busy with school, work, and people. I was distracted by chaos back home and things that surrounded me. The distraction made it possible for me to deal with things far better than I ever have. It amazed me how I felt pain differently. I felt it in bits instead of all at once like I usually do.

I look at my grades from this past semester. I have done far better. I know I have done better. Though I don't see bad grades. I see lessons that I learned that semester. I see relationships that I needed to nurture. I see myself dealing with things. I know that teachers don't see that and grad schools also don't see that. But I do and so do my friends. I'm not huge on the way grading functions. I don't agree with it and it really only works for certain kinds of people. I can study my brains out or at least try and I can never get more than an B. You know I'm fine with that because I know I do better verbally then on paper.

I try my best to wake up with a happy face because I see nothing for me here right now. I'm eager to get back because I found this love between friends that rare. I hold on to that. Life has thrown me so many curves and pushes. When you find something so great after feeling alone for so long...its as if you struck oil. Worrying about bills of every kind isn't an issue. I had some tough days during the past year...but as I look back...I had far more better days then bad.

I owe it to God...as much as I don't want to. I've never been mad at Him before. When my mom died I was upset with Him, not mad. When issues came up with my brother...I was again upset not mad. This semester I became silent with God. I didn't know how to talk to him anymore. The more I became silent the more I realized how angry I have been at Him. As I distanced myself from Him...he started moving in ways that I can only see now.

He opened my best friends heart when I needed her to just be her. He moved into my friend Marie's heart and showed me things that were incredible. As newer and former people started to move into my group of friends...I realized that were my mirrors. I finally saw qualities in myself that I didn't know I had. I grew a confidence in myself that I have never had. Life really evolved for me in a way that I wasn't expecting.

This year I felt like I added a few years to my age. I feel so much older now. I may not act like sometimes but when it comes to something serious...I feel older.

From my mistakes to my friend's mistakes...I have grown. I have grown with them and by myself. I have sought out what I want from life for now. My relationship with God is different now as well. I see him different then I have ever seen him before. I might be a bit distant from him...but I haven't found a way to get closer again.

lets see what this summer holds, shall we?

I Will Never Forget Your Faces

For a few days now my heart has been full. I'm not saying it has been entirely content but it has been full with mixed emotions. I saw my friends graduate Yesterday and I have never been so proud of them. I looked at them and saw growth in their eyes. I saw the overwhelming feeling of life in their expressions...I saw hard work and endurance. From that day I see them as older or maybe even more mature. They completed something that only a select few get to complete.
And then I realized that I may not see some of them again...My heart was mixed with feelings of congratulations and wanting to hold on to the past. Never have I felt the wanting to be in Grand Rapids until this past month.
I'm not sure what to do with that.

As graduation week happened and families came in and out of our house...I suddenly missed my family. Not for what it is but for what it was. When it was dysfunctional but my mom was still breathing. My housemates' moms where cleaning and living in our home for a bit. I enjoyed so much but it also ached my heart. That when I graduate from college it will only be my family with out my mom. The one who is suppose to do my hair and go dress shopping with me. The one who is suppose to come into my home in Grand Rapids and clean because she is bored.

Life has changed and life will continue on changing. I will continue to grow into my new life and the people that surround me. I will stop and listen to the pain in my heart when I meet a close friend's mom...then I will move on and smile. Smile for all the times I had my mom and smile because they still have their mom.

In a weeks time I will head home to a place where people know me differently and see me as someone else. There I will try to grow again before coming back to Grand Rapids. I will miss my friends here so much. This year has been something. I was in Spain for 4 months...and then I was here for another 5 months. For some reason my heart this year is so attached to them. I never feel the need to be silent around them or to push away distraught feelings. They have never made me feel like a failure or an incomplete thought.

God has been distant this year or maybe I have been distant this year from Him. This year I have saw Him in a different light. I saw God work through other's pain. I saw where He put me and where He needed me to be. Though through it all I didn't quite call upon His name...I flowed with the directions that opened up. This past year it has been hard for me to attend church. For one reason I work mostly on Sundays...for another I feel as though the community isn't fulfilling. I have been in more secular places lately that have been way more accepting and friendly.  I have seen more caring hearts this year...

I think it was very important for me to distance myself from church for a bit. To see what problems exist inside of it. To know that just because it is trying to teach something that is holy and perfect, doesn't mean that the church inside and out is holy and perfect. Flaws are in the people and in the human endeavors.

This year has taught me more than I thought it would. This year I felt lonely but I felt comforted more than any other time in the last 4 or so years. I met people that I never want to forget and I came so close to people that I have been wanting to for so long. I may long for my Mom more than I even know and I may feel discomfort around other moms but I know where my comfort lies.

I will never forget your faces.

When all seems like shit...remember simplicity.

Today or actually right now, will most likely be my only time to write. So I will. I will write even if I already wrote two blogs not so long ago.

Right now I live in a world that tries to be everything. It strives to be interesting, exciting, simplistic, cutting edge, calm, relaxing, "in", and everything in between. Then when the individual is looked at...it changes to some extent. The in between really isn't fun. It is the days where you are lonely, depressed, longing for something, and then you proceed to wait as you hang on. It is the time in the day where you look around and see that it is just you. No one can hear your thoughts and some of the thoughts are even terrifying to yourself. 

The thing is, when moments arise where you actually feel comfortable to express yourself...you seize it. You grab hold of the moment where all your emotions are on the table and you know no one will judge you. Tears stream down your face for several reasons. Its been so long since you have expressed this. It actually feels good to cry. Even if you tried not to cry...you are going to cry. Holding it back is like holding the water back when it was rushing in the Titanic. The water couldn't of been stopped. It was simply inevitable that it was going to sink. 

We live in a day as college students that everything is simply terrifying. We must do good once we get into college. After college it is a blood bath of getting the job. Trying so hard to just have your gifts appreciated. There isn't a day that goes by that isn't stressful once you get to the end. 

Though as the tears fall and it seems hopeless to move on...remember this. Remember that the people around you are going through something similar. That we are all screwed up. The idea of looking at someone as if they have everything put together is wrong. You aren't in their head. Your worst enemy is yourself. You're thoughts can control you to any extreme. When they excel, they can't be stopped. 

Today I went into my school's coffee shop. I was looking for a friend. I saw another one of my friends cleaning the expresso machines. I walked up to her and just looked at her awhile before she saw me. She has been through so much this semester. I wanted to just hug her so bad. I saw her face and their was light. I haven't seen the light in her face for months. I remembered everything that she has been going through for the past few months. My heart was filled. 

We act as though the world is crashing and the floor beneath our feet is crumbling. And sometimes it really is. We feel has though we have failed completely. Our hearts are forever alone because of how many other hearts we have failed...including our own. But and yes there is a 'but'. As complex and distorted life can get...simplicity is all we have at the end of the day. A friend making us a meal, a smile from a once broken heart, a hand that gently reaches over and holds your's, your favorite song that just keeps on replaying, an embrace that seems too good to pass up, a joke that is too crude for your parents to see, and the list goes on. The list is far bigger than the list you can come with...that is full of bad things. 

When all seems like shit...remember simplicity. God is in simplicity...believe it or not. When my mom passed away, all I held onto was the simplistic things in life.