fall

Fall

but there is another one right after that can be better

Today is the last day of September...and its only 1am.
I'm writing for myself, well for my heart. This past week was very overwhelming and I really just wanted someone to hold my hand and tell me it isn't too bad. You made it to the finish line and with success...
I got overwhelmed and I noticed myself lingering for comfort and for touch. I wanted that time where I can simply just relax with someone to the point that we are asleep. Doing nothing for nothing. Then today I realized that October is breast cancer awareness month. And my heart sank a little. I became so needy this past week and I understood why but not fully, not until I realized what October was.

I love to watch Parenthood. This roughly new show that just tugs at my heart and then makes me laugh.   Sort of like family. Well one of the characters gets breast cancer. I'm not sure if I can watch it this month. Maybe next month.

There are times in the year that I want to just scream and be held...letting all troubles and worries go into a scream and then feeling a touch sooth my soul feels right. Other times I want to step back and look at my life and see all the wonderful people in it. The wonderful things that I was able to do and I'm doing. I want to touch all the abstract things and ideas that are forming. I wish life was more fluid and smooth...but it is not. And because it is not..we have to deal with that.

We have to deal with things like sexuality, impurity, loneliness, dishonesty, overload, being here when you want to be there, God, religion, words that sting, eyes that kill, and the list goes. We have to deal with those things. I'm thankful for some of things...because life would be something different than it is now and I do not think any of us can fathom that. Those things are there and we have to face them.

This past week I missed my mom. I really wanted to just complain and talk to her and hear me complain. I know she would let me do that. As the familiar tears gently come down...it makes me jealous of almost every girl that has a mom. I cannot imagine what my relationship would look like now with my mom because so much as changed in the past 5 years. But that is fine. I don't need to know. It would only make it harder. I know got irritated with my mom...though I do know I will never get that friendship from her. I wasn't mature enough for it. I was only 16. So I push away my wants because they are unrealistic and will only hurt me more.

I just know that I need to keep my head up when life is shit. I need to know that being vulnerable and able to connect is important. There are weeks and more weeks to come...to make it better than before. And love and comfort comes in all its various forms.

This month might be shit but there is another one right after that can be better.

I've been noticing my blogs are getting shorter or rather to the point. Not completely sure what that means. But I don't mind, I like it.

try. sunset. xx

I have been thinking about a subject lately that I don't think I can define quite well. It deals with two hearts and two minds. It deals with missing the chance to be something or to be somebody with somebody. It's that idea or concept that seems to be at your grasp though it slips right through your fingers. Sometimes its tragic and toxic. I've been getting good at that. Not because I entirely want it to be but because it falls into my hands like a challenge.

I'm obsessed with a band. A band that speaks more truth and reason then most bands today. They not only write their own lyrics but when they sing them...it is as if their soul was imprinted on every word they let loose from their lips. Drugs, dancing, lies, and etc don't seem to be interweaved with their lyrics either. Which isn't so appealing to our culture of music. Though the bass line mixed with the sublet guitar playing as a rhythm of life or once was life is inexhaustible.

The band The Xx...sweeps me off my feet. Recently, I got rejected after something that seemed to me real. It wasn't a fabrication of my mind because the evidence was there. I felt deceived and led on to something that I didn't know someone was capable of. I'll hide this post from him so that I can be honest.

I haven't had a lot of chances to be rejected. I have been the one who was rejecting. I have broken hearts. I have made someone cry. Because I thought I was invincible. I thought my heart was untouchable. I thought that I could get whatever I wanted. This pattern of actions and thoughts encouraged me to be vulnerable with others. It gave me this risk factor that dug deep in my way of approaching anything.

After what happened...my third rejection out of the multitude of me rejecting...a calus grew to protect me. It grew fast and started to seep into the insides of my heart. My housemates have been incredible. They placed this wall around me. A removable wall but a wall to enclose my vulnerability, to recover.

I was reading my psych homework and I came across a definition of courage from the psychologist Alder. It is taking a risk and not knowing the end product and also taking a risk even thought the product could be hurtful. I took a risk with every guy I had something with. I took a risk to be vulnerable in various ways. When I read that...I decided that I could remove some of that calus. I could be me again but made anew. I could look at the ones who feel rejection more often and have empathy. I could put myself in that spot because now I have been in that spot more than once. I am not invincible but I am courageous.

I can listen to the song Sunset by The Xx and relate in certain ways. I could listen to the song Try by The Xx and say that I have been there. All of our break ups, rejections, and heart aches are different. They will be eternally different. But similarities will only run deep.

I try everything imaginable and I still can't soar through school

I have been reluctant in being prepared for school. I have been preparing for life instead. I am dreading the time when a test is scheduled and I have to start studying. I have always been a terrible test taker. I tried my hardest I can still not reach my goals.

When people first meet me they say later on that I was intimating or even scary. They also say that I am so cool. Most every time I do not understand this statement or where this thought process began. I get confused and worried. I've been asking my friends why they say that. Why they thought that or still think that. They scary part I still can't seem to understand though. For the other two, they say I give off a sense of confidence. I have my life figured out, I don't care what people think of me or say about me, that if someone has a problem with me I will confront them, and etc. I agree mostly with that. I suppose I can understand that.

The thing is I feel like the dumb jock. I feel like that kid in high school that is so popular but once it comes to school they are at the bottom of their class. I have felt that feeling since I can remember. Since school became competitive or something that is to be successful at. When the recesses stop and knowledge begins to be more fun (at times).

I try everything imaginable and I still can't soar through school like most of my friends. I try to get those high Bs and those golden As...but I can't. I step into a classroom and I feel so self conscious. I feel like everybody in the room knows that I suck at school. I feel that feelings rushing back into me...The teacher hands back last week's test. Everyone is expressing how easy that test was. Even I say those words. As or Bs are exchanged. I finally get mine back. I wish for that B because I know that I will never get that A. I take a look and sure enough its C. More than often it is D. It looks like I don't even study. It looks as if I don't care about my grades. My hand quickly covers the letter. Hoping that no one saw it. Im embarrassed the rest of the class period...

So making it seem like I'm not prepared for my last year of college seemed like a good cover story. Something to lean back on and pretend it was true. Go so far in actually not being prepared.

A prof struck my attention today. He talked about how he loved September. It offered opportunities to start new habits. These habits are potential habits that we will bring through out the year. So maybe I need a new habits and more confidence in myself that I can do this. I have come to learn that tests are not my strong suit. I can talk and talk about what ever I learned and even teach others about it but actually writing it down is impossible for me. I shall change this or cope with it better. Learn and then move on.

more of those weekends

I had the privilege of having a great weekend. Sometimes they are hard to find. Those weekends when almost every moment is fantastic.

I looked into my friends' eyes this weekend. I saw something in them. Something so great. I wanted to take that look in their eyes and hold onto it forever. I watched the old Parent Trap the other night. There is this part when Susan, who is pretending to be Sharon, smells her grandpa for the first time. He asks her what she is up to and she says "Making a memory."

Making those good memories for when life kind of sucks or when you forget how good it was. So as I watched my friends play in the lake...king of the hill that is. And I watched them as the sun was slowing down...I didn't want anything else. My body hurt from swimming so long. My face was tight from the lake water and the sun mixture. My body cold from the breeze and my wet bathing suit still on me. I watched them play and laugh and joke and be them. I saw some of their flaws and I saw their qualities. I saw the love they had for each other. I saw the ones who didn't know each other that well make an effort. I saw life happen before my eyes.

They made me feel alright. Like how I knew I made the right decision in coming early to Michigan. I've been a bit overwhelm lately with school starting. I just want to hold on to what I have now. I don't want to let go. I don't want them to leave or go home. I want them to be by me. I mean I got to know them and now its over?? I started life with them and now it seems like it is coming to an end.

It makes me think of that saying...some people are in your life for a season and a reason but some are there for a lifetime. I don't want these friends to be here just for a season. I will be as selfish as possible because this is something I want. But this idea of them going their separate ways, makes me want to pull away. Or to distance myself and attach onto new people. Because then if I do...the pain will be less.

Tuesday is my first day of Senior year, aka my last year. I will start that week with habits that will continue for the rest of that year and maybe the rest of my life. My conversations need to be more intentional and even though I tend to cling to being an introvert...I might have jump out of the boat. Stop turning things down because of what is comfortable. Even after Spain I still have problems with that.

The home that I made here is going to be one that will never forget even if I do try. As I searched for love and comfort these past years here, I didn't know that I would actually find it. I found it different ways too and different people that I didn't expect to have it. I see my heart yearning for more but being reluctant as time goes on.

So this past weekend was something. Something I won't forget. This year I will try to grab a hold of more of those weekends.

...that day special and worth living for.

"If I believe in nothing, nothing is going to get me. Saw it all once and it felt like everything."

These lyrics from Deptford Goth really make my mind think and search inside me if I once felt this too. The fact of it is, I have felt this before. If I don't believe in people, the world, life, or God...nothing is going to get me. I have believed in people, the world, life, or God and it all got to me...I felt everything all at once.

If you believe in anything, you are bound to get hurt. Your heart is bound to feel something. And when it does...it either sucks or is amazing. I used to have a lot of expectations in people. I put a lot of work into friendships. Too much work I think. It was killing me. I was let down and crushed by people's natural imperfections.

The world that I saw through my child like eyes weren't adequate for college life.  They were brought to a place that I think most people have to enter before taking on the world. The world has so much beauty in it; the colors, the shapes, the movement, and the noises. Though the world has flaws or natural imperfections too.

I believed in life once before this past year. I'm not totally sure when it was but I did. Because the fact is I saw death at 16. In my home...
I think I believed in life when I didn't have a sense of analyzing yet. When my mind was still immature; not too deep and radical. When my mind only thought about a handful of things and when something entered my life that was strange or complicated...I reasoned with just not having to think about it because it didn't bother me at that age. When I started believing in life again...I was in Spain. I saw the beauty of simple living and the bonds of a nation. I met someone who made me feel so good. So naturally I believed in life again.

God. I don't know when I started believing in God and I really don't want to know. Because it doesn't make a difference to anything. I remember hating church because it was boring and strange. The rhythms of church seemed to only suit my parents or those kids that just seem to fear anything bad and needed something to cling on to. When my mom did die though...I knew I had to hold on to something and if I held onto people...they might die. Although my human tendencies needed the human touch so I also dove myself into friendships, way too much.

God is this concept, idea, faith, person, being, theological debate, misunderstanding, people...life...the world...

He haunts my thoughts and plays with my emotions. He understands. I don't see him has this old man sitting on a chair with a crown on his head. I see him so much more. I see him powerful like the mountains, fierce as the hiss of a tiger. I see his qualities in the things he has made.

Did I stop believing in God? No. I just stopped wanting to believe in Him for awhile. I stopped believing in the people that went to His churches. I couldn't take them anymore. I didn't want to. I was tired of the judging. The picking on at races, the ones who drink or smoke, the ones who use government health care, the ones who dress differently, the ones who are the "church going people". Just plan tired....

I didn't really want to talk about God.
I've been growing and I have just become a bit more silent in my thoughts. I bit more softer. A bit more conscious of what I want to say. I wanted to grow up more and be responsible with my decisions and with my decisions they take time. I needed time and I need time. I need to just see the world as it is and not what I have been told it is.

I do believe we all need to believe in something because then what are we living for? If we just believe in ourselves then we are just pursuing life for ourselves. I want to believe that I can believe in something beyond me. Because I have learned that doing it my way only gets me so far. And if this includes pain and some suffering I think I can deal with it. When I reflect from my day...I can find more than one thing that made that day special and worth living for.

JeriLynn De Young

I'm impatience about a lot of things. Though one of them is when I get a good idea for a blog. I cannot wait to get out. I was going to do this one on wednesday. Although I have the time now and I probably won't this coming week.

I would just like to take a moment and remember my mom. Her birthday is Wednesday. I believe she would be 54.

I remember when I was really depressed and I would wake up sad almost every day. Or how my freshman year I would take a shower...I really long shower. Because there I was alone and I could cry alone. That year I cannot express how much pain I was in. Everyday seemed like a battle with my mind. Every morning felt like a let down. Somewhere I grew out of it. I pulled through. And now I am experiencing life as it should be.

Today it is hard for me to know what it would be like if my mom was alive. There are so many things that would of not happened if she was around. For an example, I am so much closer to my dad. The things that I think he would ask my mom or things they might of talked about...is what I get to talk about with my dad. I see him differently now than I did when I was little. I see him stronger, alive, and changed.

I miss my mom more than words could say. I miss her more than her friends do and I know I can say that. I miss her in a different way than my brothers or my dad do. My mom spoiled me for being the youngest and the only girl. I knew that when I did wrong in her eyes...it destroyed her. And I only know that now. I cannot understand how she pulled through for so long. She lost her son in a hit and run when he was four. She was diagnosed with cancer in the early ages of 30. She battled it for 13 years and proceeded to be a wife and a mom to 4 kids. And at some point she knew she was going to die before anybody else did. So of course if I did something wrong that was pretty significant...it would feel like an unbearable weight to her...because she knew that she couldn't be there guiding me later on.

Almost every single night there was dessert after dinner besides ice cream or popcorn. My mom baked us something that would last for bit. I would come home from school sometimes and there would be clothes laid on bed or something pretty. She would be at all my home games and sometimes my away games for soccer and volleyball. I remember when she was dying and it was one my volleyball games. She came. She came in a wheelchair. She needed to be resting I am sure but she was there. And it meant the world to me. I was put in entire game.

When I would watched tv at night...I would sit right by her most of the time. And naturally she would grab my arm and pet it. Sometimes it was really annoying and other times it was what I needed.

My house in California has her name all over it. My dad has tried to get rid of some things and make it different but really its impossible. She could of gone into business for decorating because she was that good. So when I come home here...its a lot harder for me. Most people don't get it. There are still a lot of after math from my mom's death. And there always will be. Because death is like an atomic bomb. The radius of what gets damaged is huge.

Here is a list of what will be hard or is hard in my life because of my mom's death:
College...I never get to call home or skype my mom. I never get packages from her...she sent Brandon and Blake some and I will never get those. 


My graduation...she won't be there.


My wedding. wedding planning...getting ready for my wedding...


My life story always starts with her cancer and death.


Mother's day for me is stained. 


Halloween is beyond morbid...haha kinda funny. ok maybe not really haha


For parent advice I only get the guy side. 


I have had to figure out this woman hood thing by myself. 


The list goes on really. 


Here is a list of what I have had the chance to be without my mom:


I have become independent


I have had the guts to spend 4 months in Spain


I moved from California to Michigan for school


I discovered me and who I am at the age of 21. 


I have been forced to learn how to cook on my own. 


I have heard so many stories of pain and suffering. I have been able to be a shoulder to cry on. I have been able to give empathy to many. I have been forced to look onto the world and see humans as they are. I have felt a pain so raw and intense that when some one else feelings it too...I get to have an automatic connection with them. 


Now I will never dwell on the fact that my mom isn't here, anymore. Because though this was tragic and it should never happen...I became who I am because of it. I met so many wonderful people because of it. I saw death and then I saw what life really was. I became me.

I will always miss my mom. In fact I think about her at least once every single day. And you can hold me to that. There is not a day that goes by that the only thing I want out of that day is to hug her and smell her. I don't even care if she talks. The fact that I get to touch her body is enough for me. I will never be the same again. Nor do I ever want to be. My mom died at one of the worst ages a mom could die...16 years old. But I have survived.

love you so much mom.