Because I know I will miss this vacation

Today. It is officially July 28th. In thirteen days I will be picking up one of my best friends from the airport. Less than two weeks. In three weeks I will be in Chicago and then in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

Now a time of classic reflection from the summer. June was fast and I really don't remember it. It was a month of readjusting. Readjusting to Escondido, my Dad and his new life, my friends here, being alone most of the time, and just a different pace of life. July was a bit rough, not going to lie. Plain rough. And now that I am approaching August...I couldn't be more excited.

These last few weeks of California will be entirely up to me. It's my Mom's birthday this month. I still haven't been to her grave. I'm not sure if I want to. I have to get my house ready for my friends who are visiting me and also get everything we need for camping. I will need to soak up San Diego.

This summer wasn't what I was expecting. I didn't have high hopes or low hopes but it turned into something I wasn't anticipating at all. What life brought me this summer has pushed me a little further in life. Sometimes I lose hope in the human race. With the people that are directly in life or pass me by. I don't have this automatic hope in people or this trust that they are always going to be by my side. I need a constant reminder. I am personal. I am clingy. I am solid. I am forgetful. I am me.

I love love love consistency. I found that out this summer. Consistency in arguments, thoughts, beliefs, ways of life, communication, etc. When something doesn't follow a consistent pattern, I am truly bothered by it.

I would rather be alone then be with people that are just breaking the surface in our friendship. I'm not sure if that makes sense. But it tires me out...relationships. When it is effortless or almost effortless...I am all for it. I will spend all my days with you. If you can't handle the agony that naturally enters my life, then I can't do it. This summer my dad got a girlfriend. My brother britt started showing his face again. These two sentences might seem so simple but what they bring in my life is complex and situations that aren't easy. Though this has been my life for a long time. Its way too normal to me now. To the point that dealing with it seems as difficult as finding a job.

So this summer...I have been alone. I have been so alone. Sometimes I am lonely and other times I enjoy it. I used to fear loneliness. I used to dread it. Now I don't fear it. I don't even noticed I am alone. For that fact I am nervous about being with people so much again. Because I am starting to need it a lot more than I thought I did.

With saying that. I'm not sure how reachable I will be to anyone that doesn't live in my town. Last three weeks of California. How do I approach you? How...because I know I will miss this vacation.  

Promise your home that you will love it just as it has and will love you

home. home. home.
Where is it and how do we find it? I only know my answer to the question. Home is where my heart leaps. Home is where I would do anything for that person. Home is where I can voice my opinion and not be shut down. I have been having a lot of debates with my dad lately. Debates about the colorado shooter, about the role of woman in Christianity, and the list goes on from there. I never feel scared to voice my opinion. Every time it seems to be slightly different than my dad's. And you know what? I'm ok with that.

This summer I began to be closer to people that are miles upon miles away from me. I also began to get closer to people that are 5 minutes away to right down the hall. Things in life seem to go a certain way and the pattern is unknown. Right now my life is turning. A different turn than I thought it was going to take. I am stepping in and dealing with it. well as much as I can. Though after this year is up, I will be deciding my future.

I watch and listen to my friends deciding as well. I learn through them...I try my best to also be there for them. Decisions are the worse. They really are. You are either decided between something bad and good, good and good, or bad and bad. If I decide to stay in Michigan...I leave behind so many things and people. Though which state is better for me right now. What is good for me right now?

I found a new family last school year. And that is something I never want to let go of. I never want it to slip between my fingers. I fear now that it has potential to. Not because love isn't there. It's not even close to that. It is life. It is the decisions and choices in life that will affect it. It is the unnatural events in life.

For three 1/2 years after my mom passed away I was depressed. It never got better. It got insanely worse before it got better. It tore my heart up and chewed on it for 3 1/2 years. The devil got me thinking things that weren't true or right. I saw people differently than I do now. I'm not sure what brought me out of that depression but I know when my heart and mind where isync...a close knit family appeared before my eyes.

My home will never be a house or a "home". My home will never be a smell or a taste. My home is that living body sitting next to me, on my computer screen, in the speakers of my phone, and in my thoughts. That is my home. Because I cannot survive with just four walls, windows, and a door...I need bodies. Warm bodies. The ones who hold your hand...break your walls...kiss you goodnight...and tell you that they love you.

My family is spread apart. My Dad in Escondido. Britton in San Diego. Brandon and Allison in Oakland. Blake, Brooke, and Alaina in Illinois. Where is my home? Where do I choose to plant my roots for a bit. I have no idea and I don't want to think about it until I have to.

Anyways, think of your home. Hug it with your mind. Promise your home that you will love it just as it has and will love you. Because there are people out there that don't even have one home.

Just little bit, a little bit of joy from the heartache

Its easy. It's easy to love someone far away. It is easy to love someone who is in another country than your own. It is easy to see someone's good side to them when they sit right by you, not saying a word.

I prayed this morning a prayer that I didn't know would be answered so fast. I am dying to grow and to grow more and more. I am dying to know more. I first prayed the prayer of forgiveness. My heart needed it. I needed to feel God sitting there and holding my hand.

I knew once I asked...I wouldn't know what I was asking once it was answered. I know I am smart and I know I am mature than most. I know that I am quiet and calm at certain moments. Though I know when asked...I will say whatever I need to.

So I prayed. I prayed for God to mature me more. I prayed for him to give me more knowledge. I take these leaps sometimes and when I get to the other side, I regret ever taking that leap. The hills are smoother and higher. The valleys are too comfortable.

Tonight I saw my past. I saw someone that will always have my heart and continues to cause pain to it. Sometimes I hate my major and what it brings me. Sometimes I hate that my best friends are social workers because I became this well rounded person who is knowledgable in soft science. I hate it because I see what I learn right in front of my face. It touches home...it is home. It pulls at my heart. And at that moment I want to break.

Life never gets easy. It never ceases to show you things that are breakable. It will pour and pour love into your heart. Joys will burst everywhere. And then it will give you heartache. Whenever I know one of my friends will experience pain of some sort. I want to help. I want to not put a band aid on it but grab them close...others I have to do other things. But I want to know for that moment in time their heart swells with joy. Because even if it is for a second...it is still joy.

So what do you do? Nothing but just power through and hope that someone or something will bring you joy along the way. just a little bit.

cannot help but talk about life

As the day arches over the moon and the green in the plants seems to fade, you wonder...is this where I want to be? Are these the kind of people I want to be around? Should I invest my soul into this life that I seem to be living?

Whenever I get on the phone with Marie Koster, we cannot help but talk about life. We start with are conflicts at the time or our joys in life. Although, the conversation changes into talking about life. Talking about how people react to certain situations. How we want to live. How we think we ought to live.

From these conversations I have grown. I rarely have friends that are my same age. Actually I can count on my hand how many I have. I seem to get attracted to people that are older than me like the moth to the light at night. I cannot help it. Maybe it is because I have been through a lot, I am not sure...or maybe because I was so used to being around my brothers or being the oldest to Britton.

I know though from these kinds of conversations I have certainly looked at life a lot differently. How? I have a lot of future scary things that a few people are blessed with. When I graduate from college this spring my mom won't be there. Actually, my Dad's girlfriend most likely will be. When I get married and if I do, my mom won't be there to give me wedding advice or to be walked down the aisle by my fiance. When I give birth to my first child, and if do want kids, my mom won't be there to give me advice that mother does. She won't be there to babysit or to get the pinkest set of clothes the store has. Even though I couldn't stand pink when I was little. This is my life. These are things that will never leave.

But...

They aren't here yet and some are so far away. I will never overwhelm myself with these thoughts. I won't let it happen. They aren't an issue right now nor should they be. I shall face them when I they present themselves.

[[I tend to make promises and ones that I can keep. I think promises are good, well once you can clearly keep one to a certain extent. I made three promises to my mom when she was dying. I won't share them on here. If you know me then ask me. So far I have fulfilled one of them. The last one has given me a lot guilt when I can feel that I am about to break it. This isn't a promise I can't keep. I very much can. Though the three promises give me this sense that my mom is there.]]

This is life. It can either fulfill your heart if you believe in certain things or take certain paths or it tear you down. It can destroy your love to live. Life will bring all the hard questions and give you the hard answers. It will strip your soul to the bear bone. It will also bring things that excite your inner most being. It will lift you up.

We all have this image of God and who is. Some things are distorted and others are right on the money.  I felt God grab hold of my heart and squeeze it. I have cursed him. I have cried to him. I have felt almost ever emotion there is towards him. He has brought me life. 

The plants grow in the deep soil.

bringin back the old school writing style...

[I'll just wait. I'll just wait for you here. I will watch the stars move by month and month. I will save my hands that are semi smooth for you. My dreams and plans will not change because I know when and where I meet you, it can be anywhere. There is no limit to my wait, though I know my patience will grow tight.]

The plants grow in the deep soil. Water comes and quenches their thirst. The sun shines as bright as it was made for. And some die and some are ready to harvest. I will quench my thirst with the greatest books, movies, people, and positive thoughts. I will find the light that makes me glow. Some of my unwanted characteristics will die off and fade. Some will grow deeper into the ground of my heart and mind. All of this so that I may be ready to harvest when you come by. My purpose wasn't for you although it was part for you. I will wait and grow. I will be modeled into the person I was created to be. I will soar and with you I will soar higher.

My head will rest each night for the next day I could meet you for the first time or the millionth time. I strive to see myself be a better person and then when you and me are ready...I will meet you and you will meet me like we have never met before. I will take you on and you will take me on.

I will touch base with your heart and you with mine. I will hold your hand when you are scared and you will with mine. I will grab your head in my hands and tell you how long I have been waiting for you, that this moment was designed for us. This moment I will express my emotions for you. I will tell you how great you are in hopes to boast your confidence. I will take your hand and tell you to stand for I know you are strong.

I will not fantasize about your qualities, your looks, and your soul. I will not let my imagination make you great or small. My mind is not in control of that. I will not lust over your looks that I imagined. For I know and I trust that my expectations will be blown away. I will see your flaws and embrace them. I will see your qualities and encourage them. I may never meet you or I may meet you. Therefore I will not try and make you into one of my fantasies. Though I will have my requirements to keep my heart safe until I find you or you find me.

So for now I will look out at the blue sky and spend my time with those who already found me.