In the journey I shall relearn and relearn patience

   There is one thing that I have to constantly learn over and over again. It shows up in my life in various forms and never fails to show the impact of the lesson. I tend to dread the lesson because I continually have to learn it or relearn it. When I got my first computer for college I decided to make this lesson my password. When ever I would enter it I would have to be reminded of it. I suppose it has helped. The lesson is patience...to be patient. I struggle with time. I struggle with it not being fast enough. I love getting to the end product or seeing what the outcome is whether its good or bad. For me just to know is satisfying. My patience quickly dies off with this thinking pattern. There are times when the journey is as equally important as the end. I have to be reminded of that.

   However, I realized something. It was a ah hah moment. I have realized how incredibly patient God has been with me. I have really messed up. I took a path of silence with God for a few years. It began in Spain and made its way to the point of Graduation. Instead of swimming in the arms of the Lord I swam in the arms of partying for a bit. Although the wonderful thing about God is that he never lets go. I met wonderful people, I met my best friends. I even came to impactful realizations of my beliefs. Sadly, I had given all the glory to myself. The silent conversations I was in became destructive. 

   I started to attend a universalism church (Universalism isn't my belief or my values). The people there are great. Most of the demographics that go there are actually well over 60. They have there hands in most of the nonprofit organizations in Grand Rapids. They also host a potluck type events after church. Their sermons aren't vague but they do have this way of adapting to any religion. I went there because I was in so much pain with God that it was my way of still reaching him but keeping my distance. I have started to call it my launchpad. 

I'm a fan of devotional books. I always have been. I'm strangely super picky on them though. My favorite is My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers. I took it from my mom's library. I have some others that I invested in as well. I dug this out...I'm done with my launchpad and its time to start work. It is time to dig as deep as I can. 

   I started to write a letter to God. I decided I need to figure out what this anger is all about. The truth is hurtful in itself. I admitted to being angry at God for my Mom's death, troubles with my brother, losing a close friendship, and mainly feeling abandoned by Him in my depression. Lot of honesty going on there. A lot of heartbreaking honesty. 

   I'm not patient. I'm not a patient person. If there is one virtue I strive for it is patience. I love answers and my love for answers overrides my need for patience. God was patient with me for some time now and seeing that sort of patience should be a lesson to me. I'm optimistic though I am fearful. It was easy to live the life I was living. The life of being selfish and completely absorbed with myself. 

   A terrifying thing I learned yesterday is how cold my heart as been. My heart turned cold hearted. I felt immune to feeling for other people. I felt removed from people's problems. I essential was an "ass". I started to not care about that. I hate that with everything I got in me. I hate that more than anything else. My friend, learning that about yourself is so unbelievably sad. My mother would not be proud of that. God isn't proud of that. What a horrible thing. 

   In the journey I shall relearn and relearn patience. I will feed off of anything that teaches me patience. I shall.