However to put the blame on a gender is wrong

This past weekend I spent some time with some great friends. I visited my best friend in Pittsburgh and for the first day I went along with her and explored the city. We talked, walked, hugged, embraced our time together and waited for the others to join us. The weekend I must say was inspiring for me.

I often experience traveling as my source of stress release. I find that my mind can become open and I can find new meaning in things. Part of it is because you really do not have responsibilities when you travel. Your only responsibility is to experience. So I found new meaning in having intentional conversations. However, most of the conversations I have with the people I spent this weekend seem effortless and even though the conversations can be intentional.

We talked about women, women's rights, unjust issues, our opinions, the goodness of each other, and brought up topics to see what others thought about an issue. I think that as my generation begins to become the new young adults I am thankful in where I fell into.

I am white. I am female. I am blonde. I am 23 almost 24. I have a black cat. I live with three women. I live in a safe but busy neighborhood. I am healthy. I have my B.A in Psychology. I have two jobs. I have a semi functioning car. I am christian. This is who I am.

Of course all of these things I am thankful for. Though what I am most thankful for is that I had the opportunity to be raised in Southern California. Not only for the weather and the landscape but also for the diversity. I am thankful for that. I also thankful for, and I have been having trouble with saying this but I am starting to believe that it is ok, having friends of color.

I have learned a great deal about life from those two things. Living in the Midwest has been very eye opening in many ways. If I didn't fit in in California I certainly fit in in the Midwest solely based on my appearance. I find that incredible....incredibly sad. Observing how people are here has been interesting.

There a lot of times that I am more of a listener and observer in conversation. However if the conversation is silent I will try to break the silence. I have listened to a lot of conversations. I like to take them in and them sink into my brain. I want to think about them and see where I agree or disagree or simply learn more about the persons in the conversation. I tend to choose to do this and no it isn't because I'm shy or quiet because if you really knew me...you would know thats true. I've been like this since I was little. My mom didn't understand why I was so "quiet", she mentioned this to a friend and after she passed the friend told me about this.

So next time I'm in the room and I'm not talking...now you know why. Anyways, this past weekend the majority of the topic was about women. Sexual assault towards women. I know three as of now of my female friends who have been sexually assaulted. I'm not comfortable sharing my experience more because I haven't told anyone about it expect for a long lost friend. I share that with you just to prove a point. You may very well know someone you live with, are best friends with, in love with, or whatever the relationship is has most likely have had some experience with sexual assault or knows someone who has.

The idea that sexual assault ( according to the United States: Department of Justice states Sexual assault is any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the recipient. Falling under the definition of sexual assault are sexual activities as forced sexual intercourse, forcible sodomy, child molestation, incest, fondling, and attempted rape.) because of how a woman dresses is very ignorant and wrong. This happens to whomever. This happens to big, small, short, tall, pretty, average, dark, or light. This happens to well-dressed, sloppy dressed, tight fitted, sporty, book smart, "women of the night", this happens to all. 

I have been through a lot in my life. My experience and where I come from have influenced me and how I view the world. I do not like wearing dress all the time. I like to save them for special occasions. I like make up but recently I am annoyed by it. I like men and only feel threatened by them if its a certain kind of situation. I'm not angry at men...if you know me well haha you know that. However to put the blame on a gender is wrong. To put the blame on how someone dresses is wrong. To put the blame on the individual who sexual assaults another individual is the only answer. 

I remember at summer camp or in really any youth group settings us, girls, where taught that we shouldn't let our male counter part to fall into sin or cause them to sin. I was angered by that even at the age of preteen. Because have always believed that I shouldn't be ashamed of the body I was given. I also believed that my male counterpart had/has a responsibly to not look at me as if I am a piece of meat. 

Conversations are the only way we can experience each others opinions in totality. To exclude an openminded conversation is like only being able to eat everything but vegetables. Leaving out nutrition. 

In the 7 years of this battle with my own mental health issues mental health is important to me.

Mental health has always been an interest of mine. The way in which our minds react to good or bad situations. These situations can be traumatic and they can be pretty pleasant. Every year for about 7 years I have written something on or before Halloween about my mother. I do not think it is luck of just circumstances that have made me not write one before this time. I was deliberate about it.

I have had a very hard time with my Mother's death. It has been a ghost in my life that haunts me so terribly. Most of the reasons I believe that it has been such a process is the fact that my Mother's disease began when I was 4 and ended when I was 16. When we are of the age of 3 we start to formulate memories. Our brains are mature enough to form web thinking. We don't actually never remember stuff...it is because we have no way of retrieving the memory. It is stuck somewhere in our brains however until we develop web thinking and a ton of other complicated things...we have no resource. Thankfully when my mom started to go through treatment I was at the age where I could remember...

It then ended on an age that is high in puberty, it is in this teenage stage that is deadly to all. There are already extreme lows and extreme highs at the age of 16. We not only notice that feelings about another human being can be there but we are acting on those feelings of lust. A lot is going on.

In the 7 years of this battle with my own mental health issues mental health is important to me.
I can put these 7 years into 5 acts. The progression of my healing has been strange and confusing. Though right now I want to share with you some of things that I have learned. These things are about myself and also what has helped me get through the rough moments.

• I have learned that I am not alone even if my negative thoughts tell me other wise. 
• Wishing that it was different is not accepting anything. 
• Sometimes during a rough night you have to do alone. 
• Being prepared is the absolutely best option for yourself. 
• Keeping busy isn't the best option because there will be a point when you will have to deal with it. 
• Finding what you are good at and finding that your peers think the same can turn into good coping methods. 
• Life giving you lemons and you making lemonade is real. We can't do anything with just lemons. I prefer making a lemon pepper fish. 
• Talking about it to someone you trust very well. 
• Talking to a therapist. They are paid to past no judgement and they also have been in school for this for years. 
• Friends. As we get older family starts to separate to different states or countries and our friends become our mirrors. 
• When you have a panic attack ask a friend to squeeze you very tightly. It makes you focus on something physical rather than what is in your head and the power of touch is very productive...certain chemicals are produced that act as agents to calming you down. 
• Pin point your vices and drop them as quickly as a hot pan. 
• Be honest in your words when you need someone or something. If you need to be alone. Learn how to say yes and no. 
• Find a new hobby that excites you. This is so cliche. But I picked writing and its apart of me now. 
• If you decide to be put on medication for whatever it is. Take it seriously. Ask a lot of questions about it. For an example, when will they affect me? What is it actually doing to me? Should I also be talking to a therapist instead of a psychiatrist? Why are you choosing this medication for me? How will we know this is a great fit for me?

Whatever you are going through that has caused you to have sleepless nights endlessly, that has made you feel very overwhelmed, and most importantly what has caused you to have the same affect in every situation, event, and moment (its normally called a flat affect, showing no emotions) take the steps on your own and ask for help.

The other night I was trying to sleep. I was exhausted by the nights before and needed sleep. I had to get up at 5:30am. My best friend was sleeping next to me and she was passed out. I couldn't sleep. It was 1am, then 2am, then 3am. My mind wouldn't stop thinking! I couldn't shut it off. The fact that I had to be up so soon was making me escalate. It started to remind me about the nights in college where I was so stressed so overwhelmed and trying to cope with my mom not being at my graduation because she was dead.
There is this technique at work that we use with LfAD, IED, and many other kinds low functioning patients...we squeeze them. We give them a weighted blanket. I thought in that moment why wouldn't that work for me right now? So I asked her, "Can you squeeze me really hard?". She did as I asked and 5 minutes later I was asleep. The next night I slept like a dream.
I don't think that will work for everyone but I put a lot of work into myself and the life around me so that I can live a better life. Most of these things contribute to mental achievements but I am so proud of them.
I am more sure of myself, I believe in myself, I know when to say no or yes, I can have fun and let loose once in awhile, I am becoming ambitious, and the reins our in my hands instead of on the floor where no one can reach them.

From the mind of a formerly depressed human being.

I am about to become vulnerable. I do tend to say vulnerable things on my blog. This is life and life only gets more intense as you learn about it. The more aware you are the more chances there are for you to get hurt.

A few months ago I was in love. I do not think I really understood what it meant fully until last night. It was mildly terrifying. I could still be in love but that is hard to clarify when I am not in touch with this person anymore.

I have experienced love when I was in High School for my first boyfriend. We were connected but our life paths didn't quite match up. Which later on in life was perfectly ok. I was ok with it and later on he was too.

Time heals all wounds is a dumb cliche. With my mom's death that is not true. It lessens the pain. Time lessens the pain when something is real, I believe. When it has real expectations in life, real emotions, real motives, real connections, and etc.

I was on a date the other evening. This guy, I barely know, cooked me dinner and told me I didn't need to do anything. I was a bit awed because this has never happened to me. Nor have I really let it happened. So I let him cook dinner. It wasn't too bad. May needed some salt but it was pretty good. However, there were moments in the date where I thought about my last ex. It sucked to say the least. It was so unsettling because then he was in my dreams that night.

I still feel like I can't escape from it. Love that is...I wish I didn't still love the guy. But this is life and it happens to so many of us. We find someone we can see being with forever and for whatever reason it doesn't work out. We have to deal. We have to move on after we have tried our best.

This new stage of my life is complex although there are moments where I am so in love with my life. My best friend in pittsburgh was going to see if she could come out for Halloween. She can. I am so so so happy. I am filled to the brim with love. My best friend in Chicago...is coming too. One of the worst repeating days of my life and I will see them. I don't live for these moments anymore because the time between can quickly turn into agony. Instead I accept these moments with open arms and an embracing heart. I will prepare the house for them. I will make sure their beds are made. I will make sure there is wine in the house along with breakfast food. The energy of my still broken heart is put into this and I'm overjoyed with that feeling.

I had a rough day at work Sunday. Some things happened and I was let down. Though I took that negative energy and thoughts and forced them into something else. I forced them into love and positiveness.
From the mind of a formerly depressed human being.

I shall conquer the evils in my heart and the evils that surround me deeply.

Turn me into a person who changes. Not one who changes for others. When my tongue turns into the hiss of the snake, numb my tongue so I cannot speak. The moments when I look someone up and down as if they are a piece of meat, remind me they can do the same to me in that same moment. Turn me into a person who changes for the good. When a friend hurts my heart allow me to breath and become silent so I can return to loving them. Guide my heart to the ones who will not conceal it but nurture it and let it grow even bigger. Let me make it known that I want to be a person of change. Widen my eyes so that my mind may be more open. Let it be open to growth and truth then be watered by honesty.

Let me work without time constraints and the pressures from things that do not matter. Please take the clutter from my heart and toss it to the trash. I want to embody simplicity and run wild with space. I want to be the one who inspires others for you and not for myself. I want to run wild with love.

I want to run wild with love and stay for away from lust. I want to runaway from the lust of a person. If lay my eyes upon them I wish that it may be to appreciate instead of lust in their presence. I hope that kissing, cuddling, four play, and sex isn't from lust or infatuation. I hope that it means something to me and to them. Not to just feel safe or to make myself safe or to make them safe from me...but to put more importance on them without pressuring the feeling of shame to take place. If I may lay single then I shall because I do not want to complicate my life more than it is.

For one day I hope to be a mother. A mother with her own children or a person who works in a field where the qualities of being a mother are needed or where those younger than me in anyway just need comfort. I hope to comfort. I hope to remove pain or decrease it. I hope to be a change and a difference.

I desire that my selfish tendencies will be erased but not diminish my self-care. Relinquish me for putting myself before and not after. There is nothing that can make feel renewed like you do. There is nothing that can make me feel more loved than you can.

I sat in church last Sunday. The choir was singing something beautiful...I do not know what happened but I started to tear up and gently cry. I cried for things I have been doing wrong. I cried for the way I became so entitled and so selfish. I slowly ran through my thoughts and collected the wrong. I put them in a box and brought them to you. I said here. Thats all I could say. That is all I will say.

I believe there is a wrong and right way of living. I do not think it is black and white although same things might be. I don't think it is endless nights of drinking or smoking. I do not think its wasting away in your room. I do not think its shutting out the world or make snood comments. I think its loving each other. I think its confronting the evils of the world whether its in society or creation. I think its hard and uncomfortable because ignoring is easy.

I never believed I would be set free from my depression. I thought that I was going to die in sadness and people would keep on watching it happen. This may be Too Much Information but whenever I get my period...and I have a lot of stressors in my life...I miss my mom. This month it happened. However, I know completely why. October 31, 2014 she will be gone exactly 7 years. This year I have grown a little obsessed about the creepy things of halloween which tells me the pain of my loss isn't nearly as great as it was before. As this day approaches for me it is like my New Years because I can gauge things better...why? because I have an emotional attachment to this day. I promised my mother three things that day and there is only one left to fulfill. As this day approaches I start to think about how I need to change as a human being, as a daughter, as a friend, as coworker, and as a child of God.

As I walk into this "New Year" of mine I shall conquer my wants and desires...I shall conquer the evils in my heart and the evils that surround me deeply. I shall uncover lies and sins of mine. I shall plant new growth and become who I was made to be.

It is as if it's my new awakening.

There was a color in the air that I swore I could smell. It as if it laid hidden from me though I was the only one who could see it and of course you too. Your presents moved swift through the crowds and the color floated in the air like remnants. I could still see you as the one holding my hand when I was scared, as the one holding my heart and knowing it, being my protector from the big bad world.
The clothes you wore were the ones I picked out. My stamp on you was laid on thick and you didn't even know it.

Time to time I'm still haunted by you in my dreams. You are starting to turn into more of a vague character in the distance. My task in my dream is to get as close to you as possible without actually speaking to you.

Your motives are starting to turn in ambiguous moves. The interactions we have seem cold and displaced. They seem so cold that when I do see you it is as if it is a dream because you never utter words in my presence or come close enough for myself to say something.

I had this dream last night that was as real as they come yet when waking up the incongruent events do not add up to reality. It was back to the time when my mom was dying. Her hospital bed was set in an outdoor theater. She was center stage. The people that were surrounding her were only women.  She was doing fine but the toll of the bells would soon strike and everyone knew it even she. I would come and go because when I would enter the outside theater I would sob. On one of the occasions that I sobbed...my mom looked at me and rolled her eyes. I left...I ran. I ran to a shipping yard in some harbor. My friends were eating lunch there and you were there. The feeling was horrible so I left there too. I finally woke up by my cat perched by my pillow staring at me.

I do not find much symbolism in dreams but that was a very strange dream I had. I couldn't comprehend what was going on in my dream even while I was dreaming. It was if I was cemented and all these bad things were happening around me. I had to experience it and I had to watch it.

One of my flaws is letting go of people when they need to be let go of. It is something I struggle with. It is hard for me to give up on something that I care so deeply about. I can't find myself to detach so easily. I've always been bad at noticing when a friendship is over. I've loved twice in my life at the age of 23. It took me a long time to let go of my first love. I was incapable of it.

My heart lingers like when keeping something, a sweatshirt, of someone you loved/liked/etc and their smell lingers on the clothing. My heart lingers on people. My mind can't escape it unless however I do not understand why it fell apart.

I've never been incapable of caring. I've been incapable of letting go. I have learned to transform the feelings and wants into something else. I capture it into a jar, the memories, I preserve the good then set it on the shelf. I tell myself I will only open it if I am able to seal it right back up. If I won't burst into tears but only shed a few I can open it. If it will help me then I can.

You know when people say during that time they were in a dark place....that they did it because they were in a dark place in their life? Well, I've been in the shadows. I haven't been removed from the reality I want to live in but I've been examining it from afar. I have been collecting the pieces and connecting them to the bigger picture. I'm in the daylight but hanging out in the shade. Well, I have been. I'm making my way into the sun. The rays that have touched my skin feels enticingly wonderful. It is as if I am being discovered. It is as if it's my new awakening.

It was time that I accepted some reinforcements

There is something that happens when home comes into your heart. There something that happens when it walks out the door as well. I don't find home in actually buildings or cities anymore. I have found that home is in the hearts of the ones that love me and love right back. I'm finding it hard to connect to Grand Rapids, Michigan. The summers are completely different than the ones in San Diego. I have to say I love my San Diego summers. I didn't know how much I appreciated them until I spent my first summer here.

I'm dreading winter already.

My other half has been with me for almost two weeks now and I feel warm with her here. I forgot how it felt for someone to care so much. I mean having them in the same room as you for several days. You start to notice so much. I felt home when she arrived. It took me a bit to unwind and feel comfortable because for several months I have been getting so used to being on my own. On my own with my feelings and emotions. I have been limited to a lot of things. These limitations have been great...in hindsight of course. But honestly they have made me see a lot of surrounding love and comfort. I have no idea what I would do without Daniela and Shannon.

The other day I went to work and pretty much had a classic bad day. Lost my breakfast...in my car. Unbelievably tired. Locked my keys (my spare because I couldn't find my keys) in my car. My body ached and so did my mind. I got home and found them on the couch all looking pretty. My house was clean. My laundry was done and FOLDED. The dishes were clean. And then they wanted to take me out to happy hour. Honestly haven't had someone do something like that in a very long time. Then my roommate was entirely gracious and drove me to my car with a set of keys.

Those kind of actions make me so grateful and thankful. I felt loved.

Life has been bringing me a lot of lemons....there is too much lemonade being made that I can't keep up with it. It was time that I accepted some reinforcements.

Sometimes your home shifts though I think it eventually finds its way into your heart. It eventually settles in and comforts you. It may be that you have been far away from it for awhile although if its truly home...it will never walk out that door. I have complete faith in that.

God's grace is in the air and I can feel it.

To wash away any embarrassment I have felt...

My life in the last month has been living in other people's homes, job applying, and then working. I just moved into my house, got some positive feed back from job applying, and still working of course. I've been trying hard now to transition into adult life...

Of course on this path of becoming adult I may view it a little bit differently than some but that is ok. I don't mean stop having fun or stop embracing new things. I mean becoming independent and setting goals. I would like to say I am half way there. I don't think I will becoming a full adult and I hope I don't to be honest. There is something amazing when you have the eyes of a child. When you can view the world more than pain.

In my college years most of them were full of viewing the world of a life of pain. Of course I was in a lot of pain so eyes were a bit tinted with disaster to begin with. I slowly transformed out of it. Though to be frank, I do not think having a little pain is a bad thing. It can push us to find the better moments and make the better moments. It can be a source of good encouragement to be better than before. To help us not to stall.

I work every other weekend so I attend church every other weekend. Although I know I need to start attending night church on my work weekends. During the whole move and everything I haven't gone in a bit. Today I am so hungry for it. I'm literally thirsty for God's love and nourishment. I haven't felt that in a long time but I am so happy I do.

Lately, things have been feeling different for me. The taste of "bad" words in my mouth have tasted, I would say sour but I like sour things haha, like fruit gone bad. I'm thirsty for the Lord. I've been trying to make changes in my life and trying to see the world new. I think working at a mental health hospital has influence some of this. Being surrounded by people who are broken and hurting for whatever reason will force someone to find something that will replenish their own souls. I do not think everyone finds it, finds something that may for the moment or for eternity.

Yesterday while I was setting up my room I came across my collection of mom pictures. I miss her as much as I did the day she died. It just hurts less, way less. Time to time I think about if she were to take a walk into my life right now, what things would she approve of and what things would she not? It's my mirror...

Monday I got a tattoo. I wasn't planning on it but my very good friend was in town and gave me an excellent price for it. I have the contour of mountains. To be exact it is the Palomar Mountains in San Marcos, California....viewpoint. I didn't realize how in love with mountains I was until I started to live in Michigan. When I went to Spain it was even more clear for me. I think that mountains are one of God's greatest creations in nature. They symbolize so many things. With God you can move mountains. With God you can climb the steepest mountains. With God you will climb mountains. Their beauty and magnitude is magnificent. I look at my body and I start to realize that every tattoo I have has a story. The story always comes back to one root. The root of love and most importantly the root of God's love. I'm trying to become obsessed with God's love again. Trying not to be afraid or even embarrassed.

In my transition to become an adult my move that I made this week in life was getting a tattoo. To wash away any embarrassment I have felt from going out of my bubble and into to the real world...and still being in love with God.

What will be your move?

I do not understand this adult life.

I usually have a stack of cards with envelopes tucked away. Some of the cards are just plain and others are special. They say something for a particular purpose. I bought a few awhile ago because there were times in my life that I would constantly make a handful of mistakes. They were sorries to people that I had wronged. Most of them went to Daniela. Others were for making people happy. I started writing letters because they expressed me better than my actions and words. I realized I could communicate better with hand written words than spoken words.

I wrote a small note recently to someone who was experiencing a traumatic event. While I was searching for a blank card I found one of the special cards. It says I.O.U a Sorry. Then you can check some boxes to express your guilt. The card is pretty plain but the font is beautiful as well as the simplistic blue border. I saw it and didn't think too much about it until today. 

I saw the card and teared up a little. I think I owe myself an apology. I try to be hard on myself because I am not sure who will be. There are times were my dad is but most of the time he just doesn't understand the full circle and I know I don't either. So we don't always connect on certain things. I dated one person who was constructively hard on me but we went our separate ways. My best friend is a few countries away.Therefore it is just me. When I'm on my own for a bit I tend to be a lot harder on myself. 

I realized that I was burning myself out. I've been job applying at a consistent pace for almost a year now for a job I can really move for. One that I can live off of on my own. One that I can feel independent and that my B.A is put to some good use. 

Life is weird and I won't be ever ready to understand it. I'm at a point where a lot of the people in the world experience. Living off of part time everything. Having part time jobs and trying to make ends meet is hard. I don't have my immediate family close by where I can come home for a meal or ask if they can help me move. My friend moved back here a few weeks ago and he went home for a weekend. His words were "this feels so good" to feel comfort. 

I'm starting to understand that life doesn't go your way. I learned that at an early age but in a very different way. I thought if something tragic happened to me then maybe in the other areas of my life it would be easier. Though I realized now I just understand a part of life that very few understand...I just don't understand these basic human situations. I do not understand why people have to feel lonely or feel alone. My former roommate's husband saw me on the couch the other day. He told me "Brenna, you look lonely." I asked him why and he responded with "no reason, it just looks like that." That hurt but not because he said it but because it was true.

I have a very hard time understanding why people aren't fully there for each other. I can't quite understand why people can't be reliable. I suppose I have experienced some hard things in life so I feel like it's my duty to stop what I'm doing when someone asks for my help. I do not understand why I would have to convince someone to "hold my hand." In last few months a relationship of mine ended and I realize I lost a best friend. Best friends are one of God's fantastic creations. It marks beauty, love, empathy, and most importantly a hand to hold when your days suck or their's suck. You are needed.

Although, I know the answer to well to this thing I presume to not understand. It's being selfish and busy. But I still do not understand why it is an excuse. Anyways, I'm trying to understand life after college and it doesn't make sense to me. I'm baffled.

I need to give myself a break and a bit of fresh air. That doesn't mean stopping what I am doing but to construct my thoughts a little bit more. To reconstruct them to be constructive. It really doesn't get easy but I have to start trusting people to be there for me, the ones who seem to be there when I call and not 2 hours late etc. I don't understand people who are apathetic or that aren't honest. 

I will always learn two lessons. One is patience. Two is taking care of myself. Its taking care of yourself that could be the most crucial part of life. It can look different for  everyone. But sometimes the last thing that gets checked off the list is our own sanity. 

When I try to embrace God, I always seem to embrace my mom a little bit more

I'm always wanting to improve myself. I think it is important to do at what ever stage you are at in life. Right now I am in a stage of life that most people say it's one of the hardest times in your life, your twenties. Everyone generally runs into it.

I've been trying to push myself and to see something more. Lately, I have been trying to dive into the love of the Lord. I wasn't being a "Beloved" even though it is tattooed on my wrist. It is funny how simple to extreme events can change your view of situations.

Today during church, I had a very impactful moment. The pastor was a guest pastor...he was incredible. I really enjoyed listening to him. He made me realize that I have been looking for love in all the wrong places, that cliche moment.

I felt something with someone this past year that I haven't felt with anyone. It didn't pan out the way I thought it was going to. In a sense it was like going back to the drawing board. Stepping back and trying to see what went wrong and then stepping back into life. I thought I would feel better by seeing other people but at the end of each experience I just felt a little bit more alone. I realized today that if I put that much energy into the grace of God...I might feel less alone.

At first I thought that this void may be the fact that Mother's Day is approaching. Oh how I miss her. Oh how I hate every commercial that talks about Mother's Day. The Hallmark holiday that I despise. Every now and then I think about what kind of advice she might give me. I reside in the positiveness when I think of her. I try to implement her in most of my life. She was a real woman of God.

With this mixture of feelings I realized I was sad today. The overwhelming kind of sadness that makes you a bit tearful. I've never found home in houses, places, or anything material in that matter. I find home in people and my Lord. I realized that I haven't prayed about job applying and the only thing I did was the internship that I basically have. Unpaid internship but it still happened.

I suppose next Sunday I might have some knots in my stomach. I suppose I need to continue "dating" my main squeeze Jesus. I'm not in the mood to dwell or be engulfed by life's troubles. There are moments in life that I forget I'm 23. I for some reason think I'm invincible to life's hardships. There was a devotional passage I read last week. It said to use Easter as a holiday for grief. In the terms of recognizing your grief and celebrating the very idea that it can be lifted. At the age of 23 I connected with that passage. I felt what Mary Magdalene and Martha felt, the grief, and then I felt the Easter happiness. Sometimes I have this feeling as though holidays are unnecessary in the Christian world because we should be calling attention to these events in every day life, not just one day out of the year. However, I disagree with my past self now. Holidays of this kind are needed. Needed to be celebrated. Easter is my favorite holiday because I learned what that day meant at an early age.

My blog entries may start out very sad and troubling but they seem to always end with a "happy ending". I try not to be swallowed by life's emptiness and then presume to be swallowed by the life that God created. I'm not good at this whatsoever but oh boy I'm I trying. When I try to embrace God I always seem to embrace my mom a little bit more. Figure that out?

So for now I am on the hunt for a mentor. If you know of any don't be afraid to message me.

life, eh?

I've been wondering something for some time. Life is extremely hard. I've been putting myself out there for awhile. Putting myself out there in means of jobs and many other things. I've just been experiencing rejection or just this half commitment thing. I've noticed that I fell into this trap...a trap of self pity. That isn't a way to live life whatsoever. So I try harder.

I'm exhausted from trying harder but that is what is. I call to a high being, God, to provide strength for me. To guide me into something that is designed for me. I have been running full force into half open doors. I'm starting to realize that half open doors are not enough. They simply aren't enough.

I've loved. I've lost. I've been rejected. I've been trying.

I think there something magical about life however. This entire day I have failed to see the magic. I have a loving Father that is paying my more than half of my student loans and asks only for love in return. I have just ENOUGH to buy groceries today. And even though my best friends are way down south right now. I have this beautiful thing called iMessage...and the lovely company of others.

I do not think I realized I was exhausted until today. Its funny how things appear out of the blue. I have often thought I wasn't smart enough or good enough....until I tried. I have always learned the hard way and I rarely do learn the easy way. I've had a 6 month review from Pine Rest. And it was the most loveliest thing to read. I've seen something in the eyes of my friends recently that I haven't seen before. I saw their love for me. I think thats a hard thing to see sometimes to be honest.

A person is very complex...I am finding out things about myself in the last two months...I didn't know existed. Its been a trying to say the least. But I have found when I believe in myself life is simple. I lost a bit of that today and it honestly a bitch. I struggled today.

We all have our life situations. We all handle them very differently. I think it is very important to believe in yourself. It makes the motion of life easier to deal with. Being confident in yourself is probably the best advice I can give someone. I lost sight of that for a moment but it is time to go and move forward.



life, eh?

Walls of my room spoke

Walls of My Room Spoke

There was a moment when my heart stood still.
I listened to the silence and noticed I stood still.
My eyes lingered on your body.
Either love was blinding or this was real.
I held my tongue for some months and watched.
Smoke left my lungs as I readied myself.
Deep devotion I laid in, to wake in deep emotion.
My heart stood still and the silence settled in.
Tired eyes looking at you and sadness back at me.
The moment my heart stood still to calm myself.
Leather on your feet, I picked it out for you.
The green on your back we found together.
Materials only resembling mundane memories.
I sat in the silence on the stairs to breath it in.
I forced the rejection away for me.
Prolonging the sadness till it wasn't possible.
The walls of my room spoke to me in subtle voices.
Whispering the memories they witnessed.
Standing still, my heart listened and lingered on.
There was a moment when my heart stood still.
I listened to the silence and noticed I stood still.
Either love was blinding or this was real.
You held me when it was over...you held me
this time you didn't even move, you said nothing.
The one stood still but I picked my heart up and moved.
----------------------

There was this moment in my life that I couldn't quite grasp. It took me years for my mind and my heart to be on the same page. I searched endlessly for answers. Nothing seemed to work because I wanted things to heal fast and they weren't. Time, it took time to heal me. It took 6 years for me to feel ok consistently after my mom passed. I had to work through I lot of things and come to terms with so many things. When I approach heart ache now...my intensity to solve the equation is less intense. I have become very comfortable with finding a balance. I have had to learn how to trust. Though I do know I love like a child so when things end I feel intense. I have a hard time calculating things out to make sure that its ok to love. However it isn't easy for me to find something that I love passionately like a child. For a simplistic example, I like a lot of music but to love it takes a "Love at first listen" for me. I will become obsessed with it. I have realized for me now that logical transcends into a lot of areas of my life. It isn't the first look. Or the first intimate encounter...a kiss...a hand hold...a hug...etc. For me its listening to you or it. The first listen. When I took time to listen to job I learned to love it. I dislike many things about my job. But when I listened to the kids and let connections be made I loved it. When I listen to people...a really good listen, I fall into a spiral of connections. I inter-web myself and if that listen is amazing, it's hard for me to turn away. I fall into loving like a child. Risks start to disappear...the minor negativeness disappear...It is like finding the full moon and the light it shines down. It's the light in the complete darkness that can guide you.

I have no idea why but I love this song.

In the journey I shall relearn and relearn patience

   There is one thing that I have to constantly learn over and over again. It shows up in my life in various forms and never fails to show the impact of the lesson. I tend to dread the lesson because I continually have to learn it or relearn it. When I got my first computer for college I decided to make this lesson my password. When ever I would enter it I would have to be reminded of it. I suppose it has helped. The lesson is patience...to be patient. I struggle with time. I struggle with it not being fast enough. I love getting to the end product or seeing what the outcome is whether its good or bad. For me just to know is satisfying. My patience quickly dies off with this thinking pattern. There are times when the journey is as equally important as the end. I have to be reminded of that.

   However, I realized something. It was a ah hah moment. I have realized how incredibly patient God has been with me. I have really messed up. I took a path of silence with God for a few years. It began in Spain and made its way to the point of Graduation. Instead of swimming in the arms of the Lord I swam in the arms of partying for a bit. Although the wonderful thing about God is that he never lets go. I met wonderful people, I met my best friends. I even came to impactful realizations of my beliefs. Sadly, I had given all the glory to myself. The silent conversations I was in became destructive. 

   I started to attend a universalism church (Universalism isn't my belief or my values). The people there are great. Most of the demographics that go there are actually well over 60. They have there hands in most of the nonprofit organizations in Grand Rapids. They also host a potluck type events after church. Their sermons aren't vague but they do have this way of adapting to any religion. I went there because I was in so much pain with God that it was my way of still reaching him but keeping my distance. I have started to call it my launchpad. 

I'm a fan of devotional books. I always have been. I'm strangely super picky on them though. My favorite is My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers. I took it from my mom's library. I have some others that I invested in as well. I dug this out...I'm done with my launchpad and its time to start work. It is time to dig as deep as I can. 

   I started to write a letter to God. I decided I need to figure out what this anger is all about. The truth is hurtful in itself. I admitted to being angry at God for my Mom's death, troubles with my brother, losing a close friendship, and mainly feeling abandoned by Him in my depression. Lot of honesty going on there. A lot of heartbreaking honesty. 

   I'm not patient. I'm not a patient person. If there is one virtue I strive for it is patience. I love answers and my love for answers overrides my need for patience. God was patient with me for some time now and seeing that sort of patience should be a lesson to me. I'm optimistic though I am fearful. It was easy to live the life I was living. The life of being selfish and completely absorbed with myself. 

   A terrifying thing I learned yesterday is how cold my heart as been. My heart turned cold hearted. I felt immune to feeling for other people. I felt removed from people's problems. I essential was an "ass". I started to not care about that. I hate that with everything I got in me. I hate that more than anything else. My friend, learning that about yourself is so unbelievably sad. My mother would not be proud of that. God isn't proud of that. What a horrible thing. 

   In the journey I shall relearn and relearn patience. I will feed off of anything that teaches me patience. I shall. 

its just what we decide to do in the fog

"write hard and clear about what hurts" - Ernst Hemingway

When you are dating someone the reality of them one day not being there is only faint in the back of your mind. The things that distance you from thinking like this might be because you talk every day or see each other every day, who knows...every relationship is different. Though whatever the relationship is like there are expectations and the expectations grow as time moves.

I've been putting myself out there all over again. It is strange in many ways. I mostly want to meet new people. However, putting myself out there post-college is the probably the strangest thing. Meeting people at bars really isn't the ideal. Meeting people at church could be a possibility but the stigmas of "church dating" do not appeal to me. Meeting people in a coffee shop is oddly obscure because almost everyone at a coffee shop is working on work or school. Meeting people via friends seems to be the best option? And then the last option is work. (I could never do that unless it is strictly not romantic)

So what do you do? I have no idea. I'm trying to figure out life as it is. I can't decide on jobs to apply to because everything is starting to just taste bland. How exciting is that?! So the next step I presume is looking at graduate schools. My GPA is close to crap so it narrows down my selections. Does that mean it makes it easier?

I've been running into walls after walls with a select people and then with a select career moves. Is it that twentysomething blues? Most likely, I'm sure of it.
As a half joke half serious gesture one of my good friends talked me into getting that lovely inviting app called tinder. I've been scoping it out a few times and every time I open it up I start to laugh way too hard than I should. I just don't understand how you can take it seriously. Have I dropped below the bar and now I am using tinder of all things? I don't know...but I think I am embarking on a new chapter of my life of not caring in totality of what people think. I want to do wood working so I started to email people for internships. I have no idea what that means but I suppose I might be making a career movement. Its never too late.
I need to start making decisions. I need to start taking more control of my choices. I need to. I'm calling up people I haven't seen in forever. I'm calling up people that need to hang out. I'm calling up events and groups that I would never do in the past. Maybe I found some weird form of courage while life seems to be changing. I am not sure.

I don't know what the answers are or if there will ever be a revealing of the correct answers. I've learned that I need to write hard and clear about what hurts whether thats my personal journal or on here. I need be fluid and clear. To not let the past affect me in the wrong way but the right way so that I can move forward to other things. I must push forward and make the hard decisions like maybe moving and mending a broken heart. Life will never stop being foggy its just what we decide to do in the fog.

I'm impressed with life sometimes.

Simplicity. I often forget that the more simplest things can bring so much joy. The problem of this is unknown but I tend to get so stuck into the bigger picture of things or I even get stuck on the wrong things. Usually the best thing that happens is that the joy of something simply gets my attention and I get so hooked on it.
I live across the street from a Baptist church. The church is always busy most days and I think the only day that it isn't is Friday. I'm usually the one who is shoveling the driveway or just spending some time outside. I have run into one of the care takers of the church a few times. The first time we had an encounter we got talking about the snow and he then told me he would plow my driveway and the sidewalk when he does the church. He told me he would look out for me. Now whenever we are both outside we chat. I had to to bring the trash can back to the house and he saw me do it...he told me "girl, you gotta let me know...I would of done it." I remind you the man is in his upper 50s.
The most simple conversations we have.
He has made my day a handful of times and I do not know why he offers his assistance. It is bizarre to me.
Time. In a matter of time most things get resolved or closer to the truth. I am not sure how this happens to be very honest but time heals most wounds. It's been almost 9 months since I have seen my best friend. I might be getting the chance to see her in two weeks. When I heard the possibility of her coming I cried a bit. I was so overwhelmed with happiness that I didn't know what to do. It was as if my prayers were answered. Some things aren't as infinite as we think.
This winter has been horrible. Snow just falls and falls and falls. Your car gets stuck everywhere you go and numerous of people's rearview mirrors are smashed. Though today the sun is poking through the clouds. The most amazing feeling ever. In time the sun will get brighter and warmer. In time the snow will melt. And in time I will be warm.
Catching up. This past weekend my other best friend bought a megabus ticket and came to see me. I needed her here and she came. The best kind of catching up is when it doesn't feel like catching up. It is simply being together. The best kind of catching up is not realizing it is happening. The worst kind of catching up is realizing it is happening and its a bit painful. I remember it taking years for my heart to catch up to my mind when my mom passed away. When I realized that is what needed to happen to begin healing...it was terrifying because I couldn't push or force it. When it is your heart doing the catching up it is very hard to accomplish this because it takes time and taking everything in a simple matter.
Understanding. In most situations understanding is like the rays of the sun. Once you understand it your mind seems to clear the clouds. My cat has been a very difficult one to understand. Her meows have no difference between wanting to play, eat, or be petted. However, I discovered something. I understood one of her meows. Its kinda of an annoying bone chilling meow. I hate it. At random I decided to pick her up and hold her like a baby. She stopped meowing completely and calmed down. She wanted to be held...I understand. At PineRest (mental health hospital) most of the time I do not understand the patients. I do not understand why they are acting the way they are. Until I remove myself from the situation and I decide to read their bio, I soon discover if I put myself in their shoes...I might understand a little bit more. Their irrational actions and words soon start to become understandable. And then work suddenly becomes a bit easier.
Not understanding a situation is a huge missing puzzle piece. Once that piece is found we might be able to create sympathy or even empathy. We might begin to act in a different way so that the other person feels better. We might decide to change our behavior.

I'm impressed by life sometimes. It may sound weird but I really I'm. The way experience, trail and error, and a simple love can change everything. When something horrible happens it is like life couldn't get harder. It couldn't possibly be worse then this and then it does. However, when time passes we gain something. We can skill and experience. Even if we don't handle the situation well or if we do...we learn. We learn from it and taking what we can get from it. I'm always sadden when I look back into the past and I see how I first responded to situations. I always think I could of done better. I could of cried less or I could of said less cuss words etc. I'm impressed...I'm impressed with the cycles of life and the unending lessons. I am impressed with friends and their incredible dedication. I'm impressed with strangers and how they can show us the most simplest things.

Dreams, I'm in constant awe of them.

Dreams, I'm in constant awe of them. I have these dreams. Three of them to be precise. They slowly developed over time for me. I didn't have these aspirations right of the bat at all but as I adventured more out into the world, they started to mold into dreams.

I want to be a Music Supervisor. What is that? Well, after I researched choosing music for films and tv shows I stumbled upon this title. It was quite lovely and terrifying at the same time of what I found. If wanting this job you really do not need a ton of education or any at all. It is more about who you are and who you know. The pay can be from 30,000 to 250,000 depending on if you are freelance or working for a company. I enjoy music. I enjoy finding it and imaging what situations or moods go with it. It is like finding the pieces to a puzzle and then putting it all together. When I watch a Tv show I am almost always listening to the music of it.

I want to be an expert in making wooden furniture. I want to develop that skill as much as possible. I want to sell it. My dream is to make a dinning room table that a family will buy and use over and over again then pass it down through out the family. I want my hands to ache from building furniture.

I want to help children and adolescents. I want my masters in Marriage and Family counseling.

You see the thing is I don't know what I will do with my masters. That is the complication. My heart and passion is double dipping. Is this allowed? I'm I allowed to be a professional and then pursue music and art?

Dreams...how do we make these realities? Are these even realities?

I want to dream as much as I can. I want these dreams to become as impactful on my life as possible. I do not want them to separate from reality but conjoin into reality. How does one make these happen? Where do I start? All I know what to do is research and talk about it. Find those connections. Talk to people who have no connection whatsoever to my aspirations and talk to people that feel the same.

I want to make difference in my life to the point where it punctures my lungs. It stops my breathing for a moment and I begin again. Journey...I want to. Make my heart known I suppose. I am not wanting to be hidden in the dark. Expose me world. I always ask to be challenged and life surely makes a big effort in doing that to me. I took a risk and moved to Michigan to be educated by Calvin. I took a risk and applied to the studying abroad program for Spain. I like risks and I want to take more. I want to so many things I hope I can attain my dreams. That for me is one of the most important things in my life. One of my priorities. For my dreams to be dashed or crashed into a million pieces would ruin me. Although, to not act on them is the same.                                                                                                                                          

I Fail to Describe How Beautiful They Are

...I flipped through the pages of a book that I would never of rented. A book about your twenties and how most people do them wrong. If this was my conscious decision to rent it, I may think it was pretentious. However, I picked it up and read it. It brought me back to a moment a year ago. The snow was still crisp on the ground and the icicles hung like spears. The sun was still shy from the Earth and rested behind the clouds. The dead of winter laid upon me. The weekend nights still clung to drinks and late nights with friends. The mornings seemed unfathomable and terribly uncomfortable. Waking up at 8:00 for school seemed more like it was 5:00. I was living a life that I didn't want to change. I felt anxious about graduation and the changes that followed after. Although every time I saw him I had this lingering feeling that made the end seem less real. It wasn't an  overwhelming feeling or even breath taking but it was like the small drips from the icicles when they start to melt. The icicles are there, though they do not seem to be taken notice from anyone. Yet the water drips, they splash into the snow, and when the sun comes out they glisten in the rays. Days soon passed and so did the weeks, nothing happened with the lingering feeling. Life seemed to be moving and making an attempt to be exciting. I talked to others and got myself involved in the lives' of others. I coasted along with my friends and did the same thing over and over again. The repetition wasn't noticed until hindsight. My mind did not linger to his name.

Then I noticed him. He wore a black and simple v-neck. I saw him for the first time. I took an interest in who he was, wanting to figure out what he was about. He seemed cocky and a bit full of himself from were I was looking. Although I mistaken that for a raw form of self-confidence. As the snow melted and started to release the grass and flowers from captivity, I started to make myself revealed. There was no science to this just a clear motive. I wanted to be the smell of breakfast that wakes you from your sleep. When the coffee tastes better at 9:00 in the morning instead of at noon because you cannot resist the smell. I wanted to be like the sun that shines through the blinds gently. I wanted to be the glistening dew on the grass and leaves. My approach was to be settle but then once it was to be realized it would feel like a hug that needed to be embraced.

I left dull but frank text messages for him. They meant nothing and they were suppose to mean nothing. My ways were not to impress or flaunt myself but to reveal myself slowly like when a cat brushes themselves against your leg and you don't notice them until it tickles. However I wanted to take a risk. I was moving across the country it was a risk, maybe even a foolish risk. It wasn't a game. It was noticing the icicles were melting. I waited for a response with no expectations...

    I never write this way. I suppose it isn't like me to do so, I am not sure. This might be a writing style or a way to push myself into a different form of writing. When I write a blog my intentions aren't to ask for help or to show the world how "depressed" I am. My aim is to be honest and raw. It just so happens that my struggles are plastered to the wall of facebook, blogger.com, and my google+ account. But this is my choice and I'll do it over and over again. For whomever my audience is I tell you this, I'm ok. I am fine. I am living. I am doing life. I am experiencing the life I was given. My blogs might be tainted with struggles or might seem like a desperate cry for help but what would happen if you posted your daily struggles publicly?
This past Monday I got in a minor car accident and busted one of my headlights. I stressed out my back from it. And now I have to figure out how to fix and pay for it. For the last few weeks I have come to the conclusion that I don't like my job. It is so med focused that I kind of can't stand it. I wanted to write about that. Yet, I didn't want to seem like I was complaining or that I'm still in this shitty spot of figuring out adulthood.

I discovered that life in it's self is a struggle. If I happen to be the one to write about the struggles then so be it. I will be the one to do that. Sometimes at the end of the day there is no resolution but you just forget that it was a crappy day and move on to the next thing. This week a lot of things happened that I didn't like very much because it made other things very difficult. Yet, some awesome things happened. I needed extra money this month. My cousin contacted me without knowing my week was not so good and that I needed the extra money she asked if I could babysit. My boyfriend spent his entire day off with me, without me asking. It was the day after the minor accident. Things like that make me feel special. Those are some moments I live for. The small great moments make me see the big hard moments smaller. I will continue to write about what I write and maybe some day I will be raw with my big great moments. Though right now I am not willing to publicly air that as weird as that may sound. Those moments mean more to me than the hard moments. I do not cherish the hardships. I cherish the beautiful moments that I fail to describe how beautiful they are.