I have breath to question and struggle.

I think I know. But then I realize I didn't.
I've been having these amazing talks with my other half for some time now. They have certainly evolved over time. The talks began has figuring out life but sort of bashing people who think differently than us. Now it has turned into something more than that. Taking a step back and looking at the human experience. Understand how someone could of hurt us the way they have. Listen to the other person vent in totally confidentiality. Though the main point of it all is to lean on someone and be strong enough to let them lean on you.

As we have fumbled through life and keep fumbling I have uncovered the things I tend to cling onto more. I have found the things I have believed in and don't mind someone knowing. This has been apart of me changing and maturing although it has also been apart of me searching for the answers. I have found answers through my studies and constant readings. Learning to dig deep and not being afraid of the answer has seem to be the key.

There is something that I have almost refused to dig deep in. Not because I am afraid of the answer but because it as allowed me to actually find that answer while searching other things. Every since I went to Spain I have put God aside. Was this risky? Yes I believe it was risky. Though if He is real and an actually god then I knew I would come back. I didn't stop believing in Him or refuse to believe in Him. I did however stop believing that the churches I have been attending were Him.

There is a saying that going to church isn't what makes you a Christian. I heard that and listened to it. Why have I walked away from the church for a bit? Because I didn't feel welcomed. I didn't feel at home. I actually felt like I didn't belong. I have always felt this though. I have just felt it deeper. Most Christians are conservative republicans. Most, if not all, Christian Reformed churches are conservative republicans. I thought I was too. Until I looked at problems or concerns in the world from a different angle and then looking at all evidence.

I found out one thing. I can finally breath. I have breath to question and struggle. I have the chance to actually look at a human being and not judge them by how they look or act. I remember coming home one time from Michigan. I went to college group one night. There was a kid seating beside me. My friend leans over and whispers, "Watch out. He gets weird and dances everywhere. Its really annoying." So I did watch out...I saw how awesome he was. The songs played and so did his heart.

Whenever I go to church and its during the worship time....I sometimes get nervous. How are other people acting. How does this church worship. How should I act? When I'm with my friends at a dance party...I don't even care who watches me. I'm going to jump, scream the lyrics, go buckwild, I'm going dance like I just don't care, I'm going to be free. Why can't we do that in church? Why can't I worship God like that at church without looking like I'm psychotic? The pressures are so great to not look like that.

I could go on and on about the pressures I feel from the church or being in the church. I can go on and on about how they make me feel sad and not accepted. I can. But I won't for now. Instead I will pray for something. I haven't really prayed in a long time. I have a shitty but also beautiful reason for this.

I wanted and want to see the rawness in humans. How some friends are there to the point you have to tell them to back off. Or their are some friends that actually try to understand, others that don't, and some that are plain mean.

I have a group of friends. We have never been to church together. Some go and some don't. But the thing is I have never felt more loved. We are way too real. Others can't really handle it. We have accepted our rawness because we have all seen each other at our worse. There are times when we only see each other at our worse. I've never felt this before. I have never felt this from the church. I have never felt like I could come as I am into the church. To God...yes I have but not the church.

But I think its time to pray again...not for others. but for myself. Because i finally feel like I'm not in a competition anymore to be the "best" christian. I was so tired of it.

What I have learned though is that God hears you. I'm not sure how or even why but he does. Things are complex and when you try to simplify Christianity...it ends up not making sense. The world isn't black and white from the flowers popping out of the ground to the identity of sexual orientation you perceive to be you.

So I have decided I am going to pray. Pray for change, understanding, open minds, and the hearts of people to be open.

.

I think of all things great

Later in the day I was beginning to feel a lot of sadness. It was overwhelming so I decided to talk about it. I did and I have realized a lot of things. Things that I'm not sure I have ever vocalized. Or maybe I have I just can't remember.
It's Valentine's Day. A day to celebrate love. A day to have any excuse to tell your crush you like them. A day to be dramatic. A day of forever alone. The national single awareness day. The list goes on whether it is bad or good. My week days are boring. There isn't a lot of exciting things that happen anymore in the week. Most of my friends have graduated which doesn't leave a lot of friends to hang out with while I am at school. This results in me being alone most of the day besides seeing my classmates.
Today I just had enough by the time I knew I was going to be alone for several hours. I have actually learned how to take care of this and have a different mindset when I approach these kinds of days. It has happen so many times that I am in a habit of it. Although, today was just different. I started to miss the way my mom celebrated stupid holidays like this one. We, her kids, would have gift baskets of treats and/or a new clothing item. This happened on Easter, sometimes St. Patrick's day, and all the other minor holidays. Then my train of thought drifted to the fact that my mom is dead and I'm going to spend the rest of the day alone.
I know that sounds so morbid but once you have someone extremely close to you that affected your daily life...you will understand. My mind just started to drift to a black hole. Once it got there I was terrified...
I was depressed for awhile a year ago. My mind started to think about that and I started to cry. I have no intentions of every letting myself get to that point again.

So this is what I did. I talked it out. I learned that my closest friends really know how to make me feel important. They make me feel sane. They make me feel like a person. A person who is broken just like them.

I also thought about my mom who had a chronic illness. She also was on the Price is Right. She was on the talk show Montel Williams. She was on the News and talked to while walking for the cure for breast cancer. She did make up for plays. She came to everyone of my home games even if she was sick and in a wheelchair. She made my lunch every morning until she physically couldn't anymore.

I think it is hard to picture Jesus on the cross. Or I think its hard to see a human being selfless and give unconditional love.

But I think of my mom. I think about the ways in which leaped over cancer and crushed it's painful consequences. My mom wasn't perfect. Far from it. But to me she was. Because she is my Valentine...she achieved so much and in the worse parts of her life. How do you do that??!?!?!

When i get sad I let myself get sad. Then I think of things I'm grateful for. The things I'm good at. The things I love and the people I love. I think of all things great.

It has been that space that allows me to dance

My last semester of undregrad. I'm not completely sure how I got here or what got me here. I have discovered and rediscovered my beliefs in my spiritual life, in politics, and what I believe is to be a good life. I have dug deep in my faults and I have also dug deep in things I find to be true. I try my hardest to pull myself out of depression and overwhelming sadness. I have put my confounded beliefs on a high shelf...and have left the ones I still can't figure out on the table.

In a sense I have found my voice although I still haven't. I have just found what I vaguely want out of life. My eyes right now are on my friends. There is a handful of people that I know I won't see ever again or that I won't see for a few years. My heart drops. My heart drops because a lot of them have touched my heart in a way that family does. I wish I had found myself freshman year and that I could of enjoyed myself instead of struggling to the surface. However, Grand Rapids, Michigan would be useless to me then. It has served me well. It has been like a pillow that I can scream into and figure out my issues. It has been that space that allows me to dance around deep issues and concerns...then settle down with one or two.

When I think of my mom's funeral...I think about all the people that came up to me and told me how my mom had touched their lives. I always thought there was over 500 people there but recently I learned it was more like 700. I have never meet somebody that has topped my mom in that way. I want to live up to be like her. I want to know that I have touched the hearts of my friends and every person that I meet.

My mother was spunky, raw, aggressive, loving, and so caring. She fought for her beliefs. I remember one time I wanted to go to my cousin's. I got in a fight with my mom about it because I spending a lot of time outside of the house on the weekends. I spilled the beans. I couldn't handle being home. My mom cried. I never knew how much it hurt her until now.

I've tried really hard in life to not say things to people in a way that might really hurt them, even if it is true. Yes, the truth hurts...but its how it is said. It is how it is presented. It is how it is intended to sound. It is the motivation behind it. It is....

The truth may be true to you but is it true to the other person? My life forced me grow up as fast as possible. What I should of done was to stay home and be with my mom. no matter how much I wanted to get out of there. Because there is a time for everything. And to see if it the right timing is key.

I want the church where my funeral is held to hold as much people as it can. I want to touch people's hearts. I want to hug my friend's when they hurt. I want to control my aggression when it isn't tunneled the right way. I want to love people and for them to remember me in a good way.