Today is the last day of September...and its only 1am.
I'm writing for myself, well for my heart. This past week was very overwhelming and I really just wanted someone to hold my hand and tell me it isn't too bad. You made it to the finish line and with success...
I got overwhelmed and I noticed myself lingering for comfort and for touch. I wanted that time where I can simply just relax with someone to the point that we are asleep. Doing nothing for nothing. Then today I realized that October is breast cancer awareness month. And my heart sank a little. I became so needy this past week and I understood why but not fully, not until I realized what October was.
I love to watch Parenthood. This roughly new show that just tugs at my heart and then makes me laugh. Sort of like family. Well one of the characters gets breast cancer. I'm not sure if I can watch it this month. Maybe next month.
There are times in the year that I want to just scream and be held...letting all troubles and worries go into a scream and then feeling a touch sooth my soul feels right. Other times I want to step back and look at my life and see all the wonderful people in it. The wonderful things that I was able to do and I'm doing. I want to touch all the abstract things and ideas that are forming. I wish life was more fluid and smooth...but it is not. And because it is not..we have to deal with that.
We have to deal with things like sexuality, impurity, loneliness, dishonesty, overload, being here when you want to be there, God, religion, words that sting, eyes that kill, and the list goes. We have to deal with those things. I'm thankful for some of things...because life would be something different than it is now and I do not think any of us can fathom that. Those things are there and we have to face them.
This past week I missed my mom. I really wanted to just complain and talk to her and hear me complain. I know she would let me do that. As the familiar tears gently come down...it makes me jealous of almost every girl that has a mom. I cannot imagine what my relationship would look like now with my mom because so much as changed in the past 5 years. But that is fine. I don't need to know. It would only make it harder. I know got irritated with my mom...though I do know I will never get that friendship from her. I wasn't mature enough for it. I was only 16. So I push away my wants because they are unrealistic and will only hurt me more.
I just know that I need to keep my head up when life is shit. I need to know that being vulnerable and able to connect is important. There are weeks and more weeks to come...to make it better than before. And love and comfort comes in all its various forms.
This month might be shit but there is another one right after that can be better.
I've been noticing my blogs are getting shorter or rather to the point. Not completely sure what that means. But I don't mind, I like it.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Monday, September 17, 2012
try. sunset. xx
I have been thinking about a subject lately that I don't think I can define quite well. It deals with two hearts and two minds. It deals with missing the chance to be something or to be somebody with somebody. It's that idea or concept that seems to be at your grasp though it slips right through your fingers. Sometimes its tragic and toxic. I've been getting good at that. Not because I entirely want it to be but because it falls into my hands like a challenge.
I'm obsessed with a band. A band that speaks more truth and reason then most bands today. They not only write their own lyrics but when they sing them...it is as if their soul was imprinted on every word they let loose from their lips. Drugs, dancing, lies, and etc don't seem to be interweaved with their lyrics either. Which isn't so appealing to our culture of music. Though the bass line mixed with the sublet guitar playing as a rhythm of life or once was life is inexhaustible.
The band The Xx...sweeps me off my feet. Recently, I got rejected after something that seemed to me real. It wasn't a fabrication of my mind because the evidence was there. I felt deceived and led on to something that I didn't know someone was capable of. I'll hide this post from him so that I can be honest.
I haven't had a lot of chances to be rejected. I have been the one who was rejecting. I have broken hearts. I have made someone cry. Because I thought I was invincible. I thought my heart was untouchable. I thought that I could get whatever I wanted. This pattern of actions and thoughts encouraged me to be vulnerable with others. It gave me this risk factor that dug deep in my way of approaching anything.
After what happened...my third rejection out of the multitude of me rejecting...a calus grew to protect me. It grew fast and started to seep into the insides of my heart. My housemates have been incredible. They placed this wall around me. A removable wall but a wall to enclose my vulnerability, to recover.
I was reading my psych homework and I came across a definition of courage from the psychologist Alder. It is taking a risk and not knowing the end product and also taking a risk even thought the product could be hurtful. I took a risk with every guy I had something with. I took a risk to be vulnerable in various ways. When I read that...I decided that I could remove some of that calus. I could be me again but made anew. I could look at the ones who feel rejection more often and have empathy. I could put myself in that spot because now I have been in that spot more than once. I am not invincible but I am courageous.
I can listen to the song Sunset by The Xx and relate in certain ways. I could listen to the song Try by The Xx and say that I have been there. All of our break ups, rejections, and heart aches are different. They will be eternally different. But similarities will only run deep.
I'm obsessed with a band. A band that speaks more truth and reason then most bands today. They not only write their own lyrics but when they sing them...it is as if their soul was imprinted on every word they let loose from their lips. Drugs, dancing, lies, and etc don't seem to be interweaved with their lyrics either. Which isn't so appealing to our culture of music. Though the bass line mixed with the sublet guitar playing as a rhythm of life or once was life is inexhaustible.
The band The Xx...sweeps me off my feet. Recently, I got rejected after something that seemed to me real. It wasn't a fabrication of my mind because the evidence was there. I felt deceived and led on to something that I didn't know someone was capable of. I'll hide this post from him so that I can be honest.
I haven't had a lot of chances to be rejected. I have been the one who was rejecting. I have broken hearts. I have made someone cry. Because I thought I was invincible. I thought my heart was untouchable. I thought that I could get whatever I wanted. This pattern of actions and thoughts encouraged me to be vulnerable with others. It gave me this risk factor that dug deep in my way of approaching anything.
After what happened...my third rejection out of the multitude of me rejecting...a calus grew to protect me. It grew fast and started to seep into the insides of my heart. My housemates have been incredible. They placed this wall around me. A removable wall but a wall to enclose my vulnerability, to recover.
I was reading my psych homework and I came across a definition of courage from the psychologist Alder. It is taking a risk and not knowing the end product and also taking a risk even thought the product could be hurtful. I took a risk with every guy I had something with. I took a risk to be vulnerable in various ways. When I read that...I decided that I could remove some of that calus. I could be me again but made anew. I could look at the ones who feel rejection more often and have empathy. I could put myself in that spot because now I have been in that spot more than once. I am not invincible but I am courageous.
I can listen to the song Sunset by The Xx and relate in certain ways. I could listen to the song Try by The Xx and say that I have been there. All of our break ups, rejections, and heart aches are different. They will be eternally different. But similarities will only run deep.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
I try everything imaginable and I still can't soar through school
I have been reluctant in being prepared for school. I have been preparing for life instead. I am dreading the time when a test is scheduled and I have to start studying. I have always been a terrible test taker. I tried my hardest I can still not reach my goals.
When people first meet me they say later on that I was intimating or even scary. They also say that I am so cool. Most every time I do not understand this statement or where this thought process began. I get confused and worried. I've been asking my friends why they say that. Why they thought that or still think that. They scary part I still can't seem to understand though. For the other two, they say I give off a sense of confidence. I have my life figured out, I don't care what people think of me or say about me, that if someone has a problem with me I will confront them, and etc. I agree mostly with that. I suppose I can understand that.
The thing is I feel like the dumb jock. I feel like that kid in high school that is so popular but once it comes to school they are at the bottom of their class. I have felt that feeling since I can remember. Since school became competitive or something that is to be successful at. When the recesses stop and knowledge begins to be more fun (at times).
I try everything imaginable and I still can't soar through school like most of my friends. I try to get those high Bs and those golden As...but I can't. I step into a classroom and I feel so self conscious. I feel like everybody in the room knows that I suck at school. I feel that feelings rushing back into me...The teacher hands back last week's test. Everyone is expressing how easy that test was. Even I say those words. As or Bs are exchanged. I finally get mine back. I wish for that B because I know that I will never get that A. I take a look and sure enough its C. More than often it is D. It looks like I don't even study. It looks as if I don't care about my grades. My hand quickly covers the letter. Hoping that no one saw it. Im embarrassed the rest of the class period...
So making it seem like I'm not prepared for my last year of college seemed like a good cover story. Something to lean back on and pretend it was true. Go so far in actually not being prepared.
A prof struck my attention today. He talked about how he loved September. It offered opportunities to start new habits. These habits are potential habits that we will bring through out the year. So maybe I need a new habits and more confidence in myself that I can do this. I have come to learn that tests are not my strong suit. I can talk and talk about what ever I learned and even teach others about it but actually writing it down is impossible for me. I shall change this or cope with it better. Learn and then move on.
When people first meet me they say later on that I was intimating or even scary. They also say that I am so cool. Most every time I do not understand this statement or where this thought process began. I get confused and worried. I've been asking my friends why they say that. Why they thought that or still think that. They scary part I still can't seem to understand though. For the other two, they say I give off a sense of confidence. I have my life figured out, I don't care what people think of me or say about me, that if someone has a problem with me I will confront them, and etc. I agree mostly with that. I suppose I can understand that.
The thing is I feel like the dumb jock. I feel like that kid in high school that is so popular but once it comes to school they are at the bottom of their class. I have felt that feeling since I can remember. Since school became competitive or something that is to be successful at. When the recesses stop and knowledge begins to be more fun (at times).
I try everything imaginable and I still can't soar through school like most of my friends. I try to get those high Bs and those golden As...but I can't. I step into a classroom and I feel so self conscious. I feel like everybody in the room knows that I suck at school. I feel that feelings rushing back into me...The teacher hands back last week's test. Everyone is expressing how easy that test was. Even I say those words. As or Bs are exchanged. I finally get mine back. I wish for that B because I know that I will never get that A. I take a look and sure enough its C. More than often it is D. It looks like I don't even study. It looks as if I don't care about my grades. My hand quickly covers the letter. Hoping that no one saw it. Im embarrassed the rest of the class period...
So making it seem like I'm not prepared for my last year of college seemed like a good cover story. Something to lean back on and pretend it was true. Go so far in actually not being prepared.
A prof struck my attention today. He talked about how he loved September. It offered opportunities to start new habits. These habits are potential habits that we will bring through out the year. So maybe I need a new habits and more confidence in myself that I can do this. I have come to learn that tests are not my strong suit. I can talk and talk about what ever I learned and even teach others about it but actually writing it down is impossible for me. I shall change this or cope with it better. Learn and then move on.
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