rejection at it's finest.

I sit in awe to how people act towards each other. I sit in awe wondering if they even know what they are doing. I do not understand why people chose this over that and etc. I wish I could understand.

I rarely get rejected. Probably the one feeling that I am less familiar with. It is rare for me to find myself feeling this feeling. Though I can say I felt it twice Yesterday. I felt the sting of someone not wanting you...the sting of someone throwing yourself right back at you. I can't go into detail about this because I know many read my blog. So I'll be vague but thats ok.

Rejection. It makes me feel so alone. It makes the people who love and support me so small. I'm getting used to being so alone here this summer. Though at times it kills me. I have been good at selecting the thoughts I should be having and keeping them...but the problem is keeping myself busy with things other than the computer. Man I hate and love my computer all at the same time.

This feeling just is unbearable. Though when I do feel rejection, I also do not feel the energy or the wanting to have that person want me. Not anymore at least. I've been rejected from my brother countless of times. I can't even count on my fingers. I miss him so much but this summer it came to a point where I just couldn't take it anymore. I gave up my control and moved on. I stopped rejecting the the rejection.

Every time I go home something has changed. Its a drastic change. It is always chaotic or difficult. It captures my heart and just tears at it. I remember waking up in the mornings and looking outside...crying. Just literally crying and then wiping the tears away and trying to move on. I don't want to remember the pain. Thats just morbid.

This summer there is still a lot of change. More than I was planning. A lot more than I was preparing myself for. It was like I walked in on my surprise birthday party...
Though the way I am dealing with it is a lot different. Its almost like black and white. And I know for various reasons why. I owe it to the ones who saw my heart and didn't reject it in any way. The ones who grabbed on and held on. The ones who brought their problems to me and I brought mine to them. The ones who held me when I just needed to cry a little.

I'm dealing with rejection a lot better than I gave myself credit. In life it isn't a good idea to compare. What was better and what was worse...what pleased and what pleased better...though there are exceptions. I looked at who supported me now and continues to do so...I compared that with the people who rejected me. I feel so blessed I cried a bit while writing this.

I really hope I'm known for being honest cause then this is going to sound horrible. haha. I don't tend to lie. It really isn't my "fall back." It just hurts yourself in the end. Though I know I have been known to be manipulative...which is a weird complex form of lying. Saying or doing things to get your way...and those things sometimes don't hold complete truth in them. Its like when someone says they are kidding...well probably 90% of what they said is true and 10% was kidding. Manipulation can be the same thing, 10% is true and 90% is a huge guilt trip.

I found out by limiting the manipulation skills I have...I become less likely to be rejected.
So for the other part of rejection that doesn't even deal with manipulation, I have to view it as another door closing. Another path to follow. Another person to get emotionally involved with that is probably better for me. Another perspective.

I can think of four people that I can actually talk like this out loud and have to with holdings. The ones that I never fear rejection. And if I have been rejected from them once or twice...I love them too much to find another door. I encourage anyone to find two or more people that you can do this with and say that too.

I talk to myself way to much and justify it by talking to kitty

"Our attitudes need adjustment with every change that comes into our lives. Everyone encounters storms and dry wells in life, which threaten to wreck our attitude. The secret to safe arrival is to continually adjust your perspective."

Life, I cannot explain and I will never try. God allows turmoil and happiness all at the same time. Our parents die, we need emergency surgery, our friend doesn't like us anymore, your sibling is living in a completely different world than your family, the sky casts grey over head and it won't go away, the job you were hoping to get was given to someone else, and just fill in the blank with something negative.

Things that can't be explained rush into our lives all the time. It can be the most simplistic negative situation or it can be rather complex, but it still comes. We still have to face it. Though our choice is in how we face it. How we face it determines the rest of our life. A bit dramatic but in the long run it is true. 

I could of stayed in Michigan for the summer. It was an option. I decided to go home. When I came home things happened. Events started to take place and a lot of them I did not like. In fact I kind of hated them. I honestly don't hang out with a lot of people or anyone while I am home now. Its rather not by choice but by circumstance. This puts a weird solitude in my days. I hate it. I hate being alone this much and experiencing loneliness. It is not because I am uncomfortable with myself, it is because I crave community. I want my voice to be heard. I have noticed that I sing louder in the car now. I talk to myself way to much and justify it by talking to kitty. 

Though maybe my hatred needs to be changed into a newer view. Maybe I need this quietness to reflect on things I haven't done before. Read the books I want to read so badly. Make that piece of artwork I have longed to make. Take those pictures I've been wanting to shoot. Develop my blog better. Work on me more. Bake a cake to perfection. Love my Dad more. 

I want community. But maybe this time will be for me. A time where I can be better for my community.  I'm always terribly nervous for this time. I get sucked into my thoughts, my lonely thoughts. So then I find a great song. That is quiet and has a sweet melody to calm my head. A voice that seems angelic. I recently heard this song: Once Upon Another Time by Sara Bareilles. 

My dad often asks me for advice. Well often as I mean every time he needs advice. I listen to his words and then put in my honest opinion. I thought that this was absurd sometimes because I took it really personally...in a way that tired me out. I was honored but I also felt strange. I'm 21 and my dad is 59. I thought he had more experience in life. I pause and think. Maybe I'm blessed with something...haha I have no idea. Once I changed my attitude, it never bothered me so much. 

I walk along this path of life. I make choices and decisions. Some have been very good and others have made me learn the hard way. I'm tired of impressing people, of fitting in, of looking my best (others' best), and I'm tired of being treated as tough. I may seem like it. But really to be honest...Its not so much about being tough. It is about dealing with things. It is seeing things differently. It is allowing yourself to feel the pain or love...then moving to the next step. It is about making better choices than foolish ones. We all want to be comforted, loved, given attention, and we want it now. Its not that simple. Be independent first. Be you, your own person. Make life happen. 

I have noticed that in life you naturally become better friends with people that have struggled to some degree as your own. Or they take this genuine concern and aren't afraid of given you words. I have met a lot of people in my last three years of life. My heart grows fonder of the times when your new friend tells you about some hardship. Because once that happens you seem to look at them differently. Your eyes fall upon them like a single flower in a wheat field. For the moments to come in that relationship...they seem more fun, more enjoyable, and worth your while. I strive for this community. We weren't made to settle. That does not mean strive for success. No, this means we have a potential. We were made good. Lets be good together through everything I suppose. 

Since that doctors appt....I became silenced.

I've been disconnected lately. It is like an outer body experience. I see, hear, and think about my friends. Though I seem to feel far away, not as in miles but as if a wall as been built. I know that I have created this wall. I created this wall from reasons I am not sure of.

The other day (a phrase I love to say) I was remembering my mom. I had gotten back from the doctors and there I got my first check (and lesson) into knowing if I had any lumps in my breasts. That day was odd. Because it was another day that changed me. I was skyping my friend Shannon and I mentioned it. I didn't want to but I knew it was important for me to do so. I found myself on the verge of tears. I held them back and spat out the rest of the sentence, only to gain another one faster.

There are days that mark our hearts forever. I know that day will be one of them. I could just imagine my mom in the doctor's office being told she had breast cancer. Then my mom going home and feeling the lump while her kids play and scream in the background noise. A day that marked her forever.

Since that doctors appointment (that I knew was coming...and that I told no one about) I became silenced. I'm not sure what happened to my heart but some of it got callused once again. I find myself making the door to my heart tinnier as life goes on. I wish it wouldn't but I can't afford more pain.

I don't mean to be morbid or whatever you like to call this. I just see life differently. I see these events happening to me and to others. As you grow older I feel as though the world just seems darker and finding the positiveness can become a chore. Although, once you find that positiveness life becomes wonderful. It fills your heart to all extremes.

I have my own pains in my life. I have become good at filtering through things and putting them in categories. This needs to be dealt with now, this can be dealt with a bit later, this is nothing...just move on. Before I would just go buck wild with my emotions, granted I was going through a lot. But every single thing had to be dealt with all extremities.

My perspective on life has changed. The way I view people has changed also. I see people far different than I did before. My tolerance for rudeness is very low, I just see no reason for it. If you have a point to make then make it...don't be around the bush with rudeness.

I talk a lot about life and how certain things effect me. How that then changes me. My form of debriefing I suppose. I love life and I like figuring it out. I like to figure out how my friends work and how they come to the conclusions they do. Because even if we share a lot of common interests, we are different. And I suppose I need to know their motives in life before I become emotionally connected.

I hate that I have experiences a lot before most 20 year olds and that I need to take precaution before I step ground into any body's life. Though this is me and there is always a new problem around the corner. Being proactive about it has done me well.

Now...do I involve myself into my Dad's relationships with other woman that aren't my mom? Would I lose part of my mom if I did so? Would I only be stuck with the on going breast exams to be connected with my mom? (I think thats drastic and very morbid.)

Life always hits me hard when I come home to sunny California. And no one gets it. They really don't. No one understands but me. I can complain all I want but that will never solve anything. Instead I will be strong and I will cry when I need too. I will face my difficulties as they pour on. I will be nice and charming to the people in California that don't know me or understand me anymore. This isn't forever and it will never be forever. I shall pray and take action.

time..I will wait

Time.
Time tells all. It reveals how patient you really are. Time soothes most pains. It creates a baby in 9 months. Time, zones in on your deepest secrets and flaws. With time you grow into something. A certain number of days tells you when you will see that person again. Its like an unwritten contract with many problems. In due time. This too shall pass. The cookies will be done at this time. Waiting is usually parallel to time, as so is speed and slowness.

Time is very essential in our lives. We cannot grasp how God works in time because it has no bound on Him. But the bound it has on us is linear. Nothing can remove us from this linear line. It strangles us down.

I once thought that I could leap over this time issue. I thought that I could heal from my Mom's death in a rapid motion. I was so terribly wrong. It will be almost 5 years since my mom passed away. I still remember when it was only two. I have come out of a dark space and that dark space lasted so long. Though only time could of healed it. Last October it was the first time I did something for Halloween, the day my mom died. It took me 4 years to be ok with it.

I was so frustrated with time and how it worked...that it effected my relationships, my perception on reality, and made it harder to move on. I like dealing with things straight on and right away. I hate having them spread out. Because my mind will not stop circling the problem until it is dealt with.

BUT

Reality check. The thing is a lot of people don't deal with life this way. In fact most people I have encountered with don't. Those people have taught me how to be patient. To be patient with them and how they deal with the situation. Though of course certain scenarios trump others.

Time...here at home I have experienced and keep on experiencing at a slow rate. Life moves so slow here right now. My dad is constantly busy with work and the 100 of classes and dates he attends. So coming home to an empty house isn't fun at all. I have always known that one of my fears is to be alone. I'm not a fan of being alone. My heart desires to find someone that will discover the world with me. Even if the world is just my backyard. To be honest, it doesn't even have to be a guy. A soulmate of a friend next to my side will do.

As you sit here reading my blog think of your life right now. What are you waiting for? Is it worth the wait and time? Will you be better in the end? Don't avoid things and put time and wait where it isn't needed. We hate waiting so much but sometimes it is in our hands if we wait or not. Don't wait to tell someone you love them...feelings should never be repressed. Life is new everyday and everyday you wait to take action your goal could be drifting farther and farther. Don't wait. Because there will be plenty things in your life that you will have to wait on.

Over time I have forgotten my mom's voice because it slowly turns into my voice. With time my mind has pushed things in files in the back where I can't easily reach them. Life really sucks at times. We lose people. Then we lose some of the memories we held with them. We lose friends that once touched our hearts so deep. We lose faith in God and somehow maybe gain it back. We lose. Though I know I have won. I get up in the morning and face the day that makes me take risks with losing, gaining, and waiting. I risk giving my heart to my friends...I risk being bold and truthful...I risk.

So because of time I will wait. I wait to know what it feels like to not have my mother at my wedding. I wait to know it feels like to be so close to someone it hurts. I will wait to know what it feels like to have a career. I will wait to know what it will be like when I settle down. I will wait to see my brother again. I will wait. I will wait. I will not wait to say I love the the ones I love. I will not wait to be honest. I will not wait to experience life. yolo