We Found Love...in a hopeless place

This year...this semester. I don't want it to end. I'm expected to write a paper right now but I just can't seem to get into it. I'm listening to We Found Love by Rihanna, maybe only some of you like it or some of you probably don't even listen to the song. 

When ever my group of friends go out for the night to dance...and this song comes on...we go buck wild. That is the only way to put it. 

This year has been a year that I won't forget. I have struggled, fought, loved, cried, crawled, ran, made bad decisions and made good ones...I will never regret the things that happened this year. I commit to all the decisions I have made. 

Its funny how you can listen to one song and instantly memories shoot out like fireworks. There is nothing more amazing when those memories are nothing but good. We Found Love by Rihanna makes me think of so many amazing people I either met this year or have been friends with for awhile now. I can't seem but to just smile and dance with my memories when that song comes on through the car speakers, headphones, computer, or the party going on that Friday. 

When I left Spain and came home to San Diego, I was nervous about coming to Grand Rapids again. So many people changed and developed something different in their lives. My housemates already lived together for 3 semesters. I was the newb coming in. I was the new girl in the social group...I was nervous that I would be put on the outside for being gone for so long. I wouldn't get the inside jokes that were just made or I wouldn't know many faces. 

I have no idea why I was so nervous once I arrived in Grand Rapids. I remember sitting at the train station and it was so cold. I was waiting for my friends to come get me. I hadn't seem them in 7 months. I barely talked to them during that time as well. They drove up and just gave me the most embracing hugs ever. I could hardly put my stuff in the car. Daniela kept looking back at me from the front seat to the back seat. It was like I was fake or some kind of fantasy to them. They quickly caught me up and expressed their love and caring thoughts to me. 

I just sat in aw. I was dumb founded. One of my biggest flaws of when I get close to someone is knowing and keep knowing that they love me. Just because I do something wrong or they don't give me "enough" attention means that they don't love me. I have been working on this this past year. Daniela has been my right hand man in it all. She grabs me by the face and pulls it close to her's. So close that our noses could touch. She tells me "I love you, Brenna." And sometimes she tells me to repeat after her, "Daniela loves you." 

When you are so far away from home, the ones that make you feel you...are your close friends. There has been some family things going on and the other night I broke down because I was so frustrated and irritated. As I told my housemates what was going on, Christine shared some things with me about her family. I hold onto that moment and I will never let it go. I believe in soul mates...I believe you can have different kinds of soul mates, so different kinds of loves. There can be numerous soul mates in your life. When it comes to friends, there are definitely soul mates too. I found my soul mates freshman year and this year as well. 

So when We Found Love is played I think of it as many different kinds of loves. In this world today its almost impossible to find love...finding love in a hopeless place. God gives us hope and he can give it to us in so many different ways. I found hope through my friends. I found love. I may be single and alone in that field of my life. But so many other people fill the other areas of my life. I'm entirely grateful. 

This is the first year that I can remember that...

I remember when I felt like I was drowning, drowning in the sea of discomfort. Discomfort with overwhelming frustrations and unending thoughts of wanting to escape. Discomfort with not knowing why I did the things I did. Being drowned in sorrows and agony. I remember when I wouldn't remember what last week felt like or what the day before that day felt like. I remember when I called upon so many people and so many people at so many times. I exhausted friendships when I was frustrated because they couldn't help. I remember lying in bed and just crying or taking a shower just so I could cry and be alone.

Depression is a bitch and thats all there is to it. It is an unhealthy bitch. It consumes every aspect of you and causes you to have a tormented perspective on life, people, friends...and relationships and then lastly yourself. 

I pulled out of it. Amazing. I remember being in Government class senior year of high school. It was my first period so naturally at a private Christine school devotions and prayer start off your day. My teacher read some devotions and I have no idea what it was saying. But depression was brought up...and my teacher said that depression is a sin. It is self-loathing. It is self-pity. There is nothing is to it...all you need is Jesus. All you need to do is repent. 

I remember my reaction to it. I was unsettled...practically disturbed. I wanted to protest but I had no idea why. 

One of my first core classes at Calvin College was Psychology. I fell in love with it. I fell in love with theories and behaviors...the cognitive processes. I fell in love with the fact that depression wasn't a sin...it was a condition. It is a condition. Some people have it all their lives others have it for months. Chemicals are literally unbalanced. Something went wrong and it isn't working all too well anymore. 

This is the first year that I can remember that I'm happy most of time. I complain about this or that...I get frustrated...I get upset or angry...I cry...I laugh...I yell...I scream lyrics out in the car. The difference is that this is all normal. There are connections and explanations to the feelings. I'm not over my head with feelings. 

My theories of personality class for psych has been allowing me to look at myself differently and enjoyably. Its been great. And now I sit here procrastinating, writing a blog when I should be writing my final paper for this class. ohs wells. ha

may then april then me

Its almost going to be May. Well, I know it is still April but when you caught up in life...almost applies to everything that deals with time. Its my 3rd year in my second semester. I know that at the end of this year there are people I most likely won't see again or have the chance to see again. There are people who I don't really want to see again either. 

In the past few weeks or months my relationships with people have evolved to this weird universe. I have found my identity or something close to it. I have finally been able to be myself. I haven't been able to do that in forever. 

I used to get this weird anxiety feeling when people didn't accept me. This uneasiness. Because I wanted to hang out with. I wanted to be around them...but there were times when they didn't accept me. It might of been because I didn't accept myself or I just wasn't their cup of tea. I really don't know. It's funny how things come to be. It's funny how certain things rub you the wrong way but yet you move on. 

I have been in a psychology class for past few months. It is about theories of personality and every week we take a personality test that pin points something different or sometimes something broad. I have taken a notice of the tests and the class very well because at the end of the class we have to write a paper on ourselves. The past few tests have really challenged me to take a notice at myself.

I haven't been digging deep but I have been observant. I have been really observant with my interactions with other people. In a consequence I have drawn closer to the people that know me well. I have been wanting to better those relationships. So the people that know me better are the people that live with me. And the people back home...but I have been slacking in being connected with them. I have been busy, very busy but that can never be an excuse because you always have time. It depends on you schedule your time. 

I sit here on a Saturday night with my notes from psych class everywhere. The sun is setting causing the living room to decrease in light. Though once a light is turned on, it is officially night. Saturday has turned into Saturday night. I sit here with my friends on the couch...and my heart becoming jealous because I really don't want to be studying or trying to study. I sit here with weight of the world on my back because I let it happen that way. Consumed by life choices I sit on this wooden chair deciding whether or not I want to keeping acting like this or that. If I want to turn these acts into habits or not. Habits to maybe change my personality a bit. To change me. I'm not sure what life is about to be honest. I know it is to praise and glorify God but in what for me personally? What is becoming my purpose here and how do I want to approach it...how do I want to be? 

This is why I love psychology...I like learning about the inner parts of me and the inner parts of the people I encounter with. I hate being in school, in classes that pertain to my major...but they do to others. I hate being in school because I'm not out in the world...I'm in a classroom feeling like I am suffocating. Dramatic, maybe. 

Whoever you are...reading this...don't stop getting to know yourself. Getting to know why you do certain things a certain way that might not be like everyone else. In fact I challenge you to. Because you are the only fascinating person you will ever meet. Narcissistic it sounds but there won't be a day that doesn't go by where you won't surprise yourself.