Save Me Abba

my heart does not know the correct beat on which to pump the blood through out my body. I have forgotten how to direct it or even how to make suggestions. What made the void will never return. Nothing like it will take it's place. Something greater must be done. Speechless I am left to everyone. With this weight on my back, my knees buckle to the floor. My strength is not enough. It will never be enough. The day that I finally let myself stop trying to be in control will be the day where I am finally me again. My heart screams for help while my mind scurries around to find tactics to solve my heart's problem on it's own. I am lost at words. No manuals help me here. No words of advice are given to fill the cup. This task is on me. I know of what acquires of me. The simple words of "here I am simply as I am...I give myself to You" is THE hardest thing to do. My heart does not leak, it gushes. I am filled with anger. I am filled with pain. I am pathetic. I am wretched. I know my disease. I am my disease. A disease cannot cure itself. A disease is a disease. Sometimes I wonder if my mom did not die, would it be easier to rely on God? Or in fact would it be harder?

Where have I gone. I came to a place knowing my story, knowing my name, knowing who I was, knowing where I came from, knowing how to call for help...This place as left me knowing nothing. Who am I?

I am on the path of adding more to me. I thought I settled to a place where I knew but I only settled to a place knowing not even half of me. Save me Abba.

I AM BACK

When it happened I felt destruction. I felt an overwhelming feeling that wasn't going to leave any time soon. I was left alone in the desert. Months later I felt liberated. I am free. I am free. I do not have to prove myself anymore. I am allowed to fail time and time again without being looked at like an unworthy person. I am allowed to be in a funk without being looked at as someone who is immature. I am allowed to be me. I do not have to impress anymore. I am me. I am not bowing down to my idol no more. I am me. My lungs take deep breaths in and out finally. No more suffocation for my throat and lungs. No rope tied around my arms and no tape around my mouth. I am not a figure to be controlled. I have a will, a free-will. I will fly and I am flying again. No one can bound me like that again expect for myself. The chains are gone and I am set free. I saw it at first as a complete heart splitting event but now I view this as a complete liberation. My God My God here am I. I am yours. I am here to do your will. I am here to be in prayer for myself and others. I am ever thankful for your creation that gives you praise and adoration. I bow down. I bow down. I bow down in complete silence. My tears fall. My tears fall not for the hurt and pain but for my joy, hope, and love that I receive from you. I fish for help...but what I do not realise is that you are and were always there to begin with. I am surrounded by your presence. I am not my own but I am yours. My Lord, I let you romance me. You the creator of love. You are the one who invented love. Why am I so reluctant to let you show your love notes to me. I was gone. I left your house. But my God I am back. I AM BACK.

I love Him

I have been away from home for 3 months next week. I can't believe my ears when I think about it or even say it out loud. Some know the first reason why I chose Calvin and others don't. The reason was at the time of getting accepted I was in a funk, a pit. School was horrible. Friends at school were distant towards me since I shut down after my Mom's death. Life at home wasn't any better. I wanted to get away to get out of Escondido and live. To breath fresh air. So I made the choice to go. By the end of senior year I finally reached normal. I finally found those friends who stood by me even if I shut them out. I felt the air in my lungs, my lungs expanded to their fullest. My face had I smile. Of course I still hit some road blocks but my faith was strong and I felt invisible. At that moment I didn't want to leave. I found life and I was then going to leave life. I found contentment. I found my strength. God was seeking me and still is but I was seeking Him.

I left for college. I had no idea what to expect. First few weeks were crazy with homework and new faces. Everyone was a new face. Has I started to make friends and make my life here I think I forgot to something with me. Something beyond important. I forgot to pack God in my equation. What was...what am I thinking? God is my hope for tomorrow. He is the glue in my heart and mind. He is the one who brings me peace and joy when I am in sorrow. He is always there no matter where I put him. Now just putting that into action instead of thought is were I am at.

This is something new for me because I have no lost my faith or haven't lost God. I lost myself. Now it is time to get to know God even deeper for me to begin to know myself again. I'm weary but I have faith and I trust in God that I will be filled with joy.

I love Him

Wrinkles and Age-Spots

I love Tuesdays right when 2:45 gets hit by the hands on the clock. Two things happen; my boring class ends and I get to see all the elderly people walk through the halls of the Hiemenga Hall building. I do not know exactly why they are there on Tuesdays but I have a little hunch. I think they all take classes or workshops or seminars of some kind. When the clock hits 2:45pm I walk up the stairs to first floor since my class is the basement and I go directly to the restroom. I always have to go to the bathroom after that class...haha. On my walk there all of the elderly talk about the lecture they went to while holding a folder in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other. That hallway that has the restroom and coffee/cookie bar smells of Grandma's, Grandpa's, old friends, and black coffee with sugar. I never miss the chance to look at their faces or the clothes they were. I love to see who they are even though I can only tell on the outside. How old are they really? What have they seen that I haven't yet? What do we have in common? Are those wrinkles a gift from stress or the bright sun in the summer? Which ones lost their wife or husband? I wonder what their stories are, the battles they fought. As I get out of my class of learning so do they. I'm captivated by them. I know they have stories of defeat and love. I know they once were something so grand. I know they had to achieve something. But maybe not. Maybe their stories are thin. I'm not sure. I am curious to find out what defeats I will face and what love I will feel. I am in complete Aw that I one day will be walking around in my old age passing the younger crowd. They will look at me and see all my wrinkles and age-spots. I will be not under a microscope like I am now to my peers but I will be put on a pedestal for a split second in the mind of the younger ones. If that is the future I cannot sit here and complain about life. I cannot sit still when adventure is at my hands. I cannot be dull or angry at things that don't matter next week. When I am old I better have a story that backs up my wrinkles and age-spots.