It's my flaw. My biggest flaw that is the root of it all.

This past week has been a test to my sanity. It has been proven time and time again that when stress from all angles enters my life I stand on a thin wire. I have worked really hard with my internal problems and have created coping skills to try and deal with things.

One of my biggest coping skills is driving and doing errands. Or driving to a coffee shop and getting a bit further away from house. It lets me think clear and lets me deal with a problem one at a time. Its one of my favorite things to do in all honesty. I get to be alone and I get be doing something productive. I can't lay around the house all day and be fine. I've never been able to do that. I get very restless and my anxiety rises.

Something very frustrating happened to me last week. My car decided that it needed be fixed and the price would be between 1500-2000. Yea, so not driving José anymore. He was a great car. I imagined he was a small man named José. My choices are to sell him on craigslist or junk for cash.

I've been carless. For people it is fine and ok. For me however I feel trapped. I feel suffocated. I feel as though I can't breath. I hate relying on people. I hate having to. I'm pretty sure that it all stems from when my mom passed away and I decided to escape. Escape to Michigan and go to Calvin College. Haha and then try to be super independent. Or the time where I couldn't take Michigan anymore and escaped to a semester in Spain.

When I feel suffocated it is tremendous and I freak out.  A few days ago I couldn't handle it. It was too much and I basically did all my hobbies in one day. I freaked out. The beginning of a panic attack started to creep up on me really really fast. My main response to this is talking it out seriously. No one was really answering. So I moved on to the next coping skill and things started to become clear again.

Today I was thinking about how crazy it is that an item of mine could be so important. Its meaning that it has for me is a lot more than I thought it was. I really enjoy becoming more simplistic in life. I really don't need to fancy tv or the fancy couch. Would it be nice, of course. But I think I met my one thing...that one thing that it seems hard to live without, a car...transportation.

When you lose your coping skill for awhile it is a terrible feeling to have and I do not think most people will ever have that feeling. My worse fear is being suffocated physically and/or mentally. It has always been that. It's my flaw. My biggest flaw that is the root of it all.

It has taken me a long time to find that out. And lately I have been feeling suffocated for awhile but I'm still here miraculously breathing.