It's my flaw. My biggest flaw that is the root of it all.

This past week has been a test to my sanity. It has been proven time and time again that when stress from all angles enters my life I stand on a thin wire. I have worked really hard with my internal problems and have created coping skills to try and deal with things.

One of my biggest coping skills is driving and doing errands. Or driving to a coffee shop and getting a bit further away from house. It lets me think clear and lets me deal with a problem one at a time. Its one of my favorite things to do in all honesty. I get to be alone and I get be doing something productive. I can't lay around the house all day and be fine. I've never been able to do that. I get very restless and my anxiety rises.

Something very frustrating happened to me last week. My car decided that it needed be fixed and the price would be between 1500-2000. Yea, so not driving José anymore. He was a great car. I imagined he was a small man named José. My choices are to sell him on craigslist or junk for cash.

I've been carless. For people it is fine and ok. For me however I feel trapped. I feel suffocated. I feel as though I can't breath. I hate relying on people. I hate having to. I'm pretty sure that it all stems from when my mom passed away and I decided to escape. Escape to Michigan and go to Calvin College. Haha and then try to be super independent. Or the time where I couldn't take Michigan anymore and escaped to a semester in Spain.

When I feel suffocated it is tremendous and I freak out.  A few days ago I couldn't handle it. It was too much and I basically did all my hobbies in one day. I freaked out. The beginning of a panic attack started to creep up on me really really fast. My main response to this is talking it out seriously. No one was really answering. So I moved on to the next coping skill and things started to become clear again.

Today I was thinking about how crazy it is that an item of mine could be so important. Its meaning that it has for me is a lot more than I thought it was. I really enjoy becoming more simplistic in life. I really don't need to fancy tv or the fancy couch. Would it be nice, of course. But I think I met my one thing...that one thing that it seems hard to live without, a car...transportation.

When you lose your coping skill for awhile it is a terrible feeling to have and I do not think most people will ever have that feeling. My worse fear is being suffocated physically and/or mentally. It has always been that. It's my flaw. My biggest flaw that is the root of it all.

It has taken me a long time to find that out. And lately I have been feeling suffocated for awhile but I'm still here miraculously breathing.

Introduce it to God and find out that they are already friends

"Moving on" has been a very impactful phrase in my life. The words I think can sting or be forever untrue. They can be helpful sometimes but that depends on when they are said and who says them.

I think the most important person to tell you to move on is yourself. I've been in three different scenarios that these words have been useful and they have also been so completely wrong. One situation that was incredibly useful for those words was when a former best friend just destroyed my heart. 

The relationship was good in the ways we both needed it at that time. However, boundaries were crossed, things happened, we were unhealthy and relied on each other too much. We weren't independent from each other. Then things just fell apart in such a dramatic way. The relationship was so useful to say "move on". It was defiantly time and defiantly needed. I miss that relationship sometimes though. I was young and way more reckless. I was getting through my mother's death and trying to find ways to cope. 

No one ever said it to me but I sensed it from them when I talked. I would become confused by it and shut people out as much as I could. Some years after my mom passed away I thought that moving on was what I needed to do. I thought that was what people eventually did. Although, over the years I found that it was completely wrong. You don't get over death and move you. It isn't simple like that. Instead you find life, find coping skills, and you most certainly find love. You don't move on, you hold on. Grief is one wild ride and at times it takes no survivors. It never gives up but you have the power to decrease its voice. Not silence it because that will make it worse but instead take it in and show that you can handle it. Make it listen to music. Have it take a peaceful walk. Take it out to dinner with friends. Introduce it to God and find out that they are already friends. Moving on from death has no form. Living your life does. 

The other moment that moving on had some space in the room was the break up I recently went through. I've never been head over heels. I've also never really wanted to date. Going on dates yes but never really wanted to be with someone for more than a month. The world is so big! How could you even think my life had room for that! That sounds so wrong but when I get seriously involved with someone I'm loyal. Though sometimes people take you by surprise. Yea I fell hard...

I fell even harder when we broke up and even harder for the reason why. I told myself to move on and keep pushing to move on. It had to happen. I had to let it happen. 

There are some things that don't need to move on and there are some things that need to move on. 

Moving on is the process of healing the heart in a certain way. It's a harsh way for certain problems. But once you move on you can enjoy the mountains again. You can enjoy the sunset and sunrise again. You can enjoy life. Live life.

I'm not fond of grudges. They seem to just hurt more than they are worth it. They feel dirty to me and unattractive. Grudges can be confused with proceeding pain. Moving on doesn't always mean the pain is gone. Moving on can mean removing the grudge. How magical is that? Pretty awesome I think. So when you think about moving on from something think about why you should, the benefits, and then how you should move on.