Intentionally Thinking to Be Intentionally Found: When You Rediscover rupi kaur

I have never been intimated to not put myself in something. Most of the time my actions are very intentional. I strive to be true in every motion I take. I tend to have my emotions be my compass. Now that is not intentional. It is actually far from it. I have to be intentional to use my logic.

As I have gotten older this has become easier and easier. Although, the initial hurt is the hardest. The first few days are actually kind of terrifying. My mind remembers hurt all to well. The more I mask it, the more I will not be able to deal with it. Strategy...it is all about the strategy.

I'm getting a little tired of being alone. It isn't that I don't know how to be, but it is more because I get tastes of what it is not like. It is like knowing what your favorite food is and every time you buy it you think you are getting the whole thing. But when you open the packaging it is only a taste.

A poet that I find to be the most inspirational to people, mainly women, that have felt lost in human relationships is Rupi Kaur. I found her to be such an awesome healing poet. Her words speak truth in pain and in healing. She puts strength in you that you as reader thought you lost. I am impressed.

This excerpt is a little long, I know, but it hits it on the head for me. I've lately in the past few years have experienced some rough break ups. They all have had some things in common. That common attribute may be because I haven't found the right person or I just love connecting with people whoever it is. I'm going to share it.

"i will tell you about selfish people. even when they know they will hurt you they walk into your life to taste you because you are the type of being they don’t want to miss out on. you are too much shine to not be felt. so when they have gotten a good look at everything you have to offer. when they have taken your skin your hair and your secrets with them. when they realize how real this is. how much of a storm you are and it hits them. that is when the cowardice sets in. that is when the person you thought they were is replaced by the sad reality of what they are. that is when they lose every fighting bone in their body and leave after saying “you will find better than me”. you will stand there naked with half of them still hidden somewhere inside you and sob. asking them why they did it. why they forced you to love them when they had no intention of loving you back and they’ll say something along the lines of “i just had to try, i had to give it a chance, it was you after all.” but that isn’t romantic. it isn’t sweet. the idea that they were so engulfed by your existence they had to risk breaking it for the sake of knowing they weren’t the one missing out. your existence meant that little next to their curiosity of you. that is the thing about selfish people. they gamble entire beings. entire souls to please their own. one second they are holding you like the world and the next they have belittled you to a mere picture, a moment, something of the past. one second, they swallow you up and whisper they want to spend the rest of their life with you but the moment they sense fear, they are already halfway out the door. without having the nerve to let you go with grace, as if the human heart means that little to them. and after all this. after all of the taking. the nerve. isn’t it sad and funny how people have more guts these days to undress you with their fingers than they do to pick up the phone and call. apologize. for the loss."

this is how you lose her - rupi kaur 

Life is intriguing. I have known for awhile now that I feel and love deeply. I do not tread lightly. Because of this I do hurt deeply. The people that have entered my life I have learned a great deal that I do not regret. They have pushed me forward to be a better human being to myself and to others. How have they pushed me? They have hurt me in a way that takes me forever to forgive. Because of this it has made me strive. I love challenges even if the beginning of it is rough. I want to be feared. I want to be feared in a way that makes you want to be around me. It seems so strange to say but I want my best to be with someone who is at their best. And if their best or my best is troubled I want to be able to carry them or them carry me. I need it to be long lasting. I want to know what I am when I love deeply for longer than I have known. How great that experience will be. 

I felt this loving my mom. I have felt this in a 3 month relationship and so on.

 People and actions are intriguing to me. They are intriguing to me even if I'm on the other side of their action. How people respond and articulate communications of want, needs, and loves is intriguing. It is how poems are made and songs are written.  

I haven't written a blog in a while. Not because I didn't want to but because I had nothing to write about. I had no crazy ideas or thought provoking story. There was just peace and ease in me. Of course that changed and a bit of emotions spilled out. That is ok because it happened at a time that needed to happen. I did not realize that. I didn't think I needed it. I don't think I needed it in the form it came in but we can't control that. 

I'm on the journey again. Ready to move again. I thought that dream was set aside but its in the fore front of my thoughts now. Definitely not to escape but to be challenged by something new. I just had to be patient. Intentionally thinking to be intentionally found. 

Listen and learn from how your body responds. It is ok to remember.

October already has been a bit anxious. It is warm here in Michigan and it reminds me of California going into fall. The days are still hot but the nights are cool. I wonder how the ocean feels right about now. Fall is an interesting time for me. The month of October brings a lot of triggers to my life. I only spent one fall in California since my mom passed. So after I was 16 I've spent every fall in Michigan. It is certainly beautiful during this time of year.

I had a very hard time in college after my moms death. I was a tornado and hurricane. My feelings were up and down like the waves. I never hated myself, I just hated my emotions. It has taken me years to recover. College is a evidence for that.

Lately, I've been wanting to have guidance from my mom. She has always been my guiding light. I recently watched a film and in it there was a concept that was revealed. You do not stop getting to know someone after they die unless you stop paying attention to them. That rings very true. There are so many things I wish I could ask my mom but sometimes I find the answer in myself. She was my mother...I am her child. I'm similar to her even if I am also similar to my dad.

There are many things I wish I could tell her now and discuss with her. However, I cannot do so. Though if I listen closely I can hear her in the choices I make. I can hear her in the warm breeze that ruffles my hair. I can hear her clapping and dance as I do in the kitchen. I can feel her peach fuzz across my cheek whenever I feel mine.

It is funny because when Michigan changes in seasons I remember a lot more of what has happened in the last 8 or so years. Those memories aren't very good but I do find my gems. I find things that I cherish and they usually involve my loves. My loves meaning my friendships...

Connections have always taunted me in a way. I thrive off of them and usually get bored without them. Connections drive us. I found this passage from John Welwood and it is called Soul Connections. "A soul connection not only inspires us to expand, but also forces us to confront whatever stands in the way of that expansion." I fall heavy on this. The passage compares a heart connection with a soul connection and how the connection is far deeper and overall healthier. I've only had this with a few people in my life. Though one of the persons is my mom.
Some people hate their moms or their moms just aren't good people. I feel my soul connection with my mom even though she isn't physically here anymore.

Halloween is strange. The day my mother passed. Fitting isn't it? I kinda like that its on that day. For me it just pulls all together. At first I hated it but I've learned to not fight it. When the season changes to fall I feel a flood of emotions. I filter through them and weed out the "dumb" ones. My life is chaotic most of the time but I honestly wouldn't know what to do if it settled down. So I will listen to weird halloween music and watch scary movies. I will light pumpkin candles and eat pumpkin pie. I will become reserved but just enough for myself to process.

If you have ever experienced a traumatic event never rush your process and never for guilty for crying. Listen and learn from how your body responds. It is ok to remember.

My mother I miss you every day and there hasn't been day that I haven't thought of you. You are my light. You are my hero. I will keep getting to know you as the days pass. I love you.

There is a saying by Eleanor Roosevelt

Often in my life there a lot of things going on. In many people's lives there are often a lot of things going on. We usually do not hear about it or take the time to ask. I'm a verbal processor so if I feel comfortable in the relationship I will share. However, there are some things in my life that I have to share. For an example, where do your parents live? Well, my dad lives in San Diego but my mom is dead. Or how many siblings do you have? I have four brothers but one was killed before I was born. The following conversations can be a little awkward. Though I always have something going on in my life. It is never a dull moment.

I now have a "new" car. It is entirely an A to B car. The other day I got off of work and go over to start my car. It is dead. I got it jumped and working but the frustration inside of me was just too great. I always feel on the defense with life. Not that it is out to get me but that I am on defense. And if that striker makes a goal then life has won. There is a saying by Eleanor Roosevelt, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Not just a person can make you feel inferior but life can make you feel inferior too. In many instances I give life consent to make me feel inferior.

I think it is time to reorganize and become silent. In silence we may find truth and be humbled by the truth. I do not want to be grabbed into this world of confusion and possibilities of mistakes. Silence can be in a lot of different forms. It is not just silencing your mind or even your voice. It can be silencing parts of your lives that are making too much noise. The noise they are producing is not efficient or beneficial to you.

One of the reasons I love to do woodworking is because during the time I am doing it. I do not have to speak or listen to anyone at all. Sometimes the power tools are too loud and I can't even hear my music. Being in that moment is wonderful. No one on the street will talk to me and I do not have to look up. It is this untentional silence that I give myself. Untentional silence is beautiful but when intentional silence is achieved it is more than beautiful.

When my world is full of noise I want to have intentional silence. In Southern California I had places I would go to breath. I would be in places I took for granted. In Michigan I have found it hard to find those places but partly because I haven't searched. When my world is full of noise I will have these places to breath that are filled with silence.

Inferior. Life made me inferior and I consented to it. It makes me angry and frustrated though it is what it is and that is truth.

Validate Me

As I am living through life my journeys are becoming more than experience but validation. Of course there are lessons that are exposed still but validation is certainly real. My trip back home was very interesting.

When I went home I had no idea what to expect. I knew that my time there would go by very fast. It was very special to have one of my good friends with me along for the journey. Her ease and calmness eased and calmed me down in stressful situations. Going home is a very loaded phrase.

I journey back to the place where my mom physically exists. The walls in the house were touched by her hands. The notes in her handwriting are tucked away in boxes. Her decorations pulled from the walls and stored in old bedrooms. The sadness is soaked into the furniture. It seems easier to avoid it all but it really isn't. I love the house but the memories weigh it down.

Going back to San Diego validated me that moving back to Grand Rapids was a good decision. Even though moving back was for guy, it still ended up being a good idea. I'm very happy that I realized this. I also realized that I can't live in the suburbs just yet. The city, however big it is, still has my heart.

There was a card my mom gave me on her last birthday. It's a very true and sad card. She wrote about how proud she was of me and apologized for having cancer. Two months later she passed away. I think she knew she was dying. I think she wanted to use this card as her final words to me. I think it was impossible to admit to her kids head on that she was dying. She never wrote a thank you card to me for anything except for this time. She always used her words. When I read it this past week I knew I was going cry before I even read it. That card made me feel the present, past, and future all at once. It gave me validation for where I am heading in life. The past still believes in my pursuits.

I am me and losing sight of who I am is death to me. I do not want to be persuaded by falsehoods. This life is crazy as it is and making rash decisions isn't so much my thing anymore. I will be spontaneous in other aspects of my life.

Figuring out who you are is what life is about. We are too busy figuring out life when life in us has to be figured out first. When we learn how we ourselves respond to situations, events, and other people, I think we can then start to figure out why we were put on this Earth. I am creative, thoughtful, fearful, stubborn, alive, a bit damaged, aggressive, easily frustrated, concerned, respectful, loved, slowly learning, rash, hopeful, and so many other things. I think me as a whole creates Brenna. I am designed and created to do a certain life. I know that it involves people, art, and adventure. What a life...

I struggle a lot of times because I feel very deeply. I get confused by my emotions a lot of times. I have had to learn how to prove what lies and truths I tell myself. One emotion that has a grasp on me so strong is fear. When my mom passed away fear doubled in size. It has taken me so much time and work to handle and disprove the fear. I have had to be very intentional on how to handle my emotions and force logic into it all. I know that so many people do not struggle with deep emotions. In the past I felt very foreign to my family and friends. I felt like I had way too many problems. That idea of myself was a lie. I am me. I am Brenna. If I have to work hard at bettering myself then so be it. I am unique. Life is unique in every perspective.

To have validation is very important to me in many ways. It is most important from my family and friends. So when I read that thank you card I felt so much validation from my mom. How incredibly cool is that. Her words from the past has spoken more to me now than it did in the moment that I first read that card. I am thankful for it and encouraged.

I've chosen to let life lure them out

There has been a lot of things raffling in my mind. I've chosen to let life lure them out of me instead of forcing them out. I've been managing this well I think. Though has topics start to drift out and I have to deal with it, it really sucks. For the first time there is something I want to share on this blog but I can't. I can't for a lot of reasons. Reasons that have their own set of consequences.
I'm here waiting to be discovered somehow and its drenching my soul. And when I mean "be discovered" I mean finding the thing where my heart sings.

I have started to put on shows that include musicians and writers. Lately, there hasn't been a lot of writers so I just fill those slots with my material. I don't mind doing it because it forces me to write. My shows have been received well and people seem to enjoy them. When the show is finished my heart sings.

I haven't been enjoying work. It just ends being exhausting and draining. I've been having to rethink my attitude towards work. This is my job right now and I need to be going into it right. I'm taking care of patients and if my attitude is sour...I can't handle the feeling of how it could come across to them.

Adding chapters...I want the next chapters to be exciting and irresistible. I need it to be. I'm thriving for something to make me explode in a good way. I want to be able to anticipate this without being let down. I'm so tired of being let down.

My dad texted me the other day, "Hey do you want mom's gowns?". What this meant, if you don't want them then I'm going to give them to goodwill. What this meant to me was I don't care about gowns because they are useless to me. But I care that they were my mom's. I care that she wore them. I care that she picked them and bought them. But I don't need them nor do I really want them. I just want them to exist as her gowns. I left work that day so angry. I wanted to scream and I did. I wanted to punch something so I did. I wanted to talk it out so I did. I let my heart sing in a different way.

When there is a lot going on in my head I feel like I have a ton of energy to expel. I want it gone because it just builds up like lightening might come out of me. I get close to what I want but it really never stays. It's fleeting. This isn't to say that I'm not happy that isn't completely true. Being stagnate for me is completely intolerable.

Life is a twisted game and the game is played differently. Everyone handles situations differently and on their own time. I have no idea how to play this game. It's set on difficult with one life left. At the end of the day what makes it all worth it is that somehow I can share my experience. Converse with others. Feel loved and give love. What makes it all worth it is knowing that I am worthy and that I can do this. It seems very lonely a lot of the times but it also isn't a lot of times. It might look differently than I expected.

It's my flaw. My biggest flaw that is the root of it all.

This past week has been a test to my sanity. It has been proven time and time again that when stress from all angles enters my life I stand on a thin wire. I have worked really hard with my internal problems and have created coping skills to try and deal with things.

One of my biggest coping skills is driving and doing errands. Or driving to a coffee shop and getting a bit further away from house. It lets me think clear and lets me deal with a problem one at a time. Its one of my favorite things to do in all honesty. I get to be alone and I get be doing something productive. I can't lay around the house all day and be fine. I've never been able to do that. I get very restless and my anxiety rises.

Something very frustrating happened to me last week. My car decided that it needed be fixed and the price would be between 1500-2000. Yea, so not driving José anymore. He was a great car. I imagined he was a small man named José. My choices are to sell him on craigslist or junk for cash.

I've been carless. For people it is fine and ok. For me however I feel trapped. I feel suffocated. I feel as though I can't breath. I hate relying on people. I hate having to. I'm pretty sure that it all stems from when my mom passed away and I decided to escape. Escape to Michigan and go to Calvin College. Haha and then try to be super independent. Or the time where I couldn't take Michigan anymore and escaped to a semester in Spain.

When I feel suffocated it is tremendous and I freak out.  A few days ago I couldn't handle it. It was too much and I basically did all my hobbies in one day. I freaked out. The beginning of a panic attack started to creep up on me really really fast. My main response to this is talking it out seriously. No one was really answering. So I moved on to the next coping skill and things started to become clear again.

Today I was thinking about how crazy it is that an item of mine could be so important. Its meaning that it has for me is a lot more than I thought it was. I really enjoy becoming more simplistic in life. I really don't need to fancy tv or the fancy couch. Would it be nice, of course. But I think I met my one thing...that one thing that it seems hard to live without, a car...transportation.

When you lose your coping skill for awhile it is a terrible feeling to have and I do not think most people will ever have that feeling. My worse fear is being suffocated physically and/or mentally. It has always been that. It's my flaw. My biggest flaw that is the root of it all.

It has taken me a long time to find that out. And lately I have been feeling suffocated for awhile but I'm still here miraculously breathing.

Introduce it to God and find out that they are already friends

"Moving on" has been a very impactful phrase in my life. The words I think can sting or be forever untrue. They can be helpful sometimes but that depends on when they are said and who says them.

I think the most important person to tell you to move on is yourself. I've been in three different scenarios that these words have been useful and they have also been so completely wrong. One situation that was incredibly useful for those words was when a former best friend just destroyed my heart. 

The relationship was good in the ways we both needed it at that time. However, boundaries were crossed, things happened, we were unhealthy and relied on each other too much. We weren't independent from each other. Then things just fell apart in such a dramatic way. The relationship was so useful to say "move on". It was defiantly time and defiantly needed. I miss that relationship sometimes though. I was young and way more reckless. I was getting through my mother's death and trying to find ways to cope. 

No one ever said it to me but I sensed it from them when I talked. I would become confused by it and shut people out as much as I could. Some years after my mom passed away I thought that moving on was what I needed to do. I thought that was what people eventually did. Although, over the years I found that it was completely wrong. You don't get over death and move you. It isn't simple like that. Instead you find life, find coping skills, and you most certainly find love. You don't move on, you hold on. Grief is one wild ride and at times it takes no survivors. It never gives up but you have the power to decrease its voice. Not silence it because that will make it worse but instead take it in and show that you can handle it. Make it listen to music. Have it take a peaceful walk. Take it out to dinner with friends. Introduce it to God and find out that they are already friends. Moving on from death has no form. Living your life does. 

The other moment that moving on had some space in the room was the break up I recently went through. I've never been head over heels. I've also never really wanted to date. Going on dates yes but never really wanted to be with someone for more than a month. The world is so big! How could you even think my life had room for that! That sounds so wrong but when I get seriously involved with someone I'm loyal. Though sometimes people take you by surprise. Yea I fell hard...

I fell even harder when we broke up and even harder for the reason why. I told myself to move on and keep pushing to move on. It had to happen. I had to let it happen. 

There are some things that don't need to move on and there are some things that need to move on. 

Moving on is the process of healing the heart in a certain way. It's a harsh way for certain problems. But once you move on you can enjoy the mountains again. You can enjoy the sunset and sunrise again. You can enjoy life. Live life.

I'm not fond of grudges. They seem to just hurt more than they are worth it. They feel dirty to me and unattractive. Grudges can be confused with proceeding pain. Moving on doesn't always mean the pain is gone. Moving on can mean removing the grudge. How magical is that? Pretty awesome I think. So when you think about moving on from something think about why you should, the benefits, and then how you should move on.