that special connection and it has a twist of intimacy attached to it

I've become the person who is able to put things in boxes and then think about them when I choose to open them. Although, when the boxes seem to be over flowing because too many things are happening...I explode.

I think I have had anxiety most of my life. I was an anxious child. I don't think my parents caught on to it because I would keep a lot of things inside and not disclose much to anyone. I remember having these mini panic attacks when I was little. Bedtime would come and I would start having anxiety of being alone. I didn't understand it. And the moment I would sneak into my parents room, I would fall asleep instantly. Around that time my mom was battling more cancer...

This feeling of being alone/lonely has been very exposed in my life. A lot of Christians say that pray to God because with him you are never alone. This was after my mom passed away. I suffered from depression, anxiety, and overwhelming thoughts and hurts.

I was told to just dive into God because he is all source of comfort. Because God is Almighty and cures all. What I wasn't told was that God doesn't just answer your prayer like a genie. He also doesn't always answer. He also answers on his time.

Another thing I wasn't told is that sometimes you have to perceive God as an Anti-depressant. Anti-depressants do not get rid of depression or anxiety. But they help you think clearly so you can cope and understand what is going on. It is there to help you sort out the overwhelming confusions.

God isn't a fix it bottom. I cannot just read a verse and be fixed. I can pray all I want it isn't a one sided relationship.

When I was depressed I have never felt so alone/lonely before in my life. I would cry in most of my prayers. I would sob for salvation from this life. I pushed myself as hard as I could go.

But what I needed to understand is that I needed to just deal with the depression, untangle the spagetti.

After saying that, I have been feeling alone. I have mentioned this type of alone before. I feel alone in the sense that I want to have an intimate relationship with someone. Though I'm not really searching. Available but not searching. It isn't so much as a selfish desire but it is a yearning to connect on a different level.

There is a certain kind of comfort that happens in a certain situation with a certain person. This comfort is acceptance from a human being. An act of God. A character trait of God. This comfort is awesome. I have this with somebody but that somebody is of the same sex and unfortunately I'm not gay.

Its that moment when you realize that the lights do not have to be off for you to confide your secrets in that person. That you can look your worse and in the daylight and offer your heart.

Its that moment when you find that special connection and it has a twist of intimacy attached to it.

I have learned the difference of being alone versus lonely. I'm not lonely right now. I feel as though lonely has bad connotations rather than alone. I can be alone...but i can desire more. I cannot be lonely...because I'm desperate for more.

Letting life be life and fiction lay on the ground

As I watched you lay eyes on me, I pretended that I didn't. I pretended that I didn't because I knew what you were going to say. You were going to ask me if I was ok. The phrase that I hear often and maybe too much then I should. The moment you ask me, I lie every single time. It is hard to accept when you know that someone knows you. Not in a sense of name and face but in a sense that they can depict how you act when you are sad, happy, annoyed, and etc. They then, see you. They see you for who you are and what you really are. So I lied. Because I have been found out. I feel sad and you have found me out. I feel mad and you have found me out. I do not understand how you have found me. I do not understand how you know me, but you do. I find it beautiful but oh so raw at the same time. It's surprising to me because I thought I was a wall. I wanted to be a wall. If I was wall then you wouldn't see the ugliness that I have in me. If I was a wall then I could hide from the truth. At my darkest days you expose the truth. At the days where I just don't want to...you ask if I am ok.

I'm a wall to many. Though I never seemed to be a wall to you. Or maybe I never wanted to be a wall with you, however I was in the beginning, a wall. I haven't told you all my secrets though. I have a few hidden. Not because I try to hide them but they are mine and I'm not willing to share. But you ask why I am not willing to share? Because then maybe you won't like me anymore or you will get bored because you have found every little intimate part of my being.

There are some days were I wish you were of the opposite sex because I know it could work in this weird way. And then I reject it because I like us how we are now. I like us how we are and how we found each other.

You asked me if I was ok. And I lied the first time. I never told you the answer the second time. I told you the answer over text the third time. I whispered it to you the fourth time because it would hurt less. And the fifth time I told you right after I brushed my teeth.

This time I told you and I expressed how fearful I was. How scared I felt and then I said to much. Because what I was most fearful of...was the reaction you had later. I woke up distraught the next day and wanted to escape far away.

There are times where I want to hear just the words I love you. Not in the way when you say a goodbye. The way when it is unexpected and most needed. Because then you know its real and still true.

I will only let a few in to the deepest parts of me. I will only let you in for now and maybe for them will be later. Because right now I feel secure.

I fight it and so do you. I feel equal. I feel equal for the first time in my life and I am not letting go of that. Don't let me let go of that. I'm letting life be life and I am letting fiction lay on the ground until it goes to sleep...so that I can live.