Cynical Human Being

There is this lingering sentence in my mind. I hear almost every morning since I have been in Michigan. It is very simple and yet a genuine concern. The words leave the mouth with out any hesitation or thought to what effect it might have on the other person. "Did you sleep ok?"

I'm not sure why this question lingers on the tip of my brain. As though it is a fleeting thought that just can't flee from my brain. Like it is stuck on something...a loose bult in my mind. I'm not sure but because it lingers I'm attached to it.

You are tired and the clock is set at 10, 11, or 12. You head to bed and say goodnight. For what ever reason it is time to get up and get ready for the day ahead. You might of woken up from a sleepless night, ironically. Or you might of woken up from an ok night of rest. There are those nights were when you wake up in the morning...you wake up with no headache, exhaustion, worry, or a need to sleep more. Right then you realize that you slept more than alright. Your beauty rest was fantastic. It was enjoyable...not a hassle or concern to follow into your day.

My housemate and I exchange these words in the morning. A greeting from a friend.

I don't notice these words ever...not until this past week. Spring break was so fast but so needed at so many levels. A period to just rest my body and most importantly my mind. A breather from the everyday schedule of college.

It's those simple phrases that sometimes catch my attention. Do you really want to know how I slept or are you saying this to keep up...to put your two cents into the relationship? I'm not saying it's the negative answer. I think we as humans need to pay attention to the words that come out of our mouths. To ponder if that is really what we want to contribute to the relationship I have with so-n-so. Or is this just a mindless reaction I have towards that so-n-so.

Simple actions or words can have the slightest ill motives but the receiver can perceive them as a complete opposite. People are horrible. People are ruthless. People are liars. People hurt other people. I don't know if we should be incredibly sensitive towards others or we should just try are best not to piss anyone off. I'm not in the fan club to hurt others but it happens to be that I sometimes act like I am.

I often rely on people. I put these expectations into people. The last few months I have realized I need to limit those expectations...because they are letting me down, they are letting my expectations down. It's a matter of becoming more realistic and less imaginative. Though is this going to destroy me? I won't become a cynical human being will I? If I must to survive, then ok. If it comes down to it, then ok. If...then...

Insecurities...the dirt within

Its spring break officially tomorrow, Monday the 19th of March. The excitement of coming back to school...and seeing the people I wanted to see...being in a house that isn't Dad's, wore off. The daily struggles and stresses set in a week or ago. Yesterday my friend and I talked about inventing some kind of cure that takes away everything depressing. The depressing feelings. Those things that just screw your mind up. The events that seem to throw you off track and leave you helpless.

I think one thing I would like to be gone, is my insecurities that seem to trap me. My insecurities weren't set in the way I perceive myself in my looks, in the way I approach new people, but in the way I feel my closest friends perceive me. Strange I must say. Everyone tells me I have this confidence about myself. I even tell myself I just need to be confident that tonight I look good. Though when it comes to those moments in the day where my friends and I are just relaxing...my insecurities set in.

I know to a certain extent where these feelings root from. Scary sometimes to realize it but it is healthy to in so many ways. I know one root is the lost of my mom. Scared to lose someone like that again. Or to simply lose a friend through difficulties. This insecurity I have is like a tumor to me. I just want to find it and extract it from my body. Maybe perform a little chemo too.

Anyways, I must say I didn't realize how much a break from life does for you. Especially during that break the weather is just unfathomable. No more snow or cold winds right now. I love it. The weather changes my mood. In the summer I would wake up. Clean the dishes. Take some coffee. Go outside and sit drinking coffee while doing my devotions. I was lavished with the sun's heat in a Californian morning.
As I step outside to a brisk morning, that is way warmer than the days we have had, my heart sings.

I how different life would of been if I didn't come to Michigan. When I chose this school/decided I would attend Calvin, I was numbed with pain. If I hadn't been, I don't think I would of chosen this place at all. Not because hindsight but knowing who I was back thing before my mom died. Never would I want to go to a state that is saturated with snow, ice, water...in the ground and air. I wouldn't of chosen a place like this. But I am glad I did and I am glad I met the people I have.

I might not be close with all of them but I know they have all shaped me in some way. Its perfect almost when you think about it. Our lives can look like hell sometimes. They can even look so grim that its hard to find the light. But honestly...that grimness is like the dirt on the windows. You can always see out of it but when you focus on the dirt, you can't see anything but that dirt.

If I concentrate on the insecurities I have...I will only know my insecurities and not my strengths.

updating

I'm done with an exam that included 5 essays and that's it. I studied diligently this time. I started on Monday and proceeded through out the week to look at it, and maybe retain some sort of information. When I took the test or began to take it, I thought I was going to fail. Not because I had no confidence but because I'm a terrible test taker. I know my strengths are essays but it was my first important exam. One I wanted to succeed in. I'm sure I passed but my grade I am unsure of. I hadn't realized that once I'm passionate about the subject, I can do quite well.

This is a mark of the a newer me. Its strange how our personalities have temperaments which lay the fondation of our basic personality. Although we seem to evolve into who we are. My attitude and thought process seems to be changing and evolving. This isn't because I'm attuned to myself now but it is because I'm allowing it to change. 

When I go back to West coast, I often drift from what I want to be. My community there is strick in their beliefs. The concept of stepping outside and really testing your beliefs is almost out of question. I'm from California though...I should be able to find people similar to me and the way I think. I don't want my beliefs to be suppressed anymore when I go home. Instead of Conservative with liberal, I'm I liberal with conservative? I'm not totally sure what the answer of that is. I will however keep it open in journey in figuring it out. 

I've noticed in my pursuit in finding out myself and being confident with myself, I haven't taken huge steps forward or backwards. I'll take a step and then wade in the step for several periods. I'm not irrational though neither I'm I rational. Interesting, I suppose.

This year has been rewarding. I came to terms with things and got over so many things. I let go of certain friends who weren't holding that special place in my heart. The priority of so many things started to fall and others took their place. I felt liberated and not pressured. The ones who brought me down, fell down. I'm afraid to say that people in my life hold this hierarchy in my life. The problem with it is when someone who is near the top of the hierarchy starts to fail you on countless of times, it not only messes you, yourself, but also effects many aspects of your life. Hierarchy...

This next portion of my life has always been lingering around though I haven't directly talked about it. Love. Love for the opposite sex in my case. In my 6 semesters of college there has always been someone in each semester. With each someone I have learned about what I want and who I am most importantly. Though this portion of my life has yet to be fulfilled. I'm eager to share life with someone in a far more important way than I do with friends or family. Certain applications do apply here, I am aware. The need to be needed. The want to be noticed. The desire to be respected. And all the other things that follow. Although, I'm not in a hurry or even scrabbling. Priority maybe but certainly not on the top though not on the bottom.