reconnecting

This past January I've been adjusting to my other life. It hasn't been totally normal, yet. But started next week I will experience my life for the next 4 months. Anyways, this past month I put the brakes on heavy thinking, being theological, having much to say, and really making an effort to adjust in a fast pace. What did this January look like then? I was just experiencing life and not adding so many complications or added stress. It was a break. I break from all the worries and extreme cares in the world. I sometimes battle between this state and then being overly stressed. I haven't found the middle ground, though I think this semester I will try.
I miss Spain but I didn't realize how much I missed this part of my life. The relationships I have with people that mean a lot to me. Reconnecting is a weird concept nowadays. We think we can reconnect via texting, calling, facebook or even skype. None of those really cut it, do they? We find ourselves a bit more empty from the person then we did before we talked using those forms of communications. I noticed that your personal face to face encounters with people tell you the truth. How close you really are. A relationship isn't build through the web or cell phone connections. Its the mundane talks. The moments where nothing is said for hours but you are still together. Its getting out of your busy and distracted mind and really focusing on the person's words. The moments where you notice they pay attention to not just your words but your minor actions. 
I do think that the web and cell phone interactions are useful and good but they are abused and misused. So many of my friendships are kept up through facebook or texting. I hate it. I can't tell if they are truly happy or sad. How I'm I suppose to be a better friend to you when the only way we communicate is through facebook or texting? How I'm suppose to bond with you. I guess this comes down to the fact that I am 100% more into having quality time then anything else. Although, for my friends that live in different countries, technology has made it possible for me to communicate with them on a daily basis if I wanted to. That's a perk but I'm still more of a quality person.
After being away from home for three years I have noticed what relationships have really matured and what ones are still hanging on. I'm talking about the friendships that I have in California. I can see the tears in the thread the held our relationship together. The people that are good communicators have been there...but the ones that aren't. The ones that say they are busy and that's why they haven't called much. Who say we are still best friends but actions really don't reflect that.
I think in a way things like facebook have decreased communication. It's just easier to ignore or to give the person enough reasons to not make a bigger effort.
On my birthday so many people wrote on my facebook wall. Though the ones who sent me a warm text or a phone call meant way more. My 21st birthday...

Better Than the Deal I Showed You That One Day

Your face was covered with mud from the thud
from the rock made when I threw it to your feet.
I thought with a single throw I had created a defeat.
Though you threw it back and hit my ear
and with one wince I shed a screaming tear.

My brother you arched your back
feeling you owed some sort of attack
to follow on track the way you used to react
then you became consumed with anger
Fumed from your nostrils bloomed a radical tune.
I knew my disagreed heart made you contract

I never used to worship you like I did with the others
didn’t bother because I knew who you were
You were my best friend, we were even.
I believed you and you believed in me.
you never said no, or treated me too low.

With anger fuming from your heart
and my heart being as sour as the tart
you ate the night before.
We opened the gate to a fight
of words that soared the air.
my fist swung like the eagles wings.
breaking of rings sounded off like ting ting.
Salty and hot tears form from our eyes
as we said our goodbyes to childhood.
could we have lost each other?
Are you back to being just my brother?

I came home from the Christ centered college.
came to the destruction of Rome being teared
down to the foundation which held nothing.

The empire I created ceased to live.
It smelled of lies and excelled in being opaque.
I rebelled and withheld any closeness you expressed
it was fake, the thief was taking my love
with none in return but only to burn it in front of my face.

We clashed and bashed our relationship against the rocks.
Erasing all the time kept clocks and forming the blocks
around my heart and mind. So that no one could find
you. no one began searching for you until I did.
I bid for your reputation till it dissolved me down.

demons counting high and the lullabies ceasing...
My faith in you was decreasing and feasting
on my anger like the larva eats away the deceased finger.

With my eyes closed, you rose to see better days
though I hope you don’t fail or bail on the new life
to come. instead eat this meal that came your way.
better than the deal I showed you that one day.

Some liberation

Something happened to me when I came to Grand Rapids, Mi. When I came back to Calvin and the world it produces. I may call it some form of shock I suppose but I don't know if I can say that. I guess I can say that the person I knew I was in Calvin isn't quite there anymore. I feel different from her and the choices she would regularly make. Or why I would make those choices. My reasoning for some things have changed, my views, and who I want to talk to has also changed. 

I see this college campus as a good friend I left behind and I'm coming back to. Constantly coming back and forth from California to Michigan and now Spain...as altered some of my relationships with people. I'm closer to some and I'm distant from others. Some have pushed me to the outer sides of their lives. I care but I come to an understanding. I knew living somewhere else than the States would change my relationships. 

I was with a friend this evening and we were talking about Spain. I couldn't describe things to him well to a point where it made sense. I couldn't connect two totally different worlds. I just didn't have the words to do myself justice and it made me frustrated. I was frustrated that I even tried. When I went into depth about Spain for the first time it was like describing colors to a color blind person. Can you see my frustration? 

My everyday life in Spain has turned into a color that no one in my American inner circle can see. Being in my classes for a little over a week I find myself at times struggling. Not at all with the material or anything like that. I struggle with the fact that so many people perceive to be the same. The same Christian Reformed Calvin College thoughts, dreams, aspirations, and desires. 

I'm still waiting for that one person to just wow me. To surprise me with the things they say and do. To catch my mouth forming the word awe. 

I'm waiting for the point to wow someone else...

This is the world I live in. I find school great but sometimes so confining. I want to meet the people not the theories. I want hands on action instead of it being on a TV screen. I'm content with my thinking though. I like looking forward and being places. I like meeting those interesting people that up front won't share their darkest secrets. Although, the first conversations exchanged with them...you might hear them somewhere down the road. They might tell you about how their Dad died or how they got into the car accident...or how they want to changed the world now. 

I'm feeling stuck a bit after spain...like the life I lived in the States isn't cutting it anymore. Well the life I had in the States. It's time for a change. Some liberation.