And Now You Know Why

For this week that I have been home, I have been trying to be aware of my moods n' such. All I can say is that coming back to the States I have culture shock. Mostly from the people. Americans...northern americans...I'm not sure I'm fond of them or ever will be. Though understanding everything is pretty amazing. I think it makes me a bit anxious. I'm either tired or just consumed by what is all around me.

The other day my family and I went to Costco. After shopping and buying we had a snack and sat. I wanted to leave, everything was just overwhelming. From the people to how big and open the store was. I was being confronted by space and all I wanted was something small. My house is huge compared to the apartment I was living in. Living in with three other people.

I'm I trying to adjust? Yes I am. People move on a different step here though and it makes it hard. Everything has to be done right now or never. I just want it to slow down. 

I got my hair cut differently then what I had when I arrived in the states. Not only do I get comments but I get my feelings crushed. The playful and nonstopping comments are beginning to bug. At those times  I wish the language would switch to Spanish so that I could only understand half of it. Maybe then it wouldn't bother me too much. 

Sometimes I wonder about who gets me...my family rarely does. Although Britton might be the only one who really does. The first words out of his mouth when I saw him was, "I like your haircut!" Though as I filter through my friends I can only think of one person that gets me from my clothes to my choices in life. And that person is Annette. I blabbed about Spain to her with no fear she would get annoyed. I think at times we are twins in our thinking and dressing. And I don't care one bit. 

At almost being 21 I still am trying to figure out who I am. Spain was taking care of that until I came home. I'm not sure how to be warm and fuzzy anymore. Or how to have in depth conversations with people here. I have detached my emotions from my decision making maybe too much. reason over emotions, right? I'm not sure what happened but every time I hear bad news, it goes through me like a plane goes through a cloud in the sky. It may be that I'm overwhelmed by everything.

At almost being 21 I still have to strings attached to me. There is nothing keeping down to a certain place. I can settle anywhere at the moment. I can go anywhere I choose to. I can cut my hair any way I want and not be afraid. Shall I just shave it?? Shall I just do it and see how I am treated then? I'm thinking of doing it. My mom had to do more than once. Shall I call up Shapiro and let her know to come on over? At this point in the game I can only attract the ones who see the real me and not some outer image. The rings, watches, clothes, boots, or make-up I wear only matters when I let it matter. 

Spain is high in image. California is high in image depending on what street you turn on or home you enter. So shall I tear away from this high self image? I'm tired of what looks good for age or what is more feminine. I'm sick of this way of life...what's cute and what's not. One of my friends on my Spain group told me I am their inspiration in style. To not be afraid to wear what you want. I was so encouraged and happy. Though when I step into my house in California...I change more often then I did because I don't feel like being judged or told that, "wow, you look like a hipster or don't you have something cuter than that?" I honestly think that I don't wear dresses enough because I get tired of people paying attention to it. "Oh Wow, you look so good...YOU ARE WEARING A DRESS?!?!.....you look so cute NOW." Honestly, stop. Just because I am a girl doesn't mean I need to wear dresses. I have to have the long hair. I need it to be symmetrical. I have to have pink. I need to be wearing make-up. I have to have my nails done. I need to have all the polish off my fingers. I need to take a shower every single day. I need to smell nice. I have to say polite things. I can't wear certain boots. I need to be civil all the time. I have to cry at certain movies. I need to be dating now so I can marry soon. I have to wear the dress that you pick. I need to be on a diet. I can't eat more then ___ chocolates. I can't wear sweats outside. I have to have a plan for my life. I need to not talk about how ethnic jokes bother me or homosexual comments bother me. I have to ask and respond in the right way to "your" standard even when I have no clue how. 

The clashing of my heart and the comments that are directed my way. I get quite because of these comments and situations. And now you know why.