sorrow, oh boy joy

I have been taught a lot in the past month. I was going through this funk so to speak and just pushing it to the side. God dug it out and really showed me a thing or two.

I am flawed. I am broken and sometimes severely confused. I am made in God's image. I am a part of creation and therefore I am good but sin has corrupted me. Only through the Holy Spirit and my faith can I reach what humanity intended to be.

I will mess up. I will make mistakes. I will learn. I am learning. I have grown so much. I am a completely different person than I was before I left for college. College has changed me into this kinda person that I do not even know. I love it. I am enjoying it. There are times when I want to cry and dwell in my sorrow but in the end of it I come out alive. I don't call the first person I can think of, instead I call upon the Lord of Lords.

When I give, when I cannot give anymore, I help. I show faith and hope. God uses me as catalyst for those who can't see the light.

I used to think that I should stop complaining...that if I stopped complaining, it would stop a lot of my problems. That wasn't even the root of my problems. The roots of my problems dug in deeper than I thought.

When I think I am alone, God shows through.

This is the fight

Some days I feel like escaping everything. Putting myself in solitude from everyone else. My thoughts almost feel penetrated and I cannot escape it. Every word I speak gets twisted around into something far from the truth. No one understands me and it is as if I am made into this bad guy. I suffocate. My breath is shortened and I cannot feel my pulse. My rhythm is lost and I start going down this speeding spiral.

When I gain back my pulse, it is when I pray to God.

Today I feel like that but in a more intense way. Nothing seems real. I feel like I am in this dream like world and the only good thing it is producing is my head ache....telling me that I am still alive. It is the day where I keep fighting for air but I'm not getting it. I'm not sure at all if other people ever get this. Most likely not. Most likely I am the only average person that feels this. My throat is actually getting suffocated.

rest...

rest...

I need rest.

And I find rest in the Lord. I know what I should do. I know the right ways. It's just actually doing it and giving it up to God. Letting go of it all. Letting my mind stop thinking and producing thoughts that are trapping me. I'm not perfect but I am not useless either. This is the fight.