Connections Should Never Be Abused

I am not sure how life moves in such a motion. Or why some have choices and others don't. There has been thoughts that have been pounding my brain for weeks and weeks. Connection doesn't always fall in your lap. It isn't something to be learned or something that you can just obtain. Connection just happens. However, some people don't always accept it or they abuse it.

For the past few months I have felt used or absorbed by people, a connection gone wrong. A connection manipulated. I tend to be this fill in person. This person that gives you all this attention and emotions. When that connection is evident I have a hard time seeing the other stuff. I get distracted in that fairytale scenario. I do stupid things to keep the connection lasting.

I have felt like a fill in girlfriend/boyfriend for a bit now. If you have ever been queer you know being someone's, who is same sexed, desired choice partner is never fun. It involves a lot of work. It involves a lot of patience. It involves a lot of you. Being a fill in girlfriend is the same thing which is pretty ironic. Connections should never be abused. I'm just sad it took me so long to understand this. Connections are meant to be fulfilling and spirited.

I've never felt so good about myself and who I am. I'm going through a pretty strange stage in my life right now. It has taken me awhile to fully grow up and deal. I have worked on myself to no end and have tried to become the best me as much as possible. I'm tired of the open ended relationships and the friendships that are occasionally there. I'm tired of the lies and deceit. I'm exhausted by people's bullshit.

Over the past few months I have obtained a friendship I thought would never happen. There was a lot of hurt feelings and bad moves when we first met. I see her almost every day now. I've never had someone be so confrontational and real before. She has taught me a lot about my self-worth and has developed my existing qualities into foundational pieces of myself. It's interesting how a toxic connection can transition into a beautiful connection. No lies, no deceit, no harm, no disrespect...

I've had a wild ride with life and there is no wonder that trauma was apart of that. I haven't been the best human in life. It has taken me years to get inside my head that things had to change. It's slow but it's there. Things haven't worked out with people for a reason. Sometimes it was my own fault, sometimes it was their's, and sometimes it was just plain mutual.

I hope that someday I meet that person and it's a no brainer that we are meant to be on both ends. The organic-ness of everything just moves like nature. However, for now I'm not going to be a fill in. It's pathetic. It's just gross and unfathomable for myself. I am better than that. I am not going to be dragged into a whirlwind of satisfying someone else and with no reciprocation. I can certainly be content on my own and intend to be until that one enters in or if they have already.

When you find yourself...don't lose yourself. Hold on to you and what makes you you. Filter out that bad. Make real connections with people and work on it with them. Don't let that fade away. I can't let connections go sometimes...but now when they turn sour I have to. I'm just tired of being lied to.

I wonder at times what if I am suppose to be just me...and then I think really hope not. I thrive on connections way too much for it to not be a thing. Solo Dolo. I'll always be there for those connections that aren't going anywhere but filling in just can't be done anymore.